Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I thought they were my feelings

The one thing I hate more than anything is when someone tries to tell me how I feel and what I want. It is very frustrating to be misunderstood. I want love and understanding and I want a real man in my life. I have been on my own since I was 17 and to make sure I never fell on my face I was always in the position to control my life. This does not mean that if the right person comes into my life that I could not release control for him to be the head of our household. The one thing about me is when I love I love hard. I don't fall in love easy and when I do it takes a lot for me to fall out of love. I think I just need a break sometimes........

Monday, December 12, 2011

Many different feelings


I turned 44 last week and it feels good. I like where I am in life but I am looking forward to my life after TJ graduates. Everyday is something new with the boys but it is a challenge for me. I was always told that you appreciate things more when you do it yourself. I guess it is true. I am glad that I am teaching the boys about managing and sacrificing. I have a lot on my shoulders and sometimes I do just cry when I am alone. I don't like to show the kids especially the boys when I am having a bad day. I can get us through this and when it is all over the bond between us will be even stronger. If I give them all of me that will understand how to give all of themselves to a woman in there life when they in a serious relationship. I tried to teach them about the choices they make in life and how to handle unfair situations in their life. Failure is not a option and I only can teach them from my experiences. I am not a man and I can't teach them to be a man but I can teach them the listens my father thought me. I take the good from the men around me and that is what I teach them. The recruiting process is overwhelming but thanks to ppl close to me and the website I paid for I am learning a lot. Education about things you don't know goes a long way.

My personal life is another story. There is someone in my life that I respect and love a lot but I must admit that being in two different states is hard. I get lonely and I want to just be under him but it is not possible right now. I realize how much I miss having a day to day relationship with someone special in my life. I get conversation everyday but I can not wait until I can wake up and cook him breakfast in bed, cuddle all day, hang out and go to events, just enjoy each other all day everyday. It has been a adjustment for me to be back in a relationship but the real adjustment will happen being in the same city. I am good with it now because I am not dealing with any baggage from my past. I have given myself time to heal and it is a good feeling.


Friday, November 25, 2011

A New Direction ! From California to Michigan

                                                       

 Living in Jersey with a Michigan Hoodie!

It has been awhile since I blogged and a lot has happen since my trip to Detroit. I found out some important things on that trip that changed the course of my life. I was with my Aunt and Cousins for the first time without my parents around but every house that I went to had my parents presents. I saw my great uncle and older cousins that were my babysitters when I growing up and all my younger cousins that I use to babysit when they came down south. I realized how much I miss living around my family. I took a lot of pictures, look at a lot of old pictures and just enjoyed my family being around me. The only other time that I have had a lot of my family around was when I lived in LA. Most of my cousins around my age have left LA because of how expensive it is to live there. My plan was to move back to LA in the summer after TJ graduated and just do me and run my company. After my trip to Detroit, I decided on a new destination. I finally got a chance to meet my best friend face to face after five years of daily conversations. He has help me thru a lot in the past 3 1/2 years. I got to go sight seeing and around Detroit but the one place I didn't want to go was to my grandparents old neighborhood. I didn't see Trey this time but with the move I know I will see him a lot. Trey has been around since 2002 and he is not going anywhere.

                                                                         My Baby Boy! T.J

Football season for T.J was exciting this year with him being on varsity. Every week was a roller coaster in my house with the boys. Yes, I said boys. Dontrell is still with me and has really became like part of my family. I think if his mom ever said he had to leave I would be sad. They started off slow with some major losses but ended up going to the playoffs. I found this website that help me get T.J look at by major colleges for a football scholarships. He has been giving a scholarship to go to college in Kansas and he also has a opportunity the Reg open for him in Missouri. I hope to keep him and Dontrell together for school so they will have each other. T.J was nominated for homecoming court and I believe he did win but after a black female won homecoming queen it was no way that the school was going to let it go down in history like that but he was good with it. It was amazing to see how much my son is like me. He is a leader like mom and not a follower. He has my personality and I fun to just sit back and watch him in action. I feel I have done a great job in raising him not because I say so but because that is the feedback I get from everyone that comes in contact with him and they tell me I that I have done a good job. I feel my parents especially my dad had a lot to do with it because he was my role model of what a man is suppose to be like and that is what I thought my son. So right now it is between University of Saint Mary's and Lincoln University in Missouri for school. We still have the second half of his senior year to go but the first half was so exciting for both of us. Albert came back to the states and he was also here to support T.J and Dontrell at the games with me.

                                         Took T.J and Dontrell on a College Visit to Grambling

Now for Sakyi. She had scheduled her wedding for October and I was upset because I always dream that she would have a real wedding. I have realized that it is not the wedding that is in important but the marriage. I am excited that she has found someone that loves her as much as she loves him and they work things out together. They are not married yet but they live life like they are just in two different houses. She found the diet and fell in love with it and lost over 60 pounds. I am excited about that because I was concerned about her weight and her health. She has learned to eat better and workout now so I am so happy about that now to get her back in school.

                                                                    My Baby Girl! At Then
                                                     After losing 62 pounds in 4 months

I celebrated my last pre-thanksgiving with the girls Margo and Tanisha. We had a lot of fun, we laughed until we cried, talked about love and the one's we love, heartache and heartbreak. In the end the three of us are still strong, black women raising our kids alone and surviving in this world. All we really want is that one person to love , honor and cherish us the same way that we love them. It was our waiting to exhale moment. I will miss the holidays with the girls but I can always come back to visit and even send for her to visit me. One of our girls is already in Detroit so that would be fun to bring Margo and Tanisha up to visit.

                                                                    Margo and Tanisha
Well now for a update on me. I was told a earlier this year or last year a something that was really confusing to me. My girl Theresa Booker is like a big sister to me said "Boo you are looking for love but I believe what you are looking for has been in your life the whole time". I started looking at everyone in my life and I was not seeing it. I was still entertaining conversation with my ex but in my heart I knew that was never going to happen again for me. He was safe for me because I knew he was never coming to Houston. He was someone to talk to that I felt love me but the verdict on the whole love thing will remain a hung jury. I look at the man that has been in my life since I was 13 but I knew it wasn't him either because if being with him was right and what I wanted to do I have had 30 years. Well I recently found out who it was and she was right. He had been in my life the whole time and was the last person I expected. It has been scary making the adjustment but I trust and respect him a lot. He is a real stand up kind of guy . It was funny because the one I met on blackpeoplemeet came to visit and he was definitely not the one and when the person in my life reveal himself I had just told him how important chemistry was to me when I meet people and how there was no chemistry with that guy. When he revealed himself to me , that chemistry was there and we could only laugh about my statement. I am happy and everyday is new for me now. I go thru my periods of missing him a lot because he is not here but we will be together soon in the same place. We are learning each other on a different level now which is scary because he knows all my secrets!

Oh! the new team lead turned out to be great and I would do anything to help her succeed. I have started my job hunt for Detroit and I don't feel I will have a problem at all. I think I have also narrow down an apartment also that is not far from my sister and cousins. Being 43 has been a interested year for me with a lot of revelations and surprises, a lot of ups and downs. My business is doing great and still maintaining a great reputation in the music industry. I hope to blog again before my birthday but if not good bye 43 and hello 44!

                                                                    My 43rd Birthday
                                                                      New Year's Eve 2010
                                                                            Jan 2011
                                                                            March 2011
                                                                      May 2011 (foot surgery)
                                                                      June 2011
                                                                  June 23rd started the HCG diet
                                                                          July 2011
                                                                     End of July 2011
                                                                    First of August 2011
                                                                             Middle of August 2011
                                                                     End of August 2011
                                                                          In Detroit End of August 2011
                                                                         Sept 2011
                                                                         October 2011- Lost 35 pounds
                                                                         November 2011
                                               Me and my baby boy! End of November

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Feeling really good about life


I have been on the HCG since June 23rd. I am down to 184 from 209. My numbers go up and down because of my blood sugar dropping and I have to get carbs to get it back up. I also have another issue that I have to make sure I fix weekly with colon cleansing. I have got into a habit of going to the gym now and when I don't go I feel so tired . I am not going to stop to I get top my goal weight of 150 for now and after I get there I may go for 130. It helps that my daughter is doing it with me and she has 38 pounds.

It is football season again for my son and it is his senior year. I think I am just as excited as he is about it. I have my godson with me also this year so two teenage boys under the roof is not as bad as I thought it would be. My daughter is getting ready for life , moving out and getting married . We watch the wedding shows all the time now.

I am going to Detroit on the 26th for the first time since my grandfather died in 2006. I will get to see Reg T, Eightmile and Dommy Styles and Trey. My family is excited that I am coming and I am happy to go see my aunt for her 75th birthday.

I joined blackpeoplemeet.com and I have met some interesting people. I have not been out on any dates yet because the people I have decided to talk to live out of state. I met one that is standing out among the rest and really keeping my attention. He has a lot of potential and if he plays it right he can defeat all competition. I met one person in town today and that is crazy and I will tell you about that later. I miss my friend but he is focus on studying so he can go back to school and I am happy that is getting back on his feet.

I have a new team lead starting tomorrow and she is a woman. It is not bad that she is a woman but it is bad that she is not technical and have no experience in Desktop support. I will wait to see what happens but I am going to miss Ethan.


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Battling with Weight Gain- Starting my HCG Diet





Since the Video I have lost 13.4 pounds in 13 days and found out that I should not add the crystal light to my water. My daughter has had a 20 pound lost in 13 days and we are enjoying the diet. I have decided for my 44 birthday I want to be in a size 4! Let's Go HCG....Let's get healthy..

Starting weight 209 6/23

7/6 195.9

Sunday, June 12, 2011

B Serious Love, Life and Relationships is Back with a New Co-Host Dub-X Tha General





After two years of I decided that it was time to bring back my talk show. I have experienced a lot in two years from love, death, conflict and just experiencing life! Check out the new show every week on Blogtalkradio.com/adorablep

Listen to internet radio with Adorable P on Blog Talk Radio

Friday, May 27, 2011

When do I get Love right?




I have been told that I play the victim and sometimes that makes me wonder; do I? All my life I have tried to figure out this love thing. I have read and research from many sources what love is and how it is suppose to work. I read self-help books, the bible, advice columns and for some reason what I think and what I do never seem to add up. I pray to God daily to show me what love is and how to handle my situation. I asked God to send me my soulmate and take everyone else out my life that is not for me. I keep getting the same answer and everyone else comes and goes and the one I am in love with remains. I have given love to men that don't deserve my love. For a long time I had love and sex confused and for one I did not connect them. I connected sex with hurt and pain and not love. When I finally dealt with being molested and I got counseling for that I started to understand my feelings and thoughts towards sex.

I guess this is where I feel like the victim but I am tired of people coming into my life that claim they love me only to end up hurting me. I remember a play by Deron Cloud called the "Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang" and he talked about the woman like me that has been hurt so many times that by the time "The one" comes she has nothing else to give. Like the coke bottle being shaking up and open and the fizz comes out the top of the bottle. This can only happen so many things before there is not more fizz that will come to the top. I have ran from love for a long time because I am always trying to protect myself from getting hurt. In the process of running and putting up walls and trying to protect myself, I have hurt the one man I really love and everyday I go through trying to figure out how to fix it. I feel if I leave myself open and I am putting myself in the same space I did to get hurt.

I guess my expectations of love is that love conquers all things. I thought if love is the foundation of the relationship that you can get thru all the ups and downs that happen in relationships. I am not perfect and I make mistakes and most of my mistakes are made because of my reactions to situations in my life.
When you make a mistake with God you ask for forgiveness and God forgives you and you have a clear slate. I don't understand why isn't it the same in relationships? I guess my real questions is if you love someone but you break up and you believe that person is not coming back and you try to move on but your choice of people to move on with are bad choices; does this mean you didn't love the person you where with and how can you fix the problem? I am so confused and when I say I am sorry and try to explain my thought process when I did it I only make it worst. God I really need your help and guidance because I don't know how to fix it or which way to go right now. All I know is I love him, I have always loved him, I don't want to live my life without him but how do I ease his pain and his hurt?

This love thing is not easy and I want to learn to fix it and stop running away from it when it gets hard. I understand that love is give and take. I was hurt and I feel I worked thru my hurt and I realized that I loved him enough to let the pain go so we can move forward with our life. I know we would have never made it this far if it wasn't love between the two of us. Maybe only God can help us fix this or maybe we need counseling. I don't know the answer to the how to fix it but I do not the answer to the question am I in love with him? The answer to that is yes. I am very much in love with my baby and I dedicated to making this work this time.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I can openly admit it!



It has taken me a long time to get back to this point in my life and relationship but I can honestly say that I thought I would never get back to this point. Things are not perfect and there is still a lot of things that we have to work thru but me trusting him with my love and heart is a big step for me. I put a wall up and I was determined not to let anyone back over that wall especially him but time does heal and help. I can only take it one day at a time and maybe we will be where we both need to be to make this work the right way this time. My baby is my heart and I do love him so much. I believe that it is a such thing as a soulmate and I believe he is mine. He is my bestfriend,my lover and therapist and more lol.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

One Year Yesterday My Mom Passed Away




It has been a long year without my mom. My mom and I did not always see eye to eye on things but she was still Ella Mae. I would call her anyway just to talk to her because she always kept me updated on what was going on in the family and in Monroe. I had so many of her ways that we clashed all the time. It is funny that now I can sit back and remember all the things she taught me about being a woman and life. Our lives were so different because she got married right after high school and my dad went into the Air Force and they were married for 48 years. She was never molested,never a teenage parent, never went to college,never moved away from home alone, never worked in corporate america and was never divorced. It was really hard for her to identify with me and my life. I really fault moving back to Houston in 2008 and I was really angry that my baby trick me into it but in the end it was the best decision for me. I got a chance to send her last Christmas with her and I got to spend time with her before she passed away. It took me a long time after she passed to break the habit of calling home everyday at lunch to talk to her and calling her everytime something happen with the kids or in my life. My older sister is now filling in for my mom and we talk often. My mom died believing that I was not happy because I was not married and she wanted to see me get remarried. I believe that her and my dad look down at me and the kids and just laugh on a daily basis now and that makes me feel good. I miss her alot and her collard greens and cornbread. Fantasia song has me thinking more of my mom collard greens and cornbread then the love of my life she is referring to in the song.





R.I.P



Ella Mae Conley-Tyler




Saturday, April 16, 2011

Doin Me and It feels Good

It's been a minute since I took the time to blog but this morning I woke up with it on my mind. I took some time to do some soul searching and make some decisions about my life. I was listening to everyone's else feelings about my situation and my heart was not agreeing with any of them. I realized that the man that I am in love with does love me just as much as I love him. I enjoy every conversation we have because right now it is not possible for us to be in the same place. I tried many times to walk away and start a life without him but I am sorry it is no life without him. I have learned that real love is different from just saying you love someone. Life has it's ups and downs and people that are in love with you will ride that rollercoaster with you. I know that situations in our life today does not allow us to be a couple but I know this is not forever. I had a friend that ask me why was I looking for something I already have in my life. That was a good question because I was looking for someone to love me but a new person was never going to work because I was not ever going to be able to love them back. I even tried the friends with benefits but that only was for the sexual side of me and that was not enough. I tried a new relationship but that did not last a month.


I can honestly say today I am good. I talk to my baby daily and we go thru life together. I can't fix everything and I am realizing it is not my job to make his life better but just to be there for him while he works on his own life. My heart does not hurt anymore now that I have made the right decision for me. We can be friends because the love is what keeps us together. When the time is right for us to be a couple again it will happen but for now we enjoy what we have 1700 miles apart.