I was on my way home listening to my favorite station Heart & Soul when they begin to play songs that hit me so hard. Each song was a song that made me think about men in my past and I begin to cry. I had flash backs of the good times that I had experience with them and why I had fallen in love with them. I realized that people around me were the cause of me shouting down my memories. I thought about the most important thing they taught me and that was that love was not about material possessions or how much money they made in their careers. After 15 years of marriage to a man that I knew love me but did not know how to reach me for me to be the woman I knew I could be. Don't get me wrong, getting married saved my life and allowed me to raise my kids with a mother and father under one roof something that alot of kids never experience. They never experienced seeing us fight but always believed that we were one big happy family. The problem was that I was losing myself and I was not happy with my relationship. I loved my husband but I was not in love with my husband. The next three men in my life after my marriage actually taught me who I was and allowed me to grow personally,emotionally and mentally. I learned how to open up and allow someone to really get to know me. They took the time to learn me in ways my husband never did in my marriage. They could look at my facial expressions and know what I was thinking. When I didn't want to talk they learn how to make me talk about what I was feeling inside. I learned to love each one of them for them and not for what they could buy me, where they could take me or what they could do for me. All they had was love to give me and I feel I taught each one what real love was all about. I hate the fact that each one had a secret life that killed our relationship and some of the secrets were worst than others. Each relationship hurt a little more than the other when it ended and because of some of the circumstances I had to completely cut one of them out of my life. The other two are still friends of mine because honestly just like the secrets in their lives that came between us they also understand me because of the true things they know and understand about things in my past. I still think about the silly moments, the deep talks, the quiet time, the walks by the ocean, the nights that we cuddled on the couch, the time we spent with the kids, the great sex that we shared. I have learned alot about life but it also hurts that family and friends make it to a point that men in your past have to become unspoken of because they will criticize you and look at you crazy for saying that you miss them or the things you did together. I will admit I cry because I feel I have to hold so many things inside and I can not talk to anyone about them. I hate that I feel I will never love anyone else in my lifetime like I experienced in those three relationships. I learned what real heartbreak was like , when you feel your heart rip into two pieces and all you can do is cry alone and the only person that can help you heal is the person that hurt you. No one will ever understand. I will never be able to open my heart and life to anyone else the way I did with them. I have tried to find someone that was the three of them in one person and I just do not believe that man exist. The sad part to me is that out of the three only one of them my family would accept back into my life with cutting me off. One cross the line of no return and I could never take him back into my life but I can hold on the the memories of the good times. The last one is the one I cry the most over and just try to understand and accept the present life we have today.
