After 15 years , My feelings only grew stronger!

 So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog.  Our project with NBCU ended when Covid arrived and I went to a very boring project. The hardest part of my summer was my sister dying. In June, my sister was at my house and she was not feeling good. She was preparing me for her dying and I was not ready. In July , I found out was dying of cancer. By August , my sister was gone and I was all alone. I then found out that I had cancer and it was hard for me. I wanted to keep it to myself and not share it with anyone but I felt that it was not the best thing for me do. I only shared it with kids, my family and close friends. I was scared and I did not know what to do but I just knew I had to fight and not give up. I fought the doctor that wanted to do nothing and found a doctor that would do something. In November, I got cryoablation and they removed it from my right kidney. 

So 2020 was hard for me, I was not able to see Reg as much because of the lock down but I learned so much about myself. I questioned my feelings so much and I wonder if there was no physical it my feelings would change. I found out that what was there was more than just the physical. The friendship we built the first 5 years appeared and I didn't change. My feelings didn't change. I actually realized that I loved him more not being physical. He show up for me like he has everyday since 2006. Many people don't understand us but we understand us. We understand what are priorities are and we also understand the goals we have set for ourselves. I can not lie, my days get lonely not being close to him but all I have to do is text him. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing and he will always answer me and that is better than him physically being there.. I get ask often if I would prefer being with someone that could be physically there but my answer is right now . When would I have time to give them if they were physically close to me. Honestly , I don't want anyone else in my life. After almost 15 years of him being in my life, I am still excited to see him and talk to him. I still miss him when I don't see him and I still feel he is so sexy even at 50. He is kind, smart, caring, loving, respectful, proud and determined. He is polite with morals and decency. He makes me feel safe when I am scare. He knows how to calm me down when I feel my world is falling apart. He encourages me when I have doubts and he doesn't sugar coat things just to make me feel better. He is a straight shooter with me and I can not ask for more. My life is not normal and he understands that because his life is not normal either. I sometimes work 7 days a week 17 hours a day. He also works long hours and then come home to be a loving father to a teenager. It is our life but we understand each other. He is my friend, my heart, the love of my life and I would not trade him for the whole. I don't know where the future will take us but right now I enjoy everyday that we have together. He allows me to just be me and when he is around , I can be vulnerable , soft and submissive. I don't have to be in control for a change. I don't have to always have the answers and I don't have to solve everyone's problems. I don't even have to talk if I don't want to talk. I love this man to death through all of our ups and downs, disagreements and agreements, while I was sick and even more when I am feeling well. He shows up for me and I appreciate him more than he will ever know.

It isn't just about my career anymore!

It is May 30th 2020, I now live in a place called Lebanon,  Ohio. Yes, I was in NC but my job told me for my promotion,  I had to move and I had to manage a bigger team. I bought my first house in my lifetime and it feels good. I run the Service Desk Globally for NBCU here but that project just ended.

The last year many things have happened.  I miss my kids but I talk to them everyday.  They are both living with their mates now and they are happy so I am happy. TJ is actually engaged now. Sakyi finally gave Ousmane an opportunity and he spends everyday just trying to make her happy.

Well for me and my love life. I have learned many things. I am a runner and have been my whole life. The crazy thing for me is that I have fallen in love with a man and I have tried to pray him away, I moved away, I even tried to replace him . I pray to God for vision and insight and direction and he is still here. We are not always on the same page but who is on the same page 24/7. I know when I am with him , I am calm. I feel safe, I feel loved. It is something about him I can't explain but every since he walked into my life he makes me want to be a better me. We have never gave this a title. But I guess a title would be nice. After January and February,  I learned alot about myself and him. I realized that the kinda of love I have always written about that I wanted to feel was in me. I realized that for many years that I listened to others opinions about what they didn't see affect how I was feeling.  Everyone does not know him like I do. Everyone does not know how he moves, how he thinks, what is important to him, his goals and aspirations.  They don't know everything that makes him that man I am so deeply in love with but I do. He has taught me how to love him. He gave me the blueprint and he is not like other man.He is his own man with his own dreams that does things his own way. He allows me to just be me when I am with him. I don't have to put on bold attitude. I can be honest with him and tell him when I am afraid,sad,hurting and now I actually admit that I even need him sometimes.  

I had alot of time to think about my life and what is important to me and for me. For years , I put my career before everything in my life because it meant I could stand on my own two feet. It is something I know I am awesome at and if I put the time and effort into it I will be successful at it. The last 9 years , I had a goal that I set for myself personally.  It is wake up and just try to be a better person than I was yesterday.  I have started over so many times that I lost count. I had to stand on my own and depend on me alone. I had to learn how to manage my health because I have so many things I haven't experienced yet. I remember in 2011, he ask the question was I ready to give 200%. I was also told never to tell him he was the head of the house and not let him lead.In 2011, I told him all I wanted was to love him, spoil him, cook for him and support him mentally,  emotionally and physically.  I have kept my promises.  I have never made a promise to him that I haven't kept. When I said I was ready and in love with him in 2011, it is 9 years later and now I know without a doubt it isn't lust or infatuation but that I do truly love him and only him. He is the air I breathe,  he makes my heartbeat and 9 years later I still get butterflies before he arrives.  I had the time to really think about what is important to me and I realized the money makes me live comfortable but it is the way he makes me feel inside that brings me joy.

Another Year as Past By

2018 was a long year for me. My career is on a new level and so is my life. My daughter moved here with me and is also working with me. I got to cross some things off my list. I got to swim with the Dolphins.

TJ found the love of his life in 2018. Her name is Brooke and I really like her a lot.

I got to experience Florida twice in one year. Orlando is where we left to go to the Bahamas and for Christmas we went to Cape Coral, Florida . I learned how to balance work and going home to Detroit 

to visit the other part of my top 3. I 

hired my dream team and it is very exciting. Oh I am got my wheels jack on my rental in Detroit. Never been bricked before.

"You can't Run From Love"

Since 2008 , I have talk to him almost everyday. When no one else knew where I was and what I was doing , he did. When this friendship started, I use to call him someone that was like a brother to me. We spent all day just talking but it was different.  He was like I am and we are better expressing ourselves writing, so we text more than we talk. We did the text and talk thing for 5 years before we met face to face.

This guy help me through the worst heartbreak I had in my life. If you have read this blog you know the one I am referring to. He picked up the broken me and he put all the pieces back together and help me become whole again. He didn't do it with an agenda to one day be the man in my world.

Being my friend , he had alot of insight into my life, my pain, my past, my baggage. I was truly a Bag lady. But he had baggage too and we both understood that and that made the friendship stronger. He had been hurt and people made him promises and they didn't keep their word to him.

I fell in love with someone that I had never met face to face. I didn't even realize that it had happened until July 2011. I stopped hearing from him for almost a week. I panic and started checking news sites, police reports, and hospitals because there was no sign on him. He wasn't responding to my messages, he wasn't posting on social media, so I started reaching out to people we talked about to see if they had physically saw him or talked to him because he was 1600 miles away from me. He finally contacted me to let me know he was ok. He was just going through something and needed some space to himself.

It was that July 2011, that I realized how I felt about him. I did meet him August 2011. The friendship that I hide behind was in my world. The feelings I never expressed I had show up front and center the first time he hug me. We both realized that we had built more than a friendship.

Because of our past pain and baggage we have spent since 2011, running to and from each other. We can't seem to let go and trust our hearts with each other. We can't seem to commit to a relationship with a title for that is what it is. So we keep running and ending up back in the same place.

I have hurt him but he doesn't understand that he has hurt me also. We have been in this so long that I dont know how to live without him. He pushes me away and I try to go but how can I go when he is inside of me. He is apart of me.

He will tell me to go find someone that can give me everything I am looking for and I am dumb enough to try it. I end up only involving others into our life for them to tell me no one can have a heart that belongs to him. I am physically with them and I can learn to love them but I can't give them all of me. Jasmine Sullivan song "I'm in Love with another man" always appears.

He owns my heart, he is in me, apart of me and I can't run from it. I am 10 hours away and a new place, a new apartment, a new job and new people but I miss him. He is in me and I can't run. When I moved to Detroit in 2012, I met this artist that I was working with that had this song. The lyrics of the song says "You can't run from love". This made me show up on his porch June 2012. It continues to make me show .

It is funny all the test on Facebook keeps telling me I am already with my soulmate. I believe he  is the white suit at the end of my isle.

Full of surprises

Full of Surprises

It has been awhile since I actually blogged. So many things happen since the last time. So I will give a brief catch up. My contract ended with CenturyLink in September 2016. I started working for this company out of India called TCS. In August, I relocated to Raleigh, NC to take on a challenge I was looking for as IT Manager of the Service Desk, Desktop Support, Asset Management, Mobility, Telecom and IT Security. I have put in many 16 hours day but it is getting where I want it to be. Raleigh is not bad but I am 10 hours away from Detroit.

Once again , I put my career first and might have hurt my personal life. I am still trying to figure out what my personal life is now. I can't and won't lie the man I left in Detroit was my life. We have been through alot since we meet. It wan't the Relationship I wanted but he was there in ways no one will ever understand for years before I even moved to Detroit. If it is truly over , I will never be mad or angry towards him. One day at a time to see where my life goes from here. I really don't have a clue.

My son graduated from college and is back in school to get his Master's . Proud Mom moment . It was the first time my original family was in the same place since our divorce and we have a good weekend.

2017 Is a different type of Year!

This year has been very interesting. I got a new job and the stress of the last job is gone. This job gave the title and money I wanted but they screwed up so many other things in the process. I have a new friend in my job and he is alot like Ronnie. Yes , another Taurus. We work well together and that helps. I found out that I have a fatty liver so I have been having a problem losing weight. I just don't have the energy. Reg and I are in a good space and our friendship is back on track. My bestfriend Ronnie is getting married in 19 days. My son is graduating next month and I start my last two classes on 5/22. I got hit by a 18 wheeler and total my Land Rover and now I have a nice shiny black BMW X5.with a carnote. I will update you more later but for now I have to go do some work!!!

PS. Don't know where I stand on the Love and Relationship thing for now but I guess one day I will know.

Christmas Detroit 2016

The kids came to Detroit and I was so excited. We laughed, played games, watched tv and binge watch tv. This might be our last Christmas Day in Detroit and we did have a white Christmas. We started a family tradition that I love. Christmas breakfast, opening gifts on Christmas Eve at midnight and watching This Christmas. We hungout with the family and it was one of the best Christmas we have had in years.