Rehab reality not a joke!

We use to laugh that when we ended I would end up in Rehab. I am not in physical Rehab but mentally and emotionally I am so there. After a long conversation yesterday with a friend that knows both of us, I realized that maybe he is right that we are co-dependent on each other. He was like my prozac he relieved all my pain. We had our problems and issues but he always seem to help me settle down and think my situations out rather it was business or family. He help me thru all the major things in my life since 2007. Even when his life was not on track he could figure out mine. I could talk to him about almost everything. I could be "Just Bo" and laugh and be silly if I wanted to and he never told me to act my age or grow up. When I was focused on business and I was trying to think out my ideas, he help me break them down and made them make sense. Business was the hard part for us because our business methods were so different and business is the part I will not bend on if I feel I am right. For someone that was not physically under my roof , his presence has been here the whole time with me.

Now I am just trying to get pass the hurt, anger and pain to move forward. We talk about this but for some reason me moving on without him in any part of my life has not been easy. I talk to alot of ppl on the daily basis to try to feel the void but it is not the same. I get attention but it is not the same. I remember this song that came out when I lived in Cali called "Tell them what they want to hear". To be honest that is what I feel I do now. There is only one person that I tell my true feelings to and now I fight that feeling also. So now I am left with alot of empty flirting and no real emotions for anyone. I have to focus on my family, business and work to get pass this feeling.

I know there will be another but they will never have my all again. I can't handle the hurt,anger and pain again. I will give a part of me and I will love again but total all in 100% , I got your back love not happening for me. I guess to be totally honest about the situation there will never be another person in my life the way my ex was in my life unless miracles happen and it is my ex back in my life after everything is fixed

Going thru this alone! This is Hard for Me

Yesterday, I found out that a woman that was like my grandmother past away. She was my sister's mother-in-law. My sister got married when I was 5 years old. I was like her shadow.



Grandma Etta lived in Baltimore and we would visit her often. She was a angel and she saved me from a lot of beatings from my brother-in-law because I was bad. I never remember her raising her voice. She was very over-protective even of my brother-in-law and he was grown with kids. I still remember the pictures I took at her house with the ponytails.




I woke up with my sister on my mind yesterday. I called my mom but she was busy and I told her I would call her back. I walked around yesterday morning trying to think of words to write to my sister because I want us to be closer. I want a relationship with her like I have with my baby sister Margo. Margo go thru alot together and she has thought me what having a close sister is like. With Denny being so much older than I am we don't have that relationship. Before I could but words on paper yesterday, my mom called me back to tell me Etta past away in my sister's arms. I could tell in her voice that she was taking it hard. I cried my tears and when I was strong enough I called my sister.



It was tell for me to step up and be the sister she needed for a change. We talked for almost a hour and she told me the story of how it happen. This was the first time in a long time that we did not fight or argue. I just listen to her and tried to comfort her. I even got her to think back on good memories of times she took me to visit Etta. My sister made Etta last days good days and I am happy about that because she had been in Baltimore a long time by herself after Bill died. She had a chance to move to New Mexico with my sister and spend time with my nephew and neice and their kids. She got to see them grown up and with good lives. She worried so much that I know that being there with them she died in peace. Yesterday was hard because I was here alone and my family was away. My kids never got to be around Etta so they did not understand. My friend Peyton understood and he was there for me and I sent the evening talking to my niece and nephew. I am cancelling my business trip to Jersey because I need to be with my family when they take her back to Baltimore. I missed my grandmother Essie funeral, I had just had my son, My grandmother Jessie Mae died when I was fighting for my life in 2000 and My grandmother Mable died two weeks after I came home from Vegas with her at my Uncle's Maurice funeral. I have to say goodbye to Etta.


This is the first time since 2007 that I did not have Tim in my life to help me get thru the pain and hurt. He had been my support system and now that is over. I took my hurt out on him last night and started a fight for no reason. He didn't deserve it and I had to say I was sorry. I was just angry that he could not fix it this time for me.

I know the tears will fall and the hurt will be there for me for awhile. I look forward to seeing my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew and niece in a week or two. My mom is even trying to come to be with us. I just want to be there for my sister. Like she was for me growing up and introducing me to Etta.

Things are changing and I feel it

He use to be my priority in life. Everything in my world would stop for him when he needed me. He was the first voice I wanted to hear in the morning and I had to go to sleep to his voice at night. He was my drug that cured all my pain. If I felt he needed my last dollar I would give it to him and go without as long as I knew he was going to be okay. If I did not hear from him in a few hours after talking to him, I would worry that something had happen to him. At one point, I gave up everything just to be near him and have him in my life. He was my truth and my life. I trusted him, loved him and adored him and the thought of him not being in my life ripped my world apart. It took me alot for me to realize after I found out that everything was a lie that things could not be fixed. I wanted to fix it , I wanted to fix him, I wanted to fix our relationship but how can you fix something that is shattered into so many pieces. I have no trust in him and I can not believe anything that he says anymore. I have cried so much that now when I cry it is because I miss what I had with him. I have the memories and the laughter that we had but memories soon fade away. I have noticed that his life is not my priority anymore. His needs are not my concern anymore. His happiness is not my goal in life anymore. I don't feel his pain anymore and it does not bother me not to talk to him anymore. The one thing that I had not been able to do because of the hold he had on my heart and mind , I was able to do a couple of weeks ago and had no regrets in doing it. It takes awhile to get over someone that you loved so deeply and I have learned that rushing from one relationship to another is not the answer. I was told that the best way to get over one man is under another and that is not true for me. I have to take the time and let that person get out of my system. My two biggest heartbreaks have taken time to work thru but I am okay now. No one understood that I would have given anything to fix it but you can not fix something that does not have a desire to be fixed. I use to think it was me that caused me to keep ending up in the same place but the only responsiblity I can take is loving them too much and trying to show ppl how to give and receive love that have never experienced it.

I feel that God has my mate out there and one day he will find me. I will know that he is the one because he will persistent,bold in his pursuit, and his love will be calming, trusting, honest and real in my life. He will fit in me and my kids life life a missing puzzle piece. It will not hard but easy and relaxing with no drama or stress. He will not try to control me or abuse me.He will not use me to make his life better financially. He will love, respect and cherish me. He will understand that we need to cherish every moment like it is our last. Until then I will enjoy my career and family and give all my time to them. As far as my ex, I care and a part will always love him and not hate him and I remember that part of our relationship that was flawless!