Catching up with life!

So much as happened since January. I went thru the process for the Bariatic Surgery but the procedure was denied because of my past surgery history. At first I was angry because I really wanted the surgery, but the surgeon was afraid that I would die on the table. It was hard for me to hear him say that but my life is more important. The doctor started me on a insulin pump, because I wanted the Dexcom to monitor my blood sugar. Because I wanted the Dexcom, I tried it. It didn't work for me. The type of insulin the pump uses was Novolog. It was putting Novolog in my body 24 hours a day. I started gaining weight even eating 500 calories  no carbs. This was very frustrating to me. School was difficult, work was stressful but it was my time to graduate. 

I learn some things about myself this semester thanks to a close friend. Love is a hellified thing and it is scary and uncontrollable. I learned that I keep a wall up around myself to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't let people inside because that is just too painful. I have to keep a safe place for myself. People from the outside look in but they see what they feel isn't right with me life but they don't understand why it has to be this way.

Dealing with me isn't easy. I have to feel I have my freedom but I know they are there when I need them. I am a runner and when I get scare that I am getting too close ,  I pull away. I don't understand but I want to fix me. I read everything in path about relationships and I listen to what everyone has to say but they don't understand that he knows me. He has listened to me for 9 years and he has seen me run and he know why I run. 

We live our lives the way we know works for now. I understand him and his situation. I did the same thing when I was raising my son. 

My first seminar for my weightloss surgery

My emotions are all over the place this morning about going and the surgery. I talk to Stacy, Dimples,Margo and Pat because they have done it before and they have been very supportive. It is the three closest to me and my sisters and brothers that don't  feel I need to do this. I am not doing this to get a man or catch a man or because a man told me I needed to do it. I am doing this because I have been fighting this battle since I was a kid and I finally want a solution that will be permanent. I want a real opportunity to fix this problem. The way I view it is I started with a disadvantage and everytime I try to fix it I run into this thing call setpoint that kicks my butt. Every plan, every diet, every workout gets me to 170 to 178 from my highest 280 to my next highest 220 and then everything stops and no matter what I do I will not start the lost over but i get stuck in the 190's. I am only 5'1. I don't want to be 115 pounds but can i get to a healthy body fat of around 25% . Right now 79 pounds of me is fat. Lets make it 80. I want to lost at least 50 pounds. If i can get to 135 or 140 I feel my blood pressure will be normal, my blood sugar would be under better control and just maybe I won't snore anymore. My clothes might fit better and maybe I will add more years to my life. I understand everyone that is around me fears but they dont wake up tired and they dont deal with my high blood pressure or my diabetes.  All they see is the smile I show the world. My health is my priority this year. I even decided to try the insulin pump. I have fought it for 14 years but i am just trying to finally take the time to take care of myself because my whole life I have been taken care of others.

I wanted someone to go with me today but my sister didnt answer her phone yesterday and he would never go with me so I didnt even ask. So I guess it is me and my God today because he is that kind of friend and he never leaves me alone. 

I have to start somewhere to make a change in my situation.  If you keep doing the same things and let fear keep you in jail and you will stay locked up. I see the keys on the table of my cell. I have to see if one of the fit to unlock the door for me.

Pray with me and for me to allow God to lead my decisons on this process. God has never let me down before.