Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who Gets to Decide


I have been doing alot of soul searching lately. It is sad that I had to see myself on the Young and the Restless before I realized that I was the person on TV. The picture to the left is a picture of me the day I admitted I was in love. I was on webcam playing with my boyfriend. That was one of the scariest day of my life because I promise myself that I did not want to go there for a long time because I did not want to get hurt again.

I have a lot of questions like who gets to decide who we love? Why do we hurt ourselves by trying to hide who we love to please other people? Love is not easy and in love there will be ups and downs. Everything will not be a perfect picture. You will cry, you will be hurt, you will disagree and you may even break up. But I have found out that when your foundation is love and it is real that you can work things out. Sometimes we make the mistake of talking to our friends for advice about our relationships but we don't look at there relationships. I have also realized that my friends can not heal my heart. I have to do what is best for me and I have to think myself and what makes me happy. If they are my real friends and they truly love me they will support my decision.

I have cried myself to sleep too many nights. I have picked up the phone too many times just to hang it up . I have tried to replace you with others and it did not work. I have tried to move on with my life without you. The hardest time for me was when we had no contact at all. I have to do what is right for me and I have to follow my heart. It is hard to move on to another relationship when someone else has the key to your heart. I have decided that no matter what I go thru this is my decision and I feel I owe it to myself to find out if this love has what it takes.




Monday, December 13, 2010

Another Holiday

I have always loved the holidays especially Christmas but the last five have been really hard for me. It is something about being alone for Christmas. I got married on Christmas Eve because it was a time that all my family could be together. Every year from 1991 to 2004, I had someone in my life to wake up with and enjoy Christmas Day. In 2005, right before the Thanksgiving holiday my life fell apart and the holidays have not been the same for me. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the whole package again.

This is the first year that both of my parents will not be with me. I will not see my sisters or brothers. The person that I spent the last two years with is not in my life either this year. The man that has been in my life since 2007 that has not been with me on any X-mas morning will not be with me again this year. I wish that it was really a person that could make all your dreams come true just by asking for a wish. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the man that loves me more than life and his only desire is to make me happy. I want to him to be in the kitchen with me on X-mas eve helping cook X-mas Dinner. I want him to be by my side shopping for a X-mas tree and building a tradition of decorating the tree with me. I want Christmas to be something exciting for me to look forward to and not run away from because of the pain. I don't like the feeling of wanting to skip the holidays and just get to January 2nd. This has been the hardest 5 years of my life on Christmas. When I was married , Nick always made our anniversary and Christmas special for me until our last one together. Our last one together is when I made the decision to leave my marriage.

Dear God, I pray to you because you are the only one that knows everything. I have always been told that I have to ask God for what I want. This year I am asking him to change my holidays for me. I am asking God to bring the man into my life that he as for me. I am asking God for the man who will love,honor and cherish me to death due us part. The man that will put me and my happiness first after God in his life. I am asking God for the man that I can share my life with, my ups and my downs, my good and my bad, my heartache , tears and also my happiness. Someone to share my success and my failures. Someone that will take the time to understand me and love me for me and not who he wants me to be. God please do not let me experience another holiday like this one. I don't like being alone without someone to share my love with another holiday.

I cry when my kids are not around because I don't want them to see me hurting on the inside. I show a smile to world when I really just want to scream to the top of my lungs. When I was in California at least I had the ocean to calm me when I felt like this. I would sit on the beach and I had my close friend to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But here I don't have that and I have to hide what I really feel inside. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My kids are my blessings and I hold on to them very tight because they are all I have and I do whatever I have to do for them but what is going to happen when they are both living there own lives?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Soft Side of Me


I was on my way home listening to my favorite station Heart & Soul when they begin to play songs that hit me so hard. Each song was a song that made me think about men in my past and I begin to cry. I had flash backs of the good times that I had experience with them and why I had fallen in love with them. I realized that people around me were the cause of me shouting down my memories. I thought about the most important thing they taught me and that was that love was not about material possessions or how much money they made in their careers. After 15 years of marriage to a man that I knew love me but did not know how to reach me for me to be the woman I knew I could be. Don't get me wrong, getting married saved my life and allowed me to raise my kids with a mother and father under one roof something that alot of kids never experience. They never experienced seeing us fight but always believed that we were one big happy family. The problem was that I was losing myself and I was not happy with my relationship. I loved my husband but I was not in love with my husband. The next three men in my life after my marriage actually taught me who I was and allowed me to grow personally,emotionally and mentally. I learned how to open up and allow someone to really get to know me. They took the time to learn me in ways my husband never did in my marriage. They could look at my facial expressions and know what I was thinking. When I didn't want to talk they learn how to make me talk about what I was feeling inside. I learned to love each one of them for them and not for what they could buy me, where they could take me or what they could do for me. All they had was love to give me and I feel I taught each one what real love was all about. I hate the fact that each one had a secret life that killed our relationship and some of the secrets were worst than others. Each relationship hurt a little more than the other when it ended and because of some of the circumstances I had to completely cut one of them out of my life. The other two are still friends of mine because honestly just like the secrets in their lives that came between us they also understand me because of the true things they know and understand about things in my past. I still think about the silly moments, the deep talks, the quiet time, the walks by the ocean, the nights that we cuddled on the couch, the time we spent with the kids, the great sex that we shared. I have learned alot about life but it also hurts that family and friends make it to a point that men in your past have to become unspoken of because they will criticize you and look at you crazy for saying that you miss them or the things you did together. I will admit I cry because I feel I have to hold so many things inside and I can not talk to anyone about them. I hate that I feel I will never love anyone else in my lifetime like I experienced in those three relationships. I learned what real heartbreak was like , when you feel your heart rip into two pieces and all you can do is cry alone and the only person that can help you heal is the person that hurt you. No one will ever understand. I will never be able to open my heart and life to anyone else the way I did with them. I have tried to find someone that was the three of them in one person and I just do not believe that man exist. The sad part to me is that out of the three only one of them my family would accept back into my life with cutting me off. One cross the line of no return and I could never take him back into my life but I can hold on the the memories of the good times. The last one is the one I cry the most over and just try to understand and accept the present life we have today.

Changes in My Life


It's been a minute since I blogged but alot has happened since the last time. I have lost some people I felt were important in my life but I believe the saying that some people come into your life for a reason and some for a season. I have started a healthy beverage company and I am excited about it because I can help other people. I have also started managing my lil cousin with his music career. I have included some people from my past back into my life for different reasons. My boyfriend did come visit me for two weeks and I realize that I was right that it was not something that would work and it was a mistake to try it. A lot of things have happen since he went back home and I am trying to make major decisions in my life. I have always loved my kids but I think I love them more everyday. I am so proud of them and I continue to just try to teach them to be better people. My everyday thought now is "If I change my thoughts I can change my life". My Mom has been gone since 5 months now and everyday something happens that I want to pick up the phone and tell her and I can't. I know that my brothers and sisters not being in my life was not a option so I decided to fix my relationships. I am happy that I have all of them in my life now. I have a full life now with the people in my life. Sometimes I believe things that appear too good to be true sometimes are too good to be true. I have started my relationship articles back in DBICMag.com and I am bringing back B Serious my relationship talkshow. I am also getting more involved with the parents from T.J's school. Failure is not a option for me

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The End



Yesterday was officially the end of a long chapter in my life that started October 2007. It was a part of my life that I will never forget. I learned a lot of life lessons, and a lot about myself. He help me thru a lot of major issues in my life. The crazy thing is that he was stronger for me then he was for myself. I don't hate him and I wish him the best in the future. We tried the breaking up and staying friends but that is hard when you don't have a understanding of real friendship.
After a long conversation yesterday with my close friends , I was able to finally let go and walk away forever. Both have been saying the same things to me but one was just harder than the other. The funny thing is we have been here before and there was always this 72 hour thing with us. One of us always gave in and contacted the other within 72 hours. This time I am ready and I feel it within myself. Today I feel like I did the day after I walked out of Nick's apartment after being married after 14 years, November 5th when I ask Jamel to leave after living together for 1 year and a half, this has been two years and nine months of my life. I did not look back on either of the other long term relationships in my life and I will not look back this time. I am not bitter or angry but just relieved. This time it is mutual and no talk of get back or revenge. I can only control my life and that is with the help of God. I believe that God is preparing me for my husband not someone else's husband or boyfriend. God is preparing my husband for me and when it is the right time in my life God will present him to me and he will be everything I need. Me and my ex did create something that means a lot to me , my company. That is our baby and I will treat it just like my other two kids that I birth. I have been here before and each time it took me a little longer to let go but in the end I did. I experience a lot of first with my last ex that I will not forget! lol..I experience things that I never thought I could feel but in a good way. No more tears but if you see me and I have a smile on my face I probably had a flash back that caused it. He is someone I will always love and remember.
Monica Still Standing
Spoken
Mama always told me
Baby you gotta walk by faith
And not by sight
Real talk
You gotta listen
Oh, oh, oh, ohohoh
Ooh, yeah
Verse 1
Oh, listen to me now
I'm gonna say it loud
So you won't be confused
'Bout what we talkin' 'bout
I been through the storm
Had dirt on my name
I'm still holding on
Champion of the game (they said)
Whatever don't kill you make you stronger
Well, I must be the world's strongest woman
See I done done a whole lotta growin'
Everything you say
I'm already knowin'
Cause I...
Chorus
I been up against ropes
Everything you're going through
I been there before
Seen them all come
And I seen them all go
You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor
Never
And I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing
I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing
Verse 2
I had a lover take his own in front of me
I asked God why is this happening to me
But I didn't fold,
I held my own
And now I'm deep in love with who I belong(This is my life)
They say with age comes wisdom
And the white flag, I can't give 'em
Tryin' to tell you how it's s'posed to be
See, this is more than just a song to me
Cause I...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

How Do I Heal?



I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. I have some deep conversations with two of my closest friends on a daily basis. It feels good that I can actually talk to them about things going on in my life. I can speak truthfully about how I feel about things in my life now and in my past. It is funny to me when the people in my life that have done things to me that have affected my life in a major way feel that I should not talk about it to other people. They feel their actions should just disappear because it is in the past and they don't want others to know what they did to me. This helps them I guess but it does not help me to heal on the inside. In order for me to heal and move on with my life I have to be able to talk about it and deal with it. I guess they feel I should invest in professional counseling because they have taken a oath not to repeat anything that is said in a session. For people to understand me , they have to understand what I have been thru in my life. My life is far from a fairytale and without God being apart of my life I probably would be died now.

I have to deal with being molested, abused, rape, cheating, betrayal, being used and all by people who were suppose to love me. This is the hardest thing to deal with now. I feel my definition of love and their definition of love most be so different. It is funny one of the people in my life that did alot of damage to my life use to say to me all the time "You could never hurt someone you love". I questioned her love from my birth to her death. When I love someone I give my all to them and I give them all my trust but the people that have told me they love me seem to be able to lie and hurt me without a problem. So why do I have a problem with people that say they love me? It is crazy to me that the people that have damage my life are going on with their lives and what they did to me is not affecting them at all. Sometimes I wonder "Do they even feel bad or have any emotions concerning what they did? I feel they are more concerned about me not telling anyone what they did so people will not have a bad opinion of them. I really do not care what people feel about them and what they did to me. I am more concern with my healing and the people in my life understanding why I do the things I do. Why I make the decisions I make to do the things I do. Why I have a brick wall up and select who I let over my wall. If I never tell anyone about the things that happen to me and they only have what they were told or what they saw then they will not have the true picture of who I am. You have to read my whole book to know me. You can look at the nice cover and skip chapters of my book and read the last chapter and know who I am. Maybe they need to deal with the things they have done in their lives and stop trying to hide it from the ppl in their lives because I am working on me. I know for me to work on me and for me to heal on the inside I have to talk about the things that happen in my past so I can go on with my life and have a healthy future without the pain of my past.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Fight with Weight Gain



My fight with my weight gain is back on and this time I want to fight back the right way. Normally when the doctors increase my insulin to control my blood sugars and I see myself gaining weight, I decrease my insulin. I don't like when I wake up in the morning and I can not fit the clothes I could wear just last week. I don't like when I take a picture like this and I see the weight gain in my face. I want to find a gym to join so I can start working out again. I find that Houston is not good for me and my weight because I am very inactive here. Everytime I have lived in California I have managed my weight because I stay active because the weather is good and I don't like staying in the house. I was able to do it in New Jersey/New York because I walked everywhere and there was always something to do. The weather in up north was bad in the weather but the spring and summer was nice. In Houston , all you want to do is stay in the air condition somewhere because it is too hot to be outside. I hate the rain and it rains alot here. I have to come to a happy medium since I am here for at least two more years. I will start looking for a gym this weekend. I am looking at 24 hour fitness and LA fitness. I tried Bally's and everytime I have tried to schedule before time they always screw me up. I just to go to the YMCA downtown when I lived here before but I don't work downtown anymore. I want something that I have to pass by everyday going home and that is not too far when I am home and want to go. I want to get back to 140 or 150 because now I feel I am over 200 and I don't like the feeling. I have to break this thing I have of not wanting to do things alone because I have been waiting on other ppl to have free time or want to do things but everyone has there own life. I will pray on this because this is something I have to do for myself.

I talked to my sister the other day but I have not talk to my brother at home. He is never there when I call but my sister said he is doing okay. I need to call my big brother to check on him today. Well it is time for me to get to work and make some money.

Don't like the fat feeling...I have to change this quickly without going against the doctor. I wish I could quality for the lapband procedure. I am going to go to a seminar to see what they can do with my insurance.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Being a Diabetic is not fun!


I have been a diabetic now for 10 years. I am a diabetic because I went on a liquid diet to lose weight and lost it too fast. They were doing a ERCP to make sure they could remove my gallbladder because I had gallstones. A gallstone rip thru my pancreas and they had to remove 95% of my pancreas. I have been on insulin every since. The highs and lows are hard but for me the weight gain is my nightmare.
I have taken myself off of insulin to lose weight and decrease the amount of insulin I am suppose to take to avoid weight gain. People do not understand and doctors really do not understand how it feels. Your blood sugar runs high so they increase the insulin you take but when they do that it increases your weight. You gain weight and now you can not fit into your clothes and you have to spend more money on clothes. You become depressed because of the weight gain and this affects you emotionally and mentally, then they want to put you on prozac. When you have battled with your weight your whole life and being big is not something you are comfortable with then all of these things are not easy.
It is even harder when you are single and a consultant that does not get sick days. I have to come to work no matter how high or how low my blood sugar is because the bills still have to be paid. Insurance is another issue because if you ever lose coverage than you have to go without treatment just so that when you can get insurance it will not be look at as a pre-existing condition. If your blood sugar gets too high your can have a stroke and if it gets too low than you can go into a sugar coma. I take 6 shots a day and I have to test my blood sugar about 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to put me on a insulin pump but that is another issue with me. It is a personal reason but maybe after I am married and my husband understands will I go there.
My fear everyday is not being here to see my kids become parents and get married and have careers because of my diabetes. I am putting everything in order financially for my kids so just in case I do not make it they will not struggle. I also fear not finding real love to enjoy the rest of my life. I often think who will cry with me and be there with me in my final days to enjoy the time I have left.
It is a scary thought but it is the reality of a diabetic.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

It's the Sagittarius in Me!

Some people do not believe in Zodiac Signs but when I read my profile, I do believe. I wake up some mornings and I want to look other at someone special and other mornings I don"t want to be bother. I don't want anyone having any input in my life. I don't want anyone having an opinion about anything that I do. I don't want anyone to feel that can tell me where and when I can go anywhere. I don't want to argue or fuss with anyone about anything. I don't want to be stressed over anyone else's financial issues or problems. I like my freedom and I like being me.

This is me! All Day..It is so true.


Generous, clever, sincere and sometimes visionary, Sagittarians make big plans, take risks and travel to foreign places whenever they can.

Gregarious, upbeat and confident, Sagittarians usually have many friends, but their impulsiveness can throw more security-loving types off kilter. Most Sagittarians are brave and generous, and they usually have a desire to help humanity in some way.

Cheerful and Positive

Sagittarians are extroverted, cheerful and optimistic. They believe that things will turn out well, and they trust much to luck. Not much gets them down and they usually rebound quickly from depression, illness or stressful life events. Most enjoy robust health and when they do experience medical problems, it is often the result of over-indulging and risk taking.

Risk Takers

Sagittarians are not prone to anxiety or worry unless the ascendant falls in a more anxiety-prone sign, which makes them natural risk takers. They are inclined to do things that are damaging to their health, or even take physical risks that can endanger their lives. Sagittarians leap before looking and land themselves in various scrapes. However, they have a last-minute luck that often saves them in the end, and they’ll turn around and do it all over again.


Addictive and Sensation Seeking

Sagittarians seek the next challenge and the next big adrenaline rush, and in some cases this sensation seeking can lead to drug abuse. Additionally, although they are energetic, physically strong, muscular and naturally athletic, many become fat or even obese through overeating and drinking. Alcoholism is a common Sagittarian ailment, as they don’t know when to stop and don’t listen to the signals their bodies send them.

Generous and Careless with Money

Sagittarians are altruistic and will sacrifice time, energy and money to help others. They’re generous to a fault and will give their last dollar to someone in need or spend it all on drinks for everyone in the room. Many Sagittarians have big, impractical plans for making money, as well as a penchant for gambling. They win more often than most, but when they lose, they lose big
.
Love of Travel

Sagittarians love to travel and often believe that it is a better educator than school. They like to meet people in foreign lands and learn foreign languages. When traveling, they’d rather camp out with the locals than set up in a fancy hotel. Most Sagittarians also like outdoor pursuits such as hiking, camping or kayaking.

Suited to Nontraditional Employment

Sagittarians often have trouble with traditional 9-5 careers. They will not follow the rules if they don’t believe that the rules are right and just. They have the courage to speak up for their convictions and fight for what they believe in, which can lead to clashes with authority. They are also very physical and have trouble with staying put in an office chair for hours on end. Sagittarians have a constant need for movement and novelty, and these requirements should be taken into account when planning a career.

Opinionated and Open-Minded
A Sagittarian quirk is to be open-minded on most subjects but fiercely opinionated on a few pet topics. Some Sagittarians can be tyrannical and bullying, insisting that others conform to their beliefs. This sign is known to have a self-righteous streak. However, most are open-minded and easy going, not worrying much about the things other people say.

Exaggerated Need for Freedom
Sagittarians value freedom far above security. As a result, unless the ascendant falls in the sign of Cancer or one of the fixed signs, many don’t settle down in a relationship too easily. They find the majority of partners too clingy or restrictive, and even those who do settle down will look to the horizon with longing from time to time. This is not a domestic sign. When they do stay put, Sagittarians tend to be messy around the house and most are not particularly good cooks.(Not true for me)

Tactless and Insensitive
Although Sagittarians are good at creating fun times and cheering people up, their bluntness can sometimes have the opposite effect. Sagittarians can be honest to the point of cruelty, and will upset more sensitive individuals with their often accurate but not very diplomatic statements. Most Sagittarians can take the truth about themselves, at least more of the truth than others can, and so they seek to impose truths on others even when sensitivity is called for. This is the source of much strife in Sagittarian relationships. Additionally, some Sagittarians have a tendency to exaggerate and brag, which can put others off.

Friendly and Philosophical
Sagittarians are good judges of character, but they’ll hang around with almost anyone, even someone they think is not a very nice person, if they find that person interesting. Deep, profound and expansive subjects are favoured by Sagittarians. They like philosophizing on important ideas and don’t care for small talk.

Spiritually Minded
Sagittarians usually enhance their minds with a lot of reading. Many feed their mystical sides with books that tackle the big questions in life as they seek their personal connection to a higher power or things beyond human understanding. Once they do settle on a religion or a lifestyle, they can become very preachy, much to the annoyance of those around them.

Extroverted and Transient
Sagittarians are friendly people who need a wide variety of acquaintances to spend time with. They don’t like to sit around the house and usually prefer large, exuberant gatherings to small, cozy nights at home with one other person.

Many Sagittarians move from city to city and job to job, always in search of a new challenge or new social interactions. They have trouble finishing what they start, but they cope well with change, adversity and diversity, and their sunny personalities ensure that they make plenty of friends along the way

Monday, June 28, 2010

When Will I Feel Different?

I wake up every morning with the same person on my mind and I end my day every night with the same person on my mind. I thought by now that I would have moved on with my life and he would be a afterthought for me like the rest of my ex's. I have ask God to give me the strenght to move on and release him from my life if he is not my soulmate. I have ask God to make me lose my desire for him and everyday it is still there. We broke up a year ago and I have not seen him face to face in almost two years. He has been in my life for almost three years now. I have been on dates and the guys were not bad guys. They had good jobs, nice looking and gentlemen but there is something on the inside that is not opening for them and I have not seen any of them anymore. It is funny because I talk to a close friend of mine and he tells me that it does not work because I am looking for my ex in all of them. I don't think I am looking for him in them but I am looking for the feeling I get from him. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see him call and when I hear his voice it sends chills thru my body. When he is near me it is hot and I never want him to leave, and when he is not with me I miss him. He stays on my mind 24/7 and I always want to talk to him. The crazy thing is we have gone thru some serious issues since we met and they are the kind of things that I should not ever want to deal with him again. I can not really talk to anyone close to me because no one wants me to deal with him. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. The preacher was talking last Sunday and he was saying that God was getting me ready for my husband. I believe there could be some truth in that but right now I feel there has been a lock put on my heart and my ex has taken the key with him. I wish someone would break the lock or he would return the key so I can go on with my life. Part of me wishes that we could work it out and he would fix what he broke with us but the other part of me knows that if he remains the same that he is not good for my life and bringing him back in my life could cause me to lose a lot of people I love. It is funny because as I wrote this blog , I got a message from a friend that said " U gotta do what's best for B & hers and 4get about him. U need peace and happiness right now". Believe it or not I want happiness and peace in my life but I don"t know how right now. I am listening to this song by Monica that says you only get one in a lifetime and sometimes I believe he is my soulmate and my one in a lifetime.




Friday, June 25, 2010

Goodbye to my Mom

My Mom passed away on May 24th, 2010. When I left the hospital in March and the doctor gave her two weeks to two months to live, I knew that was the last time I would tell her I loved her or kiss her goodbye. I came home and I did what they tell you to do , get prepared but you can never prepare yourself for your mom dying. My mom like every other person had her faults but she is the woman who gave me life.

There was alot of drama and stress when my mom passed away but in the end it brought her children closer together. Me and my sister Denny have been able to really talk about how we feel. She has realized that she does not have to be superwoman for me and I can actually just be her little sister. Since my mom's death , I have realized that I was not the only one of mom's kids that went thru the verbal and emotional abuse by her.

For the first time since my dad past away I felt a calm safe feeling being in my parents room. I had a chance to confront a lot of things from my past when I went home. My brother Tim after 33 years apolognized for not protecting me when I was molested as a child. My older sister and brother finally found out why I never wanted to deal with my brother Tim growing up. All I have now is my brothers and sister because now Mom and Dad are gone. I never thought that either one of my parents would be alive to see me get remarried and have grandkids. I knew they could not live forever but I did not believe that they would leave me at 42. I remember when I was sick and they told my parents I had 3 weeks to live, Mom pray that God would not take me before he took her life. I lost my grandparents and now both parents. My Dad use to say I hope God takes your mom before me because your mom will leave you guys in a financial mess. Dad was so right but we will work it out. I have learn from my mom's mistakes and I am making sure that my kids will be taking care of when my time comes.

My high school love was with me the weekend before my mom died visiting and when my mom was buried he was by my side. We have remain friends after 27 years and that is something I treasure. I hate that men that I have been in relationships with over the years don"t understand that is one friendship they can never ask me to walk away from ever. He has been apart of every part of my life since I was 14. He has watched me grow up and he has never left my side. I treasure his friendship and he is the one person in the world that I know will never hurt me. I am enjoying his time back in the states before he leaves again to go back overseas.

My kids are okay after losing two grandparents in two days. I was really worried about them because that is hard for an adult to deal with and my baby is only 16. I have them and they have me and I will do everything in my power to be the Mother that when my time comes they will have many good memories and they will want to be with me until the end. Sakyi is grown now and I just want to make sure she has what she needs to start her life and be independent. I want to teach T.J to be the man that God's desires him to be and I feel he is on the right road.

Who says there are no friends in the industry? When my mom passed away I got love from around the world from the industry and that made me feel so good. I have made some solid relationships and friendships in the industry , I thank God for my extended family that he blessed me with in the industry. God also brought my family back into my life and I thank him for that also. It is time for me to continue being the woman that God wants me to be and to work thru my past so I can enjoy my future..

I love you Mom and I will miss you alot, Kiss my dad for me and hug my grandparents.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I thought that I was strong





[Verse One]
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]
Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

[Verse Two]
All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

[Chorus]

It official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My Dream



Last night I had a nightmare not a dream. Most of the people that know me do not know that July,2000 I was given 3 weeks to live. I died twice in 3 months. After I survived my hospital stay of 6 months I decided I wanted to enjoy everything about my life. I wanted to build memories with my kids and I wanted to experience true happiness in my relationship. I wanted to leave something behind for my kids and I wanted to be able to reach out to a lot of people and help them and be there support.

I have accomplished a lot since 2000 towards my goal. I have tried to repair my relationship with my brother and sisters and to be honest I don"t know how I feel about those relationships. I have rebuilt my relationships with my kids. I have Margo in my life and she is the sister that I never had in my life. The one thing that I have not accomplished is that long lasting loving relationship. Before I die I desire to be remarried and have a healthy loving relationship. I feel that I found my soulmate, my bestfriend and the love of my life but things ended with us. Last night I had a dream that I died and the one person that I wanted by my side was not with me and my kids did not call him to tell him. In the dream, I text him a message and I email him to let him know how I felt. I told him what he meant to me and where he still stood in my life. The last thing I told him was that I loved him and I would die loving him and no one could change the way I felt. I never woke up from going to sleep that night.

I woke up determined that I did not want to die that way and I want him in my life everyday. I am a severe diabetic without a pancreas (only 5% and it does not work), my diabetics is out of control. I now have high blood pressure. There is a lot I have not done that I want to do before I die. I want to see my kids be successful in their lives and I want to see all the people that mean alot to me be experience happiness. I feel I am living on borrow time and I know that my condition is causing a lot of problems to my other internal organs. All I know is that I have to make it right and no matter how anyone else feels I want to spent the rest of days I have left with him and him only.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

One Day @ A Time



I am finding out that it does get better everyday. Just like the other times the wound does heal in time. I am focus on my company and the work ahead that is on my plate. I am enjoying being Mom again to my kids. The break I took really help me alot and to close some doors from the past. My kids are my hearts and watching them grow up puts a smile on my face. I really missed the day to day things that happen with them when I moved away. I love to watch them sleep, eat and just enjoy life. At one point I felt my kids did not want to be with me and that hurt alot. Not only do I have my kids, I have Bryan, Jarvis, Lil Jarvis, Swoll, AJ, Kemo and Matt and the others. I have my sister Margo and I am working on my relationships with my birth sisters and brothers. I had to let them know how I feel and my hurt and pain from them. My mom is doing better and I am happy about that to! I am on my 12 step TA program and I am taking it one day at a time!!!!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Rehab reality not a joke!



We use to laugh that when we ended I would end up in Rehab. I am not in physical Rehab but mentally and emotionally I am so there. After a long conversation yesterday with a friend that knows both of us, I realized that maybe he is right that we are co-dependent on each other. He was like my prozac he relieved all my pain. We had our problems and issues but he always seem to help me settle down and think my situations out rather it was business or family. He help me thru all the major things in my life since 2007. Even when his life was not on track he could figure out mine. I could talk to him about almost everything. I could be "Just Bo" and laugh and be silly if I wanted to and he never told me to act my age or grow up. When I was focused on business and I was trying to think out my ideas, he help me break them down and made them make sense. Business was the hard part for us because our business methods were so different and business is the part I will not bend on if I feel I am right. For someone that was not physically under my roof , his presence has been here the whole time with me.

Now I am just trying to get pass the hurt, anger and pain to move forward. We talk about this but for some reason me moving on without him in any part of my life has not been easy. I talk to alot of ppl on the daily basis to try to feel the void but it is not the same. I get attention but it is not the same. I remember this song that came out when I lived in Cali called "Tell them what they want to hear". To be honest that is what I feel I do now. There is only one person that I tell my true feelings to and now I fight that feeling also. So now I am left with alot of empty flirting and no real emotions for anyone. I have to focus on my family, business and work to get pass this feeling.

I know there will be another but they will never have my all again. I can't handle the hurt,anger and pain again. I will give a part of me and I will love again but total all in 100% , I got your back love not happening for me. I guess to be totally honest about the situation there will never be another person in my life the way my ex was in my life unless miracles happen and it is my ex back in my life after everything is fixed

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Going thru this alone! This is Hard for Me




Yesterday, I found out that a woman that was like my grandmother past away. She was my sister's mother-in-law. My sister got married when I was 5 years old. I was like her shadow.



Grandma Etta lived in Baltimore and we would visit her often. She was a angel and she saved me from a lot of beatings from my brother-in-law because I was bad. I never remember her raising her voice. She was very over-protective even of my brother-in-law and he was grown with kids. I still remember the pictures I took at her house with the ponytails.




I woke up with my sister on my mind yesterday. I called my mom but she was busy and I told her I would call her back. I walked around yesterday morning trying to think of words to write to my sister because I want us to be closer. I want a relationship with her like I have with my baby sister Margo. Margo go thru alot together and she has thought me what having a close sister is like. With Denny being so much older than I am we don't have that relationship. Before I could but words on paper yesterday, my mom called me back to tell me Etta past away in my sister's arms. I could tell in her voice that she was taking it hard. I cried my tears and when I was strong enough I called my sister.



It was tell for me to step up and be the sister she needed for a change. We talked for almost a hour and she told me the story of how it happen. This was the first time in a long time that we did not fight or argue. I just listen to her and tried to comfort her. I even got her to think back on good memories of times she took me to visit Etta. My sister made Etta last days good days and I am happy about that because she had been in Baltimore a long time by herself after Bill died. She had a chance to move to New Mexico with my sister and spend time with my nephew and neice and their kids. She got to see them grown up and with good lives. She worried so much that I know that being there with them she died in peace. Yesterday was hard because I was here alone and my family was away. My kids never got to be around Etta so they did not understand. My friend Peyton understood and he was there for me and I sent the evening talking to my niece and nephew. I am cancelling my business trip to Jersey because I need to be with my family when they take her back to Baltimore. I missed my grandmother Essie funeral, I had just had my son, My grandmother Jessie Mae died when I was fighting for my life in 2000 and My grandmother Mable died two weeks after I came home from Vegas with her at my Uncle's Maurice funeral. I have to say goodbye to Etta.


This is the first time since 2007 that I did not have Tim in my life to help me get thru the pain and hurt. He had been my support system and now that is over. I took my hurt out on him last night and started a fight for no reason. He didn't deserve it and I had to say I was sorry. I was just angry that he could not fix it this time for me.

I know the tears will fall and the hurt will be there for me for awhile. I look forward to seeing my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew and niece in a week or two. My mom is even trying to come to be with us. I just want to be there for my sister. Like she was for me growing up and introducing me to Etta.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Things are changing and I feel it



He use to be my priority in life. Everything in my world would stop for him when he needed me. He was the first voice I wanted to hear in the morning and I had to go to sleep to his voice at night. He was my drug that cured all my pain. If I felt he needed my last dollar I would give it to him and go without as long as I knew he was going to be okay. If I did not hear from him in a few hours after talking to him, I would worry that something had happen to him. At one point, I gave up everything just to be near him and have him in my life. He was my truth and my life. I trusted him, loved him and adored him and the thought of him not being in my life ripped my world apart. It took me alot for me to realize after I found out that everything was a lie that things could not be fixed. I wanted to fix it , I wanted to fix him, I wanted to fix our relationship but how can you fix something that is shattered into so many pieces. I have no trust in him and I can not believe anything that he says anymore. I have cried so much that now when I cry it is because I miss what I had with him. I have the memories and the laughter that we had but memories soon fade away. I have noticed that his life is not my priority anymore. His needs are not my concern anymore. His happiness is not my goal in life anymore. I don't feel his pain anymore and it does not bother me not to talk to him anymore. The one thing that I had not been able to do because of the hold he had on my heart and mind , I was able to do a couple of weeks ago and had no regrets in doing it. It takes awhile to get over someone that you loved so deeply and I have learned that rushing from one relationship to another is not the answer. I was told that the best way to get over one man is under another and that is not true for me. I have to take the time and let that person get out of my system. My two biggest heartbreaks have taken time to work thru but I am okay now. No one understood that I would have given anything to fix it but you can not fix something that does not have a desire to be fixed. I use to think it was me that caused me to keep ending up in the same place but the only responsiblity I can take is loving them too much and trying to show ppl how to give and receive love that have never experienced it.

I feel that God has my mate out there and one day he will find me. I will know that he is the one because he will persistent,bold in his pursuit, and his love will be calming, trusting, honest and real in my life. He will fit in me and my kids life life a missing puzzle piece. It will not hard but easy and relaxing with no drama or stress. He will not try to control me or abuse me.He will not use me to make his life better financially. He will love, respect and cherish me. He will understand that we need to cherish every moment like it is our last. Until then I will enjoy my career and family and give all my time to them. As far as my ex, I care and a part will always love him and not hate him and I remember that part of our relationship that was flawless!