Catching up with life!

So much as happened since January. I went thru the process for the Bariatic Surgery but the procedure was denied because of my past surgery history. At first I was angry because I really wanted the surgery, but the surgeon was afraid that I would die on the table. It was hard for me to hear him say that but my life is more important. The doctor started me on a insulin pump, because I wanted the Dexcom to monitor my blood sugar. Because I wanted the Dexcom, I tried it. It didn't work for me. The type of insulin the pump uses was Novolog. It was putting Novolog in my body 24 hours a day. I started gaining weight even eating 500 calories  no carbs. This was very frustrating to me. School was difficult, work was stressful but it was my time to graduate. 

I learn some things about myself this semester thanks to a close friend. Love is a hellified thing and it is scary and uncontrollable. I learned that I keep a wall up around myself to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't let people inside because that is just too painful. I have to keep a safe place for myself. People from the outside look in but they see what they feel isn't right with me life but they don't understand why it has to be this way.

Dealing with me isn't easy. I have to feel I have my freedom but I know they are there when I need them. I am a runner and when I get scare that I am getting too close ,  I pull away. I don't understand but I want to fix me. I read everything in path about relationships and I listen to what everyone has to say but they don't understand that he knows me. He has listened to me for 9 years and he has seen me run and he know why I run. 

We live our lives the way we know works for now. I understand him and his situation. I did the same thing when I was raising my son. 

Feeling really good about life

I have been on the HCG since June 23rd. I am down to 184 from 209. My numbers go up and down because of my blood sugar dropping and I have to get carbs to get it back up. I also have another issue that I have to make sure I fix weekly with colon cleansing. I have got into a habit of going to the gym now and when I don't go I feel so tired . I am not going to stop to I get top my goal weight of 150 for now and after I get there I may go for 130. It helps that my daughter is doing it with me and she has 38 pounds.

It is football season again for my son and it is his senior year. I think I am just as excited as he is about it. I have my godson with me also this year so two teenage boys under the roof is not as bad as I thought it would be. My daughter is getting ready for life , moving out and getting married . We watch the wedding shows all the time now.

I am going to Detroit on the 26th for the first time since my grandfather died in 2006. I will get to see Reg T, Eightmile and Dommy Styles and Trey. My family is excited that I am coming and I am happy to go see my aunt for her 75th birthday.

I joined blackpeoplemeet.com and I have met some interesting people. I have not been out on any dates yet because the people I have decided to talk to live out of state. I met one that is standing out among the rest and really keeping my attention. He has a lot of potential and if he plays it right he can defeat all competition. I met one person in town today and that is crazy and I will tell you about that later. I miss my friend but he is focus on studying so he can go back to school and I am happy that is getting back on his feet.

I have a new team lead starting tomorrow and she is a woman. It is not bad that she is a woman but it is bad that she is not technical and have no experience in Desktop support. I will wait to see what happens but I am going to miss Ethan.

Being a Diabetic is not fun!

I have been a diabetic now for 10 years. I am a diabetic because I went on a liquid diet to lose weight and lost it too fast. They were doing a ERCP to make sure they could remove my gallbladder because I had gallstones. A gallstone rip thru my pancreas and they had to remove 95% of my pancreas. I have been on insulin every since. The highs and lows are hard but for me the weight gain is my nightmare.

I have taken myself off of insulin to lose weight and decrease the amount of insulin I am suppose to take to avoid weight gain. People do not understand and doctors really do not understand how it feels. Your blood sugar runs high so they increase the insulin you take but when they do that it increases your weight. You gain weight and now you can not fit into your clothes and you have to spend more money on clothes. You become depressed because of the weight gain and this affects you emotionally and mentally, then they want to put you on prozac. When you have battled with your weight your whole life and being big is not something you are comfortable with then all of these things are not easy.

It is even harder when you are single and a consultant that does not get sick days. I have to come to work no matter how high or how low my blood sugar is because the bills still have to be paid. Insurance is another issue because if you ever lose coverage than you have to go without treatment just so that when you can get insurance it will not be look at as a pre-existing condition. If your blood sugar gets too high your can have a stroke and if it gets too low than you can go into a sugar coma. I take 6 shots a day and I have to test my blood sugar about 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to put me on a insulin pump but that is another issue with me. It is a personal reason but maybe after I am married and my husband understands will I go there.

My fear everyday is not being here to see my kids become parents and get married and have careers because of my diabetes. I am putting everything in order financially for my kids so just in case I do not make it they will not struggle. I also fear not finding real love to enjoy the rest of my life. I often think who will cry with me and be there with me in my final days to enjoy the time I have left.

It is a scary thought but it is the reality of a diabetic.