Rehab reality not a joke!

We use to laugh that when we ended I would end up in Rehab. I am not in physical Rehab but mentally and emotionally I am so there. After a long conversation yesterday with a friend that knows both of us, I realized that maybe he is right that we are co-dependent on each other. He was like my prozac he relieved all my pain. We had our problems and issues but he always seem to help me settle down and think my situations out rather it was business or family. He help me thru all the major things in my life since 2007. Even when his life was not on track he could figure out mine. I could talk to him about almost everything. I could be "Just Bo" and laugh and be silly if I wanted to and he never told me to act my age or grow up. When I was focused on business and I was trying to think out my ideas, he help me break them down and made them make sense. Business was the hard part for us because our business methods were so different and business is the part I will not bend on if I feel I am right. For someone that was not physically under my roof , his presence has been here the whole time with me.

Now I am just trying to get pass the hurt, anger and pain to move forward. We talk about this but for some reason me moving on without him in any part of my life has not been easy. I talk to alot of ppl on the daily basis to try to feel the void but it is not the same. I get attention but it is not the same. I remember this song that came out when I lived in Cali called "Tell them what they want to hear". To be honest that is what I feel I do now. There is only one person that I tell my true feelings to and now I fight that feeling also. So now I am left with alot of empty flirting and no real emotions for anyone. I have to focus on my family, business and work to get pass this feeling.

I know there will be another but they will never have my all again. I can't handle the hurt,anger and pain again. I will give a part of me and I will love again but total all in 100% , I got your back love not happening for me. I guess to be totally honest about the situation there will never be another person in my life the way my ex was in my life unless miracles happen and it is my ex back in my life after everything is fixed

Going thru this alone! This is Hard for Me

Yesterday, I found out that a woman that was like my grandmother past away. She was my sister's mother-in-law. My sister got married when I was 5 years old. I was like her shadow.



Grandma Etta lived in Baltimore and we would visit her often. She was a angel and she saved me from a lot of beatings from my brother-in-law because I was bad. I never remember her raising her voice. She was very over-protective even of my brother-in-law and he was grown with kids. I still remember the pictures I took at her house with the ponytails.




I woke up with my sister on my mind yesterday. I called my mom but she was busy and I told her I would call her back. I walked around yesterday morning trying to think of words to write to my sister because I want us to be closer. I want a relationship with her like I have with my baby sister Margo. Margo go thru alot together and she has thought me what having a close sister is like. With Denny being so much older than I am we don't have that relationship. Before I could but words on paper yesterday, my mom called me back to tell me Etta past away in my sister's arms. I could tell in her voice that she was taking it hard. I cried my tears and when I was strong enough I called my sister.



It was tell for me to step up and be the sister she needed for a change. We talked for almost a hour and she told me the story of how it happen. This was the first time in a long time that we did not fight or argue. I just listen to her and tried to comfort her. I even got her to think back on good memories of times she took me to visit Etta. My sister made Etta last days good days and I am happy about that because she had been in Baltimore a long time by herself after Bill died. She had a chance to move to New Mexico with my sister and spend time with my nephew and neice and their kids. She got to see them grown up and with good lives. She worried so much that I know that being there with them she died in peace. Yesterday was hard because I was here alone and my family was away. My kids never got to be around Etta so they did not understand. My friend Peyton understood and he was there for me and I sent the evening talking to my niece and nephew. I am cancelling my business trip to Jersey because I need to be with my family when they take her back to Baltimore. I missed my grandmother Essie funeral, I had just had my son, My grandmother Jessie Mae died when I was fighting for my life in 2000 and My grandmother Mable died two weeks after I came home from Vegas with her at my Uncle's Maurice funeral. I have to say goodbye to Etta.


This is the first time since 2007 that I did not have Tim in my life to help me get thru the pain and hurt. He had been my support system and now that is over. I took my hurt out on him last night and started a fight for no reason. He didn't deserve it and I had to say I was sorry. I was just angry that he could not fix it this time for me.

I know the tears will fall and the hurt will be there for me for awhile. I look forward to seeing my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew and niece in a week or two. My mom is even trying to come to be with us. I just want to be there for my sister. Like she was for me growing up and introducing me to Etta.

Things are changing and I feel it

He use to be my priority in life. Everything in my world would stop for him when he needed me. He was the first voice I wanted to hear in the morning and I had to go to sleep to his voice at night. He was my drug that cured all my pain. If I felt he needed my last dollar I would give it to him and go without as long as I knew he was going to be okay. If I did not hear from him in a few hours after talking to him, I would worry that something had happen to him. At one point, I gave up everything just to be near him and have him in my life. He was my truth and my life. I trusted him, loved him and adored him and the thought of him not being in my life ripped my world apart. It took me alot for me to realize after I found out that everything was a lie that things could not be fixed. I wanted to fix it , I wanted to fix him, I wanted to fix our relationship but how can you fix something that is shattered into so many pieces. I have no trust in him and I can not believe anything that he says anymore. I have cried so much that now when I cry it is because I miss what I had with him. I have the memories and the laughter that we had but memories soon fade away. I have noticed that his life is not my priority anymore. His needs are not my concern anymore. His happiness is not my goal in life anymore. I don't feel his pain anymore and it does not bother me not to talk to him anymore. The one thing that I had not been able to do because of the hold he had on my heart and mind , I was able to do a couple of weeks ago and had no regrets in doing it. It takes awhile to get over someone that you loved so deeply and I have learned that rushing from one relationship to another is not the answer. I was told that the best way to get over one man is under another and that is not true for me. I have to take the time and let that person get out of my system. My two biggest heartbreaks have taken time to work thru but I am okay now. No one understood that I would have given anything to fix it but you can not fix something that does not have a desire to be fixed. I use to think it was me that caused me to keep ending up in the same place but the only responsiblity I can take is loving them too much and trying to show ppl how to give and receive love that have never experienced it.

I feel that God has my mate out there and one day he will find me. I will know that he is the one because he will persistent,bold in his pursuit, and his love will be calming, trusting, honest and real in my life. He will fit in me and my kids life life a missing puzzle piece. It will not hard but easy and relaxing with no drama or stress. He will not try to control me or abuse me.He will not use me to make his life better financially. He will love, respect and cherish me. He will understand that we need to cherish every moment like it is our last. Until then I will enjoy my career and family and give all my time to them. As far as my ex, I care and a part will always love him and not hate him and I remember that part of our relationship that was flawless!

My Baby Sister

I have learn what having a real sister in my life is like with Margo. We are not flesh and blood sisters but she is closer to me then any flesh in blood in my life. I love her unconditionally the way sisters should love each other. I don't judge her for her life but accept her and the scars she got in life. We share each others laughter,tears,joy and disappointments. She never has to ask me for anything because I am apart of her life and I know what she needs. There is nothing I would not do for her to make her smile and to see her happy. We live next door to each other and I can get to her or she can get to me whatever the need is we have for one another. I wish my birth sister could just take a page out of our book to understand what a sister is before she closes her eyes. Everytime I try to reach out to her she becomes the judge and jury in my life that she knows nothing about because she has not communication with me. I don't have to beg or plead for her to be apart of my life because I have Margo and we have each other.

My biggest fear in starting something new

I don"t know how many times in my life that I have back to the same place in life. There is a play called "The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang by Deron Cloud that explains where I am in life right now. I have falling in love so many times and thought it was real just to realize that it wasn"t real. I have experienced real love and been hurt bad but instead of taking the time to get over the hurt and pain , I did what most women do , get with someone else. I have heard the best way to get over one man is to get under another man but that is not true at all. I hate when the good men come in your life after being hurt because they only fight a losing battle. I can not speak for other women but I know I have lost and hurt some good men that came into my life at the wrong time. I have always ran from love in my life to avoid getting hurt but when I stop running and let down my wall and return the love I am given it seems that everytime I end up getting hurt. I don"t want that pain anymore because it hurts too much. It is harder for me because I feel that I can not show my pain because it will make me appear to be weak. You can not be weak raising a teenage son or daughters going into adulthood. You can not be weak when you run your own company and have people that depend on you to come thru for them. You can not be weak when you don"t have anyone in your life to support you mentally and emotionally. I really want to be able to show someone the real me but I can"t now because I have tried that and I got hurt over and over again. I just want the pain to go away, I don"t want to cry anymore. I wanna love again but I don"t know how anymore. I don"t want just a sexual relationship, I don"t want to be someone"s friend with benefits. I don't want a man in my life that can I have to hide and not discuss and make sure that I don"t post our picture or his picture. I don"t want someone"s husband or boyfriend. I want a man that will not try to change me but just allow me to be me. The person that I can not show at this point that has to hide behind my wall.

I had a conversation today with some men friends in my life today and they make finding someone new a easy task but it isn"t. They make fallin out of love sound like quitting a job you hate but it isn"t. I have had two relationships that I had to end in my life that left me really scar bad and when I started my last relationship I felt if I told him what I had been through that for sure he would avoid taking me down the same road. The truth is that he did avoid all of those roads and created a new road of disappointment and hurt of his own. He got past the wall that I had up and made me trust again and fall hard and reveal the me that I had not shown others just to find out that he used all my insecurities to his advantage. We have been apart since the summer but we talk on a daily basis and after it hurts more that I know that we have what it takes to make it work and last but I believe the damage just might be unrepairable. I was told that my mouth was saying that I was ready to move on but my heart and actions tell another story. I am so afraid that I feel the fear is taking over my life and causing me to close the door on some men that have tried to come into my life that only want the best for me. One of my ex's told me that if I stop running that I will see what has been in my life the whole time that I keep turning my back on over and over again. I am confused, hurt, lonely and just afraid of getting hurt again. Maybe it will take someone strong, persistant, loving and patient to move me from this place in life. But when he comes into my life this is my biggest fear. The Jazmine Sullivan song!

Hate feeling this Way

I don't even know where to start because I really believe it is true that my career is always good but my personal life is always a mess. I look around me and I get angry because I feel for the last 20 years of my life that I have lived in a sink or swim situation. I look around me and I see other women have men in their life that are there for them and will do anything for them. My ex-husband did love me and if I would have not walked out the door we would be celebrating our 18 wedding anniversary next month. I don't regret leaving because I lost myself in that relationship. It became more about staying to prove everyone wrong and to show his family that he could be successful. I became so unhappy that I let myself go and I got up to 280 pounds. I left and I made some bad decisions in my next relationship but he gave me things in that relationship that I wanted in my 15 years of marriage. I ended that relationship also because it was toxic for me also and it took me two years before I was ready to really give my heart whole-heartly to someone else. This time I gave more of myself then ever and I truly believe that love could fix everytime no matter what it was. I know now that it can"t and that hurts more. I am 1700 miles away from someone I love so much but because of his situation in his life love will not fix it. People look at me and don't understand why I can not just go on with life with someone new. I can not be with someone else when I know I am still in love with my ex. I feel that it would not be fair to play the role with someone new. I think about the Jaz Sullivain song and I don't want that to be me. I don't want the situation that my body is here with but my mind is on the other side of town or in my case another state. I am tried of crying, I am tired of being lonely. I just want to be loved by someone that I am in love with and not have someone loving me that I am not in love with again in my life. This is why I push men away that are probably very good for me because I can't give them my all. I just can not give a man my body when my heart is just not in it. I just want to be able to move on in life and be happy.

I have not been homesick in a long time. I actually miss my mom and want to go home to see her. I have not seen her since February. I thought I would be able to go for Thanksgiving but it is not going to happen. I was sitting in Church on Sunday and the organist starting playing and I closed my eyes and I was back at home as a little girl sitting in church listening to Eddie Bilberry and Rev. Billups singing. A few minutes later the choir song the song that I lead many Sunday's in my life. Singing was something that I miss in my life but it is also the reason I do what i do today. I wish I had someone in my life then that I have been able to become to so many now.

Changes in my life

Next month I will be 42 years old. I can say that I have grown a lot this year mentally and emotionally. I have questioned love on more than one occasion. The funny thing is that real love is hard to shake and walk away from sometimes. I had a year to myself even though I was in a relationship. I realized what I need and want from someone in my life. I realized that I can not accept less because if I do I will keep getting less.

People ask the question , how can you be lonely when you talk to people around the world on a daily basis and you have your kids and everyone Else's kids with you. This is the hard and difficult part of life for me. I have men in my life that do love me unconditionally from my past that for one reason or another our relationship ended but we remain friends but this is not good enough for me. This may sound bad for women who have never experience love from someone else before but I want more in my life. I can not and will not commit to anyone else if everything in me does not tell me it is right. I did that and it did not work out for me. I guess when I feel it is right and all the pieces fall into place then I will open up and take the next step. I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man in life but I do believe in soul mates. I want to be loved but I want to be able to give him love back the way he loves me. I want him to put me and my happiness first. I want him to be honest, trustworthy and loyal to me. I do not want another liar or cheater in my life. I don't want another man in my life that I have to take care of or puts me in the position to run our household because he does not know how to be a real man. I want to be able to trust the fact that will be a leader and I can trust his judgement about things in our life. I want to know that he will love my kids like his own. I want know if I get sick he will stay by my side and not be afraid or run away. I want a companion, a friend, lover, and a soul mate to spend the rest of my life with because tomorrow is not promise. I feel that God has been working in my life to prepare me for the man he will send me.

I still believe in fairy tales and that is a Prince Charming for every woman. I know everyone only knows the business woman side of me but there is a soft side of me that plays the role of Mom for my kids and that can be the loving wife or girlfriend for the right man. I have given my all in my last three relationships and they all ended on a bad note. My marriage of 15 years , he will not hold a conversation with me and one of the others cross the line so bad I never want to talk or see him again. The last one has been hard because of the lies and betrayal but I have not given up on love.

Adorable P