So much has happened since the last time I wrote a blog. Our project with NBCU ended when Covid arrived and I went to a very boring project. The hardest part of my summer was my sister dying. In June, my sister was at my house and she was not feeling good. She was preparing me for her dying and I was not ready. In July , I found out was dying of cancer. By August , my sister was gone and I was all alone. I then found out that I had cancer and it was hard for me. I wanted to keep it to myself and not share it with anyone but I felt that it was not the best thing for me do. I only shared it with kids, my family and close friends. I was scared and I did not know what to do but I just knew I had to fight and not give up. I fought the doctor that wanted to do nothing and found a doctor that would do something. In November, I got cryoablation and they removed it from my right kidney.
So 2020 was hard for me, I was not able to see Reg as much because of the lock down but I learned so much about myself. I questioned my feelings so much and I wonder if there was no physical it my feelings would change. I found out that what was there was more than just the physical. The friendship we built the first 5 years appeared and I didn't change. My feelings didn't change. I actually realized that I loved him more not being physical. He show up for me like he has everyday since 2006. Many people don't understand us but we understand us. We understand what are priorities are and we also understand the goals we have set for ourselves. I can not lie, my days get lonely not being close to him but all I have to do is text him. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing and he will always answer me and that is better than him physically being there.. I get ask often if I would prefer being with someone that could be physically there but my answer is right now . When would I have time to give them if they were physically close to me. Honestly , I don't want anyone else in my life. After almost 15 years of him being in my life, I am still excited to see him and talk to him. I still miss him when I don't see him and I still feel he is so sexy even at 50. He is kind, smart, caring, loving, respectful, proud and determined. He is polite with morals and decency. He makes me feel safe when I am scare. He knows how to calm me down when I feel my world is falling apart. He encourages me when I have doubts and he doesn't sugar coat things just to make me feel better. He is a straight shooter with me and I can not ask for more. My life is not normal and he understands that because his life is not normal either. I sometimes work 7 days a week 17 hours a day. He also works long hours and then come home to be a loving father to a teenager. It is our life but we understand each other. He is my friend, my heart, the love of my life and I would not trade him for the whole. I don't know where the future will take us but right now I enjoy everyday that we have together. He allows me to just be me and when he is around , I can be vulnerable , soft and submissive. I don't have to be in control for a change. I don't have to always have the answers and I don't have to solve everyone's problems. I don't even have to talk if I don't want to talk. I love this man to death through all of our ups and downs, disagreements and agreements, while I was sick and even more when I am feeling well. He shows up for me and I appreciate him more than he will ever know.
