After 15 years , My feelings only grew stronger!

 So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog.  Our project with NBCU ended when Covid arrived and I went to a very boring project. The hardest part of my summer was my sister dying. In June, my sister was at my house and she was not feeling good. She was preparing me for her dying and I was not ready. In July , I found out was dying of cancer. By August , my sister was gone and I was all alone. I then found out that I had cancer and it was hard for me. I wanted to keep it to myself and not share it with anyone but I felt that it was not the best thing for me do. I only shared it with kids, my family and close friends. I was scared and I did not know what to do but I just knew I had to fight and not give up. I fought the doctor that wanted to do nothing and found a doctor that would do something. In November, I got cryoablation and they removed it from my right kidney. 

So 2020 was hard for me, I was not able to see Reg as much because of the lock down but I learned so much about myself. I questioned my feelings so much and I wonder if there was no physical it my feelings would change. I found out that what was there was more than just the physical. The friendship we built the first 5 years appeared and I didn't change. My feelings didn't change. I actually realized that I loved him more not being physical. He show up for me like he has everyday since 2006. Many people don't understand us but we understand us. We understand what are priorities are and we also understand the goals we have set for ourselves. I can not lie, my days get lonely not being close to him but all I have to do is text him. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing and he will always answer me and that is better than him physically being there.. I get ask often if I would prefer being with someone that could be physically there but my answer is right now . When would I have time to give them if they were physically close to me. Honestly , I don't want anyone else in my life. After almost 15 years of him being in my life, I am still excited to see him and talk to him. I still miss him when I don't see him and I still feel he is so sexy even at 50. He is kind, smart, caring, loving, respectful, proud and determined. He is polite with morals and decency. He makes me feel safe when I am scare. He knows how to calm me down when I feel my world is falling apart. He encourages me when I have doubts and he doesn't sugar coat things just to make me feel better. He is a straight shooter with me and I can not ask for more. My life is not normal and he understands that because his life is not normal either. I sometimes work 7 days a week 17 hours a day. He also works long hours and then come home to be a loving father to a teenager. It is our life but we understand each other. He is my friend, my heart, the love of my life and I would not trade him for the whole. I don't know where the future will take us but right now I enjoy everyday that we have together. He allows me to just be me and when he is around , I can be vulnerable , soft and submissive. I don't have to be in control for a change. I don't have to always have the answers and I don't have to solve everyone's problems. I don't even have to talk if I don't want to talk. I love this man to death through all of our ups and downs, disagreements and agreements, while I was sick and even more when I am feeling well. He shows up for me and I appreciate him more than he will ever know.

Another Year as Past By

2018 was a long year for me. My career is on a new level and so is my life. My daughter moved here with me and is also working with me. I got to cross some things off my list. I got to swim with the Dolphins.

TJ found the love of his life in 2018. Her name is Brooke and I really like her a lot.

I got to experience Florida twice in one year. Orlando is where we left to go to the Bahamas and for Christmas we went to Cape Coral, Florida . I learned how to balance work and going home to Detroit 

to visit the other part of my top 3. I 

hired my dream team and it is very exciting. Oh I am got my wheels jack on my rental in Detroit. Never been bricked before.

"You can't Run From Love"

Since 2008 , I have talk to him almost everyday. When no one else knew where I was and what I was doing , he did. When this friendship started, I use to call him someone that was like a brother to me. We spent all day just talking but it was different.  He was like I am and we are better expressing ourselves writing, so we text more than we talk. We did the text and talk thing for 5 years before we met face to face.

This guy help me through the worst heartbreak I had in my life. If you have read this blog you know the one I am referring to. He picked up the broken me and he put all the pieces back together and help me become whole again. He didn't do it with an agenda to one day be the man in my world.

Being my friend , he had alot of insight into my life, my pain, my past, my baggage. I was truly a Bag lady. But he had baggage too and we both understood that and that made the friendship stronger. He had been hurt and people made him promises and they didn't keep their word to him.

I fell in love with someone that I had never met face to face. I didn't even realize that it had happened until July 2011. I stopped hearing from him for almost a week. I panic and started checking news sites, police reports, and hospitals because there was no sign on him. He wasn't responding to my messages, he wasn't posting on social media, so I started reaching out to people we talked about to see if they had physically saw him or talked to him because he was 1600 miles away from me. He finally contacted me to let me know he was ok. He was just going through something and needed some space to himself.

It was that July 2011, that I realized how I felt about him. I did meet him August 2011. The friendship that I hide behind was in my world. The feelings I never expressed I had show up front and center the first time he hug me. We both realized that we had built more than a friendship.

Because of our past pain and baggage we have spent since 2011, running to and from each other. We can't seem to let go and trust our hearts with each other. We can't seem to commit to a relationship with a title for that is what it is. So we keep running and ending up back in the same place.

I have hurt him but he doesn't understand that he has hurt me also. We have been in this so long that I dont know how to live without him. He pushes me away and I try to go but how can I go when he is inside of me. He is apart of me.

He will tell me to go find someone that can give me everything I am looking for and I am dumb enough to try it. I end up only involving others into our life for them to tell me no one can have a heart that belongs to him. I am physically with them and I can learn to love them but I can't give them all of me. Jasmine Sullivan song "I'm in Love with another man" always appears.

He owns my heart, he is in me, apart of me and I can't run from it. I am 10 hours away and a new place, a new apartment, a new job and new people but I miss him. He is in me and I can't run. When I moved to Detroit in 2012, I met this artist that I was working with that had this song. The lyrics of the song says "You can't run from love". This made me show up on his porch June 2012. It continues to make me show .

It is funny all the test on Facebook keeps telling me I am already with my soulmate. I believe he  is the white suit at the end of my isle.

2017 Is a different type of Year!

This year has been very interesting. I got a new job and the stress of the last job is gone. This job gave the title and money I wanted but they screwed up so many other things in the process. I have a new friend in my job and he is alot like Ronnie. Yes , another Taurus. We work well together and that helps. I found out that I have a fatty liver so I have been having a problem losing weight. I just don't have the energy. Reg and I are in a good space and our friendship is back on track. My bestfriend Ronnie is getting married in 19 days. My son is graduating next month and I start my last two classes on 5/22. I got hit by a 18 wheeler and total my Land Rover and now I have a nice shiny black BMW X5.with a carnote. I will update you more later but for now I have to go do some work!!!

PS. Don't know where I stand on the Love and Relationship thing for now but I guess one day I will know.

Graduation ! Macomb Community College Alumni!!

I finally completed my Management Degree from Macomb Community College. I wanted my son and daughter by my side but my daughter was not able to make it but T.J was here. I wanted the person that push me to be my best to be with me but he could not get off work to come either. I celebrated with my co-workers and friends, Michelle, Ronnie, Scott, Rodney, Diana and Randall. T.J spent the whole weekend with me before he went back to Kansas.

I have two classes left to complete my Marketing Degree but I might have to wait to complete it until I can pay for the two classes and my books . I have learned alot from my instructors at Macomb and I want to continue to share my knowledge with others. This was a hard 2 years. I gave up any free time I had and I had to focus on me.

I know that Management is what I want to do and my next step in my career. I am trying to decide where I go from here for me. Do I stay in Michigan? I love everything but the winter here. I love my job and the guys that work for me. They are a great team.

My Graduation Weekend

Catching up with life!

So much as happened since January. I went thru the process for the Bariatic Surgery but the procedure was denied because of my past surgery history. At first I was angry because I really wanted the surgery, but the surgeon was afraid that I would die on the table. It was hard for me to hear him say that but my life is more important. The doctor started me on a insulin pump, because I wanted the Dexcom to monitor my blood sugar. Because I wanted the Dexcom, I tried it. It didn't work for me. The type of insulin the pump uses was Novolog. It was putting Novolog in my body 24 hours a day. I started gaining weight even eating 500 calories  no carbs. This was very frustrating to me. School was difficult, work was stressful but it was my time to graduate. 

I learn some things about myself this semester thanks to a close friend. Love is a hellified thing and it is scary and uncontrollable. I learned that I keep a wall up around myself to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't let people inside because that is just too painful. I have to keep a safe place for myself. People from the outside look in but they see what they feel isn't right with me life but they don't understand why it has to be this way.

Dealing with me isn't easy. I have to feel I have my freedom but I know they are there when I need them. I am a runner and when I get scare that I am getting too close ,  I pull away. I don't understand but I want to fix me. I read everything in path about relationships and I listen to what everyone has to say but they don't understand that he knows me. He has listened to me for 9 years and he has seen me run and he know why I run. 

We live our lives the way we know works for now. I understand him and his situation. I did the same thing when I was raising my son. 

You have to Sacrifice sometimes

Sometimes I have to refocus and realize why I make the choices I make in my personal life. They are just that for me. I was married for 15 years so I know the time and dedication it takes to make a great relationship work. Right now with me trying to complete my degree and get my company stable and master this management position I really dont have the time to focus on a relationship.  Do I miss spending time and hanging out with someone ? Yes I do. Do I miss waking up in the middle of the night and looking next to me and seeing someone next to me? Yes I do. Do I miss laughing and talking to someone who is only interested in making me happy no matter what it takes? Yes I do. Do I miss having someone to come to every night? Yes I do.

Put right now , I have to focus on me. I have to finally finish what I started. I can't be concern about what someone else wants when it comes to my life. I cant be concern if they dont like the decisions I am making to make myself a better person. I work full-time and go to school fulltime and still run my company.
I dont have time to be put in a position to choose between doing my homework and studying or spending time with someone. I can't be out in the street late nights when i only get 4 hours a sleep already. The person that will love me will give me this space and time I need right now to focus on me. They wont interfere in me becoming a better person.

This year is about taking control of my life and completing my goals and dreams so I can be a better me for the husband God has waiting for me.

I made it through my first week of requirements.  I went to my seminar and got my bluebook. Made my appointment for my psychological evaluation, starting my 6 months supervised diet plan, started Get Healthy Challenge with my Co-workers. I have to start making time for exercise.  I started my process weight in at 200 pounds. My goal is 125.
This year is about regaining my life back from the beginning.  Not starting near the end but a true restart. Everything around me has to change. My mental,emotional,physical,financial  and spiritual.  #totaltransformation

#stayingfocus #gethealthy