After 15 years , My feelings only grew stronger!

 So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog.  Our project with NBCU ended when Covid arrived and I went to a very boring project. The hardest part of my summer was my sister dying. In June, my sister was at my house and she was not feeling good. She was preparing me for her dying and I was not ready. In July , I found out was dying of cancer. By August , my sister was gone and I was all alone. I then found out that I had cancer and it was hard for me. I wanted to keep it to myself and not share it with anyone but I felt that it was not the best thing for me do. I only shared it with kids, my family and close friends. I was scared and I did not know what to do but I just knew I had to fight and not give up. I fought the doctor that wanted to do nothing and found a doctor that would do something. In November, I got cryoablation and they removed it from my right kidney. 

So 2020 was hard for me, I was not able to see Reg as much because of the lock down but I learned so much about myself. I questioned my feelings so much and I wonder if there was no physical it my feelings would change. I found out that what was there was more than just the physical. The friendship we built the first 5 years appeared and I didn't change. My feelings didn't change. I actually realized that I loved him more not being physical. He show up for me like he has everyday since 2006. Many people don't understand us but we understand us. We understand what are priorities are and we also understand the goals we have set for ourselves. I can not lie, my days get lonely not being close to him but all I have to do is text him. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing and he will always answer me and that is better than him physically being there.. I get ask often if I would prefer being with someone that could be physically there but my answer is right now . When would I have time to give them if they were physically close to me. Honestly , I don't want anyone else in my life. After almost 15 years of him being in my life, I am still excited to see him and talk to him. I still miss him when I don't see him and I still feel he is so sexy even at 50. He is kind, smart, caring, loving, respectful, proud and determined. He is polite with morals and decency. He makes me feel safe when I am scare. He knows how to calm me down when I feel my world is falling apart. He encourages me when I have doubts and he doesn't sugar coat things just to make me feel better. He is a straight shooter with me and I can not ask for more. My life is not normal and he understands that because his life is not normal either. I sometimes work 7 days a week 17 hours a day. He also works long hours and then come home to be a loving father to a teenager. It is our life but we understand each other. He is my friend, my heart, the love of my life and I would not trade him for the whole. I don't know where the future will take us but right now I enjoy everyday that we have together. He allows me to just be me and when he is around , I can be vulnerable , soft and submissive. I don't have to be in control for a change. I don't have to always have the answers and I don't have to solve everyone's problems. I don't even have to talk if I don't want to talk. I love this man to death through all of our ups and downs, disagreements and agreements, while I was sick and even more when I am feeling well. He shows up for me and I appreciate him more than he will ever know.

Another Year as Past By

2018 was a long year for me. My career is on a new level and so is my life. My daughter moved here with me and is also working with me. I got to cross some things off my list. I got to swim with the Dolphins.

TJ found the love of his life in 2018. Her name is Brooke and I really like her a lot.

I got to experience Florida twice in one year. Orlando is where we left to go to the Bahamas and for Christmas we went to Cape Coral, Florida . I learned how to balance work and going home to Detroit 

to visit the other part of my top 3. I 

hired my dream team and it is very exciting. Oh I am got my wheels jack on my rental in Detroit. Never been bricked before.

Another Ending

I have experienced many endings in my life and like all endings you try to prepare for them. Yesterday I had another ending after 9 years and it feels like the ending of July 2004. It was not as bad as the ending in 2009 but I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel hurt like that again. In 2015, I finally let someone new into my life and realized the things I was missing in my life. I had learn to put distance between me and the person I was involved with since the bad relationship that ended in 2005. Everything since then has been on my terms. I avoided spending too much time with anyone.

There was one that brought down my walls but he could never make it to the other side of road of being in a publicly commited relationship.We shared many things couple shared and the chemistry between us was amazing but I wanted it all and if he did he could never admit it.

For me to move forward in my life, I have to let go completely.  I learned alot in 2015 about myself and what I want and expect. I have to stop holding on to someone that is not holding on to me. I have to look out for myself and stop holding on to ppl not looking out for me. I don't think I will ever stop loving him but I will just take the memories smile and give the new opportunities a chance. I was always told a man knows what he wants and it doesn't take years for him to know.

2016 is about a mutual loving relationship that ends at the alter. It is time for me to have it all.

Unspoken Words

There are so many things that I feel in my heart and think in my head but I can not form the words to come out my mouth. If I could only scream to the top of my lungs until I cant scream anymore. Many people just want to cry but I don't. I smile when I think about what makes me happy. I smile all the time because what is in my head is worth smiling about. I went through a time in my life that I cried a lot and I went through a time that I believed there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I stayed in prayer when I wanted to give up and God answered my prayers and told me to be patient. When my friends thought I should walk away and put my back against the wall. I listened to my heart and just learned to let go and Let God. Everything doesnt happen over night and I just have remind myself some words just have to be unspoken. ..#SOOC

Everything New in Detroit!

Living In Detroit

Moving to Detroit has been quite an experience for me. This is the first time since 1996 that I have ever lived this close to so much family. I lived near family when I lived in Los Angeles and that was cool. I put my trust in God on this move and it has not been easy but he has always brought me through. I have meet some great people since I moved here in the Entertainment Industry. I meet a great business partner Anthony E Thompson II. He came in to help me with Branding my company and we have become great friends as well. He assisted me in creating my management company and I also setup my radio station. Everything that I do does not replace the emptiness of my kids not being with me on the daily basis but I try to stay busy. I love my careers. Yes, I said careers because I have two of them. In the day , I am Bonita the Lan Administrator for a large energy company and by night I am Adorable P, CEO of Sniper Squad DJs, CEO of Sniper Squad Management and Program Director of Sniper Squad Radio. This two careers I do for the love and passion. I can actually say that I love my jobs and the work I do. I love meeting new people and both careers give me that option.

My goals for this year I have reached 96% of them and it is time to set the bar for next year. I now manage Komatoze, Rev City, Frank Fisher, Greg Davis , Tony Frost and DJ Eclipse. I am looking to sign two girl groups, a production team, a female hip hop artist and a producer before the end of the year. I try to make my decisions based on what I can do for them and not what they can do for me.

Well this is "B Serious", Love , Life and Relationships! The love thing for me ...I will discuss later..

I will update you next week on the new developments in my life and business! Have a great day

B Serious Love, Life and Relationships is Back with a New Co-Host Dub-X Tha General

After two years of I decided that it was time to bring back my talk show. I have experienced a lot in two years from love, death, conflict and just experiencing life! Check out the new show every week on Blogtalkradio.com/adorablep

Listen to internet radio with Adorable P on Blog Talk Radio

When do I get Love right?

I have been told that I play the victim and sometimes that makes me wonder; do I? All my life I have tried to figure out this love thing. I have read and research from many sources what love is and how it is suppose to work. I read self-help books, the bible, advice columns and for some reason what I think and what I do never seem to add up. I pray to God daily to show me what love is and how to handle my situation. I asked God to send me my soulmate and take everyone else out my life that is not for me. I keep getting the same answer and everyone else comes and goes and the one I am in love with remains. I have given love to men that don't deserve my love. For a long time I had love and sex confused and for one I did not connect them. I connected sex with hurt and pain and not love. When I finally dealt with being molested and I got counseling for that I started to understand my feelings and thoughts towards sex.

I guess this is where I feel like the victim but I am tired of people coming into my life that claim they love me only to end up hurting me. I remember a play by Deron Cloud called the "Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang" and he talked about the woman like me that has been hurt so many times that by the time "The one" comes she has nothing else to give. Like the coke bottle being shaking up and open and the fizz comes out the top of the bottle. This can only happen so many things before there is not more fizz that will come to the top. I have ran from love for a long time because I am always trying to protect myself from getting hurt. In the process of running and putting up walls and trying to protect myself, I have hurt the one man I really love and everyday I go through trying to figure out how to fix it. I feel if I leave myself open and I am putting myself in the same space I did to get hurt.

I guess my expectations of love is that love conquers all things. I thought if love is the foundation of the relationship that you can get thru all the ups and downs that happen in relationships. I am not perfect and I make mistakes and most of my mistakes are made because of my reactions to situations in my life.
When you make a mistake with God you ask for forgiveness and God forgives you and you have a clear slate. I don't understand why isn't it the same in relationships? I guess my real questions is if you love someone but you break up and you believe that person is not coming back and you try to move on but your choice of people to move on with are bad choices; does this mean you didn't love the person you where with and how can you fix the problem? I am so confused and when I say I am sorry and try to explain my thought process when I did it I only make it worst. God I really need your help and guidance because I don't know how to fix it or which way to go right now. All I know is I love him, I have always loved him, I don't want to live my life without him but how do I ease his pain and his hurt?

This love thing is not easy and I want to learn to fix it and stop running away from it when it gets hard. I understand that love is give and take. I was hurt and I feel I worked thru my hurt and I realized that I loved him enough to let the pain go so we can move forward with our life. I know we would have never made it this far if it wasn't love between the two of us. Maybe only God can help us fix this or maybe we need counseling. I don't know the answer to the how to fix it but I do not the answer to the question am I in love with him? The answer to that is yes. I am very much in love with my baby and I dedicated to making this work this time.

I can openly admit it!

It has taken me a long time to get back to this point in my life and relationship but I can honestly say that I thought I would never get back to this point. Things are not perfect and there is still a lot of things that we have to work thru but me trusting him with my love and heart is a big step for me. I put a wall up and I was determined not to let anyone back over that wall especially him but time does heal and help. I can only take it one day at a time and maybe we will be where we both need to be to make this work the right way this time. My baby is my heart and I do love him so much. I believe that it is a such thing as a soulmate and I believe he is mine. He is my bestfriend,my lover and therapist and more lol.

Doin Me and It feels Good

It's been a minute since I took the time to blog but this morning I woke up with it on my mind. I took some time to do some soul searching and make some decisions about my life. I was listening to everyone's else feelings about my situation and my heart was not agreeing with any of them. I realized that the man that I am in love with does love me just as much as I love him. I enjoy every conversation we have because right now it is not possible for us to be in the same place. I tried many times to walk away and start a life without him but I am sorry it is no life without him. I have learned that real love is different from just saying you love someone. Life has it's ups and downs and people that are in love with you will ride that rollercoaster with you. I know that situations in our life today does not allow us to be a couple but I know this is not forever. I had a friend that ask me why was I looking for something I already have in my life. That was a good question because I was looking for someone to love me but a new person was never going to work because I was not ever going to be able to love them back. I even tried the friends with benefits but that only was for the sexual side of me and that was not enough. I tried a new relationship but that did not last a month.

I can honestly say today I am good. I talk to my baby daily and we go thru life together. I can't fix everything and I am realizing it is not my job to make his life better but just to be there for him while he works on his own life. My heart does not hurt anymore now that I have made the right decision for me. We can be friends because the love is what keeps us together. When the time is right for us to be a couple again it will happen but for now we enjoy what we have 1700 miles apart.

The Soft Side of Me

I was on my way home listening to my favorite station Heart & Soul when they begin to play songs that hit me so hard. Each song was a song that made me think about men in my past and I begin to cry. I had flash backs of the good times that I had experience with them and why I had fallen in love with them. I realized that people around me were the cause of me shouting down my memories. I thought about the most important thing they taught me and that was that love was not about material possessions or how much money they made in their careers. After 15 years of marriage to a man that I knew love me but did not know how to reach me for me to be the woman I knew I could be. Don't get me wrong, getting married saved my life and allowed me to raise my kids with a mother and father under one roof something that alot of kids never experience. They never experienced seeing us fight but always believed that we were one big happy family. The problem was that I was losing myself and I was not happy with my relationship. I loved my husband but I was not in love with my husband. The next three men in my life after my marriage actually taught me who I was and allowed me to grow personally,emotionally and mentally. I learned how to open up and allow someone to really get to know me. They took the time to learn me in ways my husband never did in my marriage. They could look at my facial expressions and know what I was thinking. When I didn't want to talk they learn how to make me talk about what I was feeling inside. I learned to love each one of them for them and not for what they could buy me, where they could take me or what they could do for me. All they had was love to give me and I feel I taught each one what real love was all about. I hate the fact that each one had a secret life that killed our relationship and some of the secrets were worst than others. Each relationship hurt a little more than the other when it ended and because of some of the circumstances I had to completely cut one of them out of my life. The other two are still friends of mine because honestly just like the secrets in their lives that came between us they also understand me because of the true things they know and understand about things in my past. I still think about the silly moments, the deep talks, the quiet time, the walks by the ocean, the nights that we cuddled on the couch, the time we spent with the kids, the great sex that we shared. I have learned alot about life but it also hurts that family and friends make it to a point that men in your past have to become unspoken of because they will criticize you and look at you crazy for saying that you miss them or the things you did together. I will admit I cry because I feel I have to hold so many things inside and I can not talk to anyone about them. I hate that I feel I will never love anyone else in my lifetime like I experienced in those three relationships. I learned what real heartbreak was like , when you feel your heart rip into two pieces and all you can do is cry alone and the only person that can help you heal is the person that hurt you. No one will ever understand. I will never be able to open my heart and life to anyone else the way I did with them. I have tried to find someone that was the three of them in one person and I just do not believe that man exist. The sad part to me is that out of the three only one of them my family would accept back into my life with cutting me off. One cross the line of no return and I could never take him back into my life but I can hold on the the memories of the good times. The last one is the one I cry the most over and just try to understand and accept the present life we have today.

Changes in My Life

It's been a minute since I blogged but alot has happened since the last time. I have lost some people I felt were important in my life but I believe the saying that some people come into your life for a reason and some for a season. I have started a healthy beverage company and I am excited about it because I can help other people. I have also started managing my lil cousin with his music career. I have included some people from my past back into my life for different reasons. My boyfriend did come visit me for two weeks and I realize that I was right that it was not something that would work and it was a mistake to try it. A lot of things have happen since he went back home and I am trying to make major decisions in my life. I have always loved my kids but I think I love them more everyday. I am so proud of them and I continue to just try to teach them to be better people. My everyday thought now is "If I change my thoughts I can change my life". My Mom has been gone since 5 months now and everyday something happens that I want to pick up the phone and tell her and I can't. I know that my brothers and sisters not being in my life was not a option so I decided to fix my relationships. I am happy that I have all of them in my life now. I have a full life now with the people in my life. Sometimes I believe things that appear too good to be true sometimes are too good to be true. I have started my relationship articles back in DBICMag.com and I am bringing back B Serious my relationship talkshow. I am also getting more involved with the parents from T.J's school. Failure is not a option for me

How Do I Heal?

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. I have some deep conversations with two of my closest friends on a daily basis. It feels good that I can actually talk to them about things going on in my life. I can speak truthfully about how I feel about things in my life now and in my past. It is funny to me when the people in my life that have done things to me that have affected my life in a major way feel that I should not talk about it to other people. They feel their actions should just disappear because it is in the past and they don't want others to know what they did to me. This helps them I guess but it does not help me to heal on the inside. In order for me to heal and move on with my life I have to be able to talk about it and deal with it. I guess they feel I should invest in professional counseling because they have taken a oath not to repeat anything that is said in a session. For people to understand me , they have to understand what I have been thru in my life. My life is far from a fairytale and without God being apart of my life I probably would be died now.

I have to deal with being molested, abused, rape, cheating, betrayal, being used and all by people who were suppose to love me. This is the hardest thing to deal with now. I feel my definition of love and their definition of love most be so different. It is funny one of the people in my life that did alot of damage to my life use to say to me all the time "You could never hurt someone you love". I questioned her love from my birth to her death. When I love someone I give my all to them and I give them all my trust but the people that have told me they love me seem to be able to lie and hurt me without a problem. So why do I have a problem with people that say they love me? It is crazy to me that the people that have damage my life are going on with their lives and what they did to me is not affecting them at all. Sometimes I wonder "Do they even feel bad or have any emotions concerning what they did? I feel they are more concerned about me not telling anyone what they did so people will not have a bad opinion of them. I really do not care what people feel about them and what they did to me. I am more concern with my healing and the people in my life understanding why I do the things I do. Why I make the decisions I make to do the things I do. Why I have a brick wall up and select who I let over my wall. If I never tell anyone about the things that happen to me and they only have what they were told or what they saw then they will not have the true picture of who I am. You have to read my whole book to know me. You can look at the nice cover and skip chapters of my book and read the last chapter and know who I am. Maybe they need to deal with the things they have done in their lives and stop trying to hide it from the ppl in their lives because I am working on me. I know for me to work on me and for me to heal on the inside I have to talk about the things that happen in my past so I can go on with my life and have a healthy future without the pain of my past.

You Complete Me