My Baby Sister

I have learn what having a real sister in my life is like with Margo. We are not flesh and blood sisters but she is closer to me then any flesh in blood in my life. I love her unconditionally the way sisters should love each other. I don't judge her for her life but accept her and the scars she got in life. We share each others laughter,tears,joy and disappointments. She never has to ask me for anything because I am apart of her life and I know what she needs. There is nothing I would not do for her to make her smile and to see her happy. We live next door to each other and I can get to her or she can get to me whatever the need is we have for one another. I wish my birth sister could just take a page out of our book to understand what a sister is before she closes her eyes. Everytime I try to reach out to her she becomes the judge and jury in my life that she knows nothing about because she has not communication with me. I don't have to beg or plead for her to be apart of my life because I have Margo and we have each other.

My biggest fear in starting something new

I don"t know how many times in my life that I have back to the same place in life. There is a play called "The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang by Deron Cloud that explains where I am in life right now. I have falling in love so many times and thought it was real just to realize that it wasn"t real. I have experienced real love and been hurt bad but instead of taking the time to get over the hurt and pain , I did what most women do , get with someone else. I have heard the best way to get over one man is to get under another man but that is not true at all. I hate when the good men come in your life after being hurt because they only fight a losing battle. I can not speak for other women but I know I have lost and hurt some good men that came into my life at the wrong time. I have always ran from love in my life to avoid getting hurt but when I stop running and let down my wall and return the love I am given it seems that everytime I end up getting hurt. I don"t want that pain anymore because it hurts too much. It is harder for me because I feel that I can not show my pain because it will make me appear to be weak. You can not be weak raising a teenage son or daughters going into adulthood. You can not be weak when you run your own company and have people that depend on you to come thru for them. You can not be weak when you don"t have anyone in your life to support you mentally and emotionally. I really want to be able to show someone the real me but I can"t now because I have tried that and I got hurt over and over again. I just want the pain to go away, I don"t want to cry anymore. I wanna love again but I don"t know how anymore. I don"t want just a sexual relationship, I don"t want to be someone"s friend with benefits. I don't want a man in my life that can I have to hide and not discuss and make sure that I don"t post our picture or his picture. I don"t want someone"s husband or boyfriend. I want a man that will not try to change me but just allow me to be me. The person that I can not show at this point that has to hide behind my wall.

I had a conversation today with some men friends in my life today and they make finding someone new a easy task but it isn"t. They make fallin out of love sound like quitting a job you hate but it isn"t. I have had two relationships that I had to end in my life that left me really scar bad and when I started my last relationship I felt if I told him what I had been through that for sure he would avoid taking me down the same road. The truth is that he did avoid all of those roads and created a new road of disappointment and hurt of his own. He got past the wall that I had up and made me trust again and fall hard and reveal the me that I had not shown others just to find out that he used all my insecurities to his advantage. We have been apart since the summer but we talk on a daily basis and after it hurts more that I know that we have what it takes to make it work and last but I believe the damage just might be unrepairable. I was told that my mouth was saying that I was ready to move on but my heart and actions tell another story. I am so afraid that I feel the fear is taking over my life and causing me to close the door on some men that have tried to come into my life that only want the best for me. One of my ex's told me that if I stop running that I will see what has been in my life the whole time that I keep turning my back on over and over again. I am confused, hurt, lonely and just afraid of getting hurt again. Maybe it will take someone strong, persistant, loving and patient to move me from this place in life. But when he comes into my life this is my biggest fear. The Jazmine Sullivan song!

Hate feeling this Way

I don't even know where to start because I really believe it is true that my career is always good but my personal life is always a mess. I look around me and I get angry because I feel for the last 20 years of my life that I have lived in a sink or swim situation. I look around me and I see other women have men in their life that are there for them and will do anything for them. My ex-husband did love me and if I would have not walked out the door we would be celebrating our 18 wedding anniversary next month. I don't regret leaving because I lost myself in that relationship. It became more about staying to prove everyone wrong and to show his family that he could be successful. I became so unhappy that I let myself go and I got up to 280 pounds. I left and I made some bad decisions in my next relationship but he gave me things in that relationship that I wanted in my 15 years of marriage. I ended that relationship also because it was toxic for me also and it took me two years before I was ready to really give my heart whole-heartly to someone else. This time I gave more of myself then ever and I truly believe that love could fix everytime no matter what it was. I know now that it can"t and that hurts more. I am 1700 miles away from someone I love so much but because of his situation in his life love will not fix it. People look at me and don't understand why I can not just go on with life with someone new. I can not be with someone else when I know I am still in love with my ex. I feel that it would not be fair to play the role with someone new. I think about the Jaz Sullivain song and I don't want that to be me. I don't want the situation that my body is here with but my mind is on the other side of town or in my case another state. I am tried of crying, I am tired of being lonely. I just want to be loved by someone that I am in love with and not have someone loving me that I am not in love with again in my life. This is why I push men away that are probably very good for me because I can't give them my all. I just can not give a man my body when my heart is just not in it. I just want to be able to move on in life and be happy.

I have not been homesick in a long time. I actually miss my mom and want to go home to see her. I have not seen her since February. I thought I would be able to go for Thanksgiving but it is not going to happen. I was sitting in Church on Sunday and the organist starting playing and I closed my eyes and I was back at home as a little girl sitting in church listening to Eddie Bilberry and Rev. Billups singing. A few minutes later the choir song the song that I lead many Sunday's in my life. Singing was something that I miss in my life but it is also the reason I do what i do today. I wish I had someone in my life then that I have been able to become to so many now.

Changes in my life

Next month I will be 42 years old. I can say that I have grown a lot this year mentally and emotionally. I have questioned love on more than one occasion. The funny thing is that real love is hard to shake and walk away from sometimes. I had a year to myself even though I was in a relationship. I realized what I need and want from someone in my life. I realized that I can not accept less because if I do I will keep getting less.

People ask the question , how can you be lonely when you talk to people around the world on a daily basis and you have your kids and everyone Else's kids with you. This is the hard and difficult part of life for me. I have men in my life that do love me unconditionally from my past that for one reason or another our relationship ended but we remain friends but this is not good enough for me. This may sound bad for women who have never experience love from someone else before but I want more in my life. I can not and will not commit to anyone else if everything in me does not tell me it is right. I did that and it did not work out for me. I guess when I feel it is right and all the pieces fall into place then I will open up and take the next step. I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man in life but I do believe in soul mates. I want to be loved but I want to be able to give him love back the way he loves me. I want him to put me and my happiness first. I want him to be honest, trustworthy and loyal to me. I do not want another liar or cheater in my life. I don't want another man in my life that I have to take care of or puts me in the position to run our household because he does not know how to be a real man. I want to be able to trust the fact that will be a leader and I can trust his judgement about things in our life. I want to know that he will love my kids like his own. I want know if I get sick he will stay by my side and not be afraid or run away. I want a companion, a friend, lover, and a soul mate to spend the rest of my life with because tomorrow is not promise. I feel that God has been working in my life to prepare me for the man he will send me.

I still believe in fairy tales and that is a Prince Charming for every woman. I know everyone only knows the business woman side of me but there is a soft side of me that plays the role of Mom for my kids and that can be the loving wife or girlfriend for the right man. I have given my all in my last three relationships and they all ended on a bad note. My marriage of 15 years , he will not hold a conversation with me and one of the others cross the line so bad I never want to talk or see him again. The last one has been hard because of the lies and betrayal but I have not given up on love.

Adorable P