The End

Yesterday was officially the end of a long chapter in my life that started October 2007. It was a part of my life that I will never forget. I learned a lot of life lessons, and a lot about myself. He help me thru a lot of major issues in my life. The crazy thing is that he was stronger for me then he was for myself. I don't hate him and I wish him the best in the future. We tried the breaking up and staying friends but that is hard when you don't have a understanding of real friendship.

After a long conversation yesterday with my close friends , I was able to finally let go and walk away forever. Both have been saying the same things to me but one was just harder than the other. The funny thing is we have been here before and there was always this 72 hour thing with us. One of us always gave in and contacted the other within 72 hours. This time I am ready and I feel it within myself. Today I feel like I did the day after I walked out of Nick's apartment after being married after 14 years, November 5th when I ask Jamel to leave after living together for 1 year and a half, this has been two years and nine months of my life. I did not look back on either of the other long term relationships in my life and I will not look back this time. I am not bitter or angry but just relieved. This time it is mutual and no talk of get back or revenge. I can only control my life and that is with the help of God. I believe that God is preparing me for my husband not someone else's husband or boyfriend. God is preparing my husband for me and when it is the right time in my life God will present him to me and he will be everything I need. Me and my ex did create something that means a lot to me , my company. That is our baby and I will treat it just like my other two kids that I birth. I have been here before and each time it took me a little longer to let go but in the end I did. I experience a lot of first with my last ex that I will not forget! lol..I experience things that I never thought I could feel but in a good way. No more tears but if you see me and I have a smile on my face I probably had a flash back that caused it. He is someone I will always love and remember.

Monica Still Standing

Spoken

Mama always told me

Baby you gotta walk by faith

And not by sight

Real talk

You gotta listen

Oh, oh, oh, ohohoh

Ooh, yeah

Verse 1

Oh, listen to me now

I'm gonna say it loud

So you won't be confused

'Bout what we talkin' 'bout

I been through the storm

Had dirt on my name

I'm still holding on

Champion of the game (they said)

Whatever don't kill you make you stronger

Well, I must be the world's strongest woman

See I done done a whole lotta growin'

Everything you say

I'm already knowin'

Cause I...

Chorus

I been up against ropes

Everything you're going through

I been there before

Seen them all come

And I seen them all go

You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor

Never

And I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

Verse 2

I had a lover take his own in front of me

I asked God why is this happening to me

But I didn't fold,

I held my own

And now I'm deep in love with who I belong(This is my life)

They say with age comes wisdom

And the white flag, I can't give 'em

Tryin' to tell you how it's s'posed to be

See, this is more than just a song to me

Cause I...

How Do I Heal?

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. I have some deep conversations with two of my closest friends on a daily basis. It feels good that I can actually talk to them about things going on in my life. I can speak truthfully about how I feel about things in my life now and in my past. It is funny to me when the people in my life that have done things to me that have affected my life in a major way feel that I should not talk about it to other people. They feel their actions should just disappear because it is in the past and they don't want others to know what they did to me. This helps them I guess but it does not help me to heal on the inside. In order for me to heal and move on with my life I have to be able to talk about it and deal with it. I guess they feel I should invest in professional counseling because they have taken a oath not to repeat anything that is said in a session. For people to understand me , they have to understand what I have been thru in my life. My life is far from a fairytale and without God being apart of my life I probably would be died now.

I have to deal with being molested, abused, rape, cheating, betrayal, being used and all by people who were suppose to love me. This is the hardest thing to deal with now. I feel my definition of love and their definition of love most be so different. It is funny one of the people in my life that did alot of damage to my life use to say to me all the time "You could never hurt someone you love". I questioned her love from my birth to her death. When I love someone I give my all to them and I give them all my trust but the people that have told me they love me seem to be able to lie and hurt me without a problem. So why do I have a problem with people that say they love me? It is crazy to me that the people that have damage my life are going on with their lives and what they did to me is not affecting them at all. Sometimes I wonder "Do they even feel bad or have any emotions concerning what they did? I feel they are more concerned about me not telling anyone what they did so people will not have a bad opinion of them. I really do not care what people feel about them and what they did to me. I am more concern with my healing and the people in my life understanding why I do the things I do. Why I make the decisions I make to do the things I do. Why I have a brick wall up and select who I let over my wall. If I never tell anyone about the things that happen to me and they only have what they were told or what they saw then they will not have the true picture of who I am. You have to read my whole book to know me. You can look at the nice cover and skip chapters of my book and read the last chapter and know who I am. Maybe they need to deal with the things they have done in their lives and stop trying to hide it from the ppl in their lives because I am working on me. I know for me to work on me and for me to heal on the inside I have to talk about the things that happen in my past so I can go on with my life and have a healthy future without the pain of my past.

The Fight with Weight Gain

My fight with my weight gain is back on and this time I want to fight back the right way. Normally when the doctors increase my insulin to control my blood sugars and I see myself gaining weight, I decrease my insulin. I don't like when I wake up in the morning and I can not fit the clothes I could wear just last week. I don't like when I take a picture like this and I see the weight gain in my face. I want to find a gym to join so I can start working out again. I find that Houston is not good for me and my weight because I am very inactive here. Everytime I have lived in California I have managed my weight because I stay active because the weather is good and I don't like staying in the house. I was able to do it in New Jersey/New York because I walked everywhere and there was always something to do. The weather in up north was bad in the weather but the spring and summer was nice. In Houston , all you want to do is stay in the air condition somewhere because it is too hot to be outside. I hate the rain and it rains alot here. I have to come to a happy medium since I am here for at least two more years. I will start looking for a gym this weekend. I am looking at 24 hour fitness and LA fitness. I tried Bally's and everytime I have tried to schedule before time they always screw me up. I just to go to the YMCA downtown when I lived here before but I don't work downtown anymore. I want something that I have to pass by everyday going home and that is not too far when I am home and want to go. I want to get back to 140 or 150 because now I feel I am over 200 and I don't like the feeling. I have to break this thing I have of not wanting to do things alone because I have been waiting on other ppl to have free time or want to do things but everyone has there own life. I will pray on this because this is something I have to do for myself.

I talked to my sister the other day but I have not talk to my brother at home. He is never there when I call but my sister said he is doing okay. I need to call my big brother to check on him today. Well it is time for me to get to work and make some money.

Don't like the fat feeling...I have to change this quickly without going against the doctor. I wish I could quality for the lapband procedure. I am going to go to a seminar to see what they can do with my insurance.

Being a Diabetic is not fun!

I have been a diabetic now for 10 years. I am a diabetic because I went on a liquid diet to lose weight and lost it too fast. They were doing a ERCP to make sure they could remove my gallbladder because I had gallstones. A gallstone rip thru my pancreas and they had to remove 95% of my pancreas. I have been on insulin every since. The highs and lows are hard but for me the weight gain is my nightmare.

I have taken myself off of insulin to lose weight and decrease the amount of insulin I am suppose to take to avoid weight gain. People do not understand and doctors really do not understand how it feels. Your blood sugar runs high so they increase the insulin you take but when they do that it increases your weight. You gain weight and now you can not fit into your clothes and you have to spend more money on clothes. You become depressed because of the weight gain and this affects you emotionally and mentally, then they want to put you on prozac. When you have battled with your weight your whole life and being big is not something you are comfortable with then all of these things are not easy.

It is even harder when you are single and a consultant that does not get sick days. I have to come to work no matter how high or how low my blood sugar is because the bills still have to be paid. Insurance is another issue because if you ever lose coverage than you have to go without treatment just so that when you can get insurance it will not be look at as a pre-existing condition. If your blood sugar gets too high your can have a stroke and if it gets too low than you can go into a sugar coma. I take 6 shots a day and I have to test my blood sugar about 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to put me on a insulin pump but that is another issue with me. It is a personal reason but maybe after I am married and my husband understands will I go there.

My fear everyday is not being here to see my kids become parents and get married and have careers because of my diabetes. I am putting everything in order financially for my kids so just in case I do not make it they will not struggle. I also fear not finding real love to enjoy the rest of my life. I often think who will cry with me and be there with me in my final days to enjoy the time I have left.

It is a scary thought but it is the reality of a diabetic.