My last round of HCG Round 4 phase 2

THIS WAS A UNPUBLISHED POST FROM OCT 2014

It has been a long 31 days but I have learn alot about eating and stalls. My blood sugars and blood pressure improved alot. I am looking forward to phase 3. I am in a good state of mind and getting healthy is my goal this year. I started my year with some high goals I set for myself. I am on target with all of them. I had some setbacks and disappointments since I moved to Michigan. After 2 years I am finally stable. This was a hard relocation compared to the rest.  I truly believe that when ppl do not try to hold me back and when ppl allow me to just be me that is when I soar like the Eagle that God made me. If I am giving the opportunity I will never let you down . If it something in my life that I want bad enough then I will stand and fight for it. If it doesn't mean anything to me I will walk away and never look back. I am the type of person that is hard to get close to but if I let you in and I fall in love with you . I love hard and I will try to show and teach you how to love me. But like Lyfe Jennings says you have to treat me like college. You have to learn me to understand me. I don't trust everyone but the ones I do trust I will give my last dime to and do everything in my reach and ability to make them happy.

This is just me and my life. One day the man that I love with all my heart will believe me and embrace it.

My first seminar for my weightloss surgery

My emotions are all over the place this morning about going and the surgery. I talk to Stacy, Dimples,Margo and Pat because they have done it before and they have been very supportive. It is the three closest to me and my sisters and brothers that don't  feel I need to do this. I am not doing this to get a man or catch a man or because a man told me I needed to do it. I am doing this because I have been fighting this battle since I was a kid and I finally want a solution that will be permanent. I want a real opportunity to fix this problem. The way I view it is I started with a disadvantage and everytime I try to fix it I run into this thing call setpoint that kicks my butt. Every plan, every diet, every workout gets me to 170 to 178 from my highest 280 to my next highest 220 and then everything stops and no matter what I do I will not start the lost over but i get stuck in the 190's. I am only 5'1. I don't want to be 115 pounds but can i get to a healthy body fat of around 25% . Right now 79 pounds of me is fat. Lets make it 80. I want to lost at least 50 pounds. If i can get to 135 or 140 I feel my blood pressure will be normal, my blood sugar would be under better control and just maybe I won't snore anymore. My clothes might fit better and maybe I will add more years to my life. I understand everyone that is around me fears but they dont wake up tired and they dont deal with my high blood pressure or my diabetes.  All they see is the smile I show the world. My health is my priority this year. I even decided to try the insulin pump. I have fought it for 14 years but i am just trying to finally take the time to take care of myself because my whole life I have been taken care of others.

I wanted someone to go with me today but my sister didnt answer her phone yesterday and he would never go with me so I didnt even ask. So I guess it is me and my God today because he is that kind of friend and he never leaves me alone. 

I have to start somewhere to make a change in my situation.  If you keep doing the same things and let fear keep you in jail and you will stay locked up. I see the keys on the table of my cell. I have to see if one of the fit to unlock the door for me.

Pray with me and for me to allow God to lead my decisons on this process. God has never let me down before.

My first 5k

Yesterday I decided that I wanted to see if I selected the option on my treadmill for 5k if I could do it. I thought a 5k was 3.1 miles but my treadmill started at 5 miles so I don't understand.  I have to do more research. I know I do a 18 to 20 min mile and it took 60 mins and that would be 5 miles. We made a family plan to work on our health this year so I am excited. I want to start working out at least 5 days a week but i have to start working out before work because school is starting on the 12th and I don't know what the homework load will be like this semester. I also need to increase my calories to lose weight. I want to do HCG again but I have to get my finances back on track. My insulin pump is being ordered and that and my dexcom device will also be another change in my life.  It feels good to focus on me and I have to stay on task. All my life I have focus on everyone around me. So I have sacrifice my personal life to do it but it will only make me a better person.

I lost some ppl in my life 2014 that had been friends for a long time but when I ask God to remove ppl from my life I have to accept it when he does and go forward. I wish them well in their lives. I am keeping my inner circle small and stressfree.

I made some great changes in Sniper Squad in 2014. I left DJs United and named a new VP and East Coast Regional Director. I brought my daughter into the company and started my management company back but I have to see what I really want to do with it because it isn't making me money yet.

I applied for graduation on Friday. I have to payoff uop to transfer my last hours other and I have 6 hours left for my Marketing Degree. I make check with UOP for my BS or I may stop after these degrees.

I am starting this year focused on me!

Unexplainable

Sometimes the things on our mind is unexplainable.  We think about alot and we feel alot but if you said what was on your mind many people would not understand
There is a invisible force shield around me and it is hard to describe. I see the people on the other side and i hear them screaming at me. I read their words and for me I just dont want to lead anyone on and make them believe they can have something that is not available. I know what I want and I know where I want to be. I close my eyes and I see my future. One day it will all come true and then I will be able to explain why it was explainable. I trust my heart and it can not be wrong.

Excitement, Stress and New Adventures

There is a lot going on in my life and I would not change it for the world. I am in my last semester of school for my Management Degree. I have a great job at Centurylink in Management, I am back into Artist Management with my own company Sniper Squad Management and I still have Sniper Squad DJs. I have maintain within 5 pounds my weight loss and getting ready to start again. I fired my diabetic doctor because he was not willing to try new technology methods to help me maintain my blood sugars. I am going to Joslin Diabetic Center starting next month. I attempted to go to my son's football game in Missouri and ended up with two busted tires and bent rims in Galesburg, Illinois. God kept me safe and got me home safe. I got to see my oldest brother for the first time in 4 years and it was a lot of fun. The other things in my life are great and I am happy, Everything is just one day at a time and I can deal with that for now. My kids are doing great and I can't wait to see them. Starting next week I start back on my HCG because I had to give my body a break. I won't miss the carbs. I remember being in Houston living with Jamel and he would listen to all the Houston rappers. It is funny to be now because I am working with those Houston Rappers now on a professional level. My artist Rev City has just signed his label to Lil Flip's label so now I am working with Lil Flip. I am trying to learn how to communicate with him so we make this business side flow easy. I have lost a few new friends at work because they moved out of state. I have also made some new friends. Me and Diana talk more now and she is pretty cool. I do miss my girls and try to call them at least once every 2 to 3 weeks. My team at work is awesome and I love them to death. They work hard and I don't have to babysit them or micromanage them. They make my job so much easier. Well I have to go now. Oh! before I leave. I want to give a shoutout to my Phamlife Muzik family! Rev City, Derek Kelley, Charles Hines, KillerKev, EM the producer and EM the Band...Let's make money !!

Just Feeling Bad Ass Today

Always with a Attitude

But always with a smile

Bonita vs Peaches

I was walking last night and listening to Beyonce's album and I starting laughing because I feel all women should have a alter ego. I like Beyonce have a alter ego called Peaches but she only appears for one person. I think women get it confused and bring out the alter ego for every man they meet and that is not wise. Women are taught to be reserved and never talk about sex and the ones that do talk about ,,well just say get look at a different way. I feel professional woman need to understand that at work we are professional and we are suppose to be professional but when we get home it is about the man in our life rather it is a lover, boyfriend or husband. It is called balancing work and home. We spend time being mom, being a employee, being a boss but some women forget how to be a woman. I had to learn to put my cell phone down and give the person in my life my undivided attention. Women all I will tell you is explore life, love and relationships but be safe and only show that alter ego to one person! Enjoy being a woman just like men enjoy being men! It is a physical part of life and God created us to enjoy it. It has many health benefits and you should research it. You shouldn't share with everyone you meet and everyone you meet doesn't deserve to share in that part of your life. But when you find that person that you do allow your alter ego to reveal themselves believe me life will be awesome and you will always have a smile like I do.

P.S.
Everyone does not have to know who it is but believe me they will notice in your walk, talk and smile that someone knows your alter ego!

Emotions all over the place

This was a untitled unpublished post from 5/2014

I have been divorced since 2005 and I had a couple of relationships since then but none of them like my marriage. I was married for 15 years and everyday I was married i know without a doubt my husband loved me even when I filed for a divorce. I knew I came first in his life and everyone that knew him also knew this fact. I have not had this since then and sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I even miss somethings about the relationship I had after marriage. He did a lot of things for me that made me feel special. Since I came into the music industry I have not been able to have a open public relationship and sometimes that is hard. I woke up and realized that I have lived alone since I put my ex-boyfriend out Nov 5th 2005. My life is busy and I don't have alot of free time but to be honest I guess I don't know what I want anymore. I think the hardest part for me now is to know that  I have feelings that never express anymore. One day I will be able to express how I feel and one day I will be able to scream it from the top of the tallest building and post it for the whole world to see.  For now I focus on me and doing the things to make myself a better me!

Love Lessons Learned

I was talking to my best friend and she has come to the conclusion that I have it bad. She has been knowing me since I was 17 and she said she has only seem me this way twice. I have to admit it that for years I have wanted so bad to feel the way I do today. My divorce was final in 2005 and I have tried a couple of relationships since then one of them I taught would end in marriage but I am so glad that  I didnt make that mistake. I did the marriage thing for 15 years before and I ended it because I still was not in love with him the way he loved me and I did not feel myself growing personally. I have always said that I desire to get remarried. I had people to tell me at our age we shouldn't get remarried just have a life companion. It is something about the unity of marriage that I want in my life. I know it is only a piece of paper but to God it is so much more. If you have follow my blogs then you know that I was in love a few years back and it took me a long time to let go and move on with my life. After I let go , I wanted love but was afraid of letting someone new get to know me. I had a list of things I didn't want in a man. I didn't realize that I had been emotionally and mentally attached to someone else for awhile. I didn''t realize that until he gave me the silent treatment and I did not talk to him in over a week. I felt my whole world had been taking away from me. Then I tried to run from it and I have always been good at that one, I run if I think I will get hurt or have problems that I can not deal with. When I try to run now he always plants my feet back on solid ground and I am okay. I have tried to run but he is always in the middle street answering where am i going. I love him and I will admit it. I want to spend the rest of my life with him..

Everything New in Detroit!

Living In Detroit

Moving to Detroit has been quite an experience for me. This is the first time since 1996 that I have ever lived this close to so much family. I lived near family when I lived in Los Angeles and that was cool. I put my trust in God on this move and it has not been easy but he has always brought me through. I have meet some great people since I moved here in the Entertainment Industry. I meet a great business partner Anthony E Thompson II. He came in to help me with Branding my company and we have become great friends as well. He assisted me in creating my management company and I also setup my radio station. Everything that I do does not replace the emptiness of my kids not being with me on the daily basis but I try to stay busy. I love my careers. Yes, I said careers because I have two of them. In the day , I am Bonita the Lan Administrator for a large energy company and by night I am Adorable P, CEO of Sniper Squad DJs, CEO of Sniper Squad Management and Program Director of Sniper Squad Radio. This two careers I do for the love and passion. I can actually say that I love my jobs and the work I do. I love meeting new people and both careers give me that option.

My goals for this year I have reached 96% of them and it is time to set the bar for next year. I now manage Komatoze, Rev City, Frank Fisher, Greg Davis , Tony Frost and DJ Eclipse. I am looking to sign two girl groups, a production team, a female hip hop artist and a producer before the end of the year. I try to make my decisions based on what I can do for them and not what they can do for me.

Well this is "B Serious", Love , Life and Relationships! The love thing for me ...I will discuss later..

I will update you next week on the new developments in my life and business! Have a great day

Many different feelings

I turned 44 last week and it feels good. I like where I am in life but I am looking forward to my life after TJ graduates. Everyday is something new with the boys but it is a challenge for me. I was always told that you appreciate things more when you do it yourself. I guess it is true. I am glad that I am teaching the boys about managing and sacrificing. I have a lot on my shoulders and sometimes I do just cry when I am alone. I don't like to show the kids especially the boys when I am having a bad day. I can get us through this and when it is all over the bond between us will be even stronger. If I give them all of me that will understand how to give all of themselves to a woman in there life when they in a serious relationship. I tried to teach them about the choices they make in life and how to handle unfair situations in their life. Failure is not a option and I only can teach them from my experiences. I am not a man and I can't teach them to be a man but I can teach them the listens my father thought me. I take the good from the men around me and that is what I teach them. The recruiting process is overwhelming but thanks to ppl close to me and the website I paid for I am learning a lot. Education about things you don't know goes a long way.

My personal life is another story. There is someone in my life that I respect and love a lot but I must admit that being in two different states is hard. I get lonely and I want to just be under him but it is not possible right now. I realize how much I miss having a day to day relationship with someone special in my life. I get conversation everyday but I can not wait until I can wake up and cook him breakfast in bed, cuddle all day, hang out and go to events, just enjoy each other all day everyday. It has been a adjustment for me to be back in a relationship but the real adjustment will happen being in the same city. I am good with it now because I am not dealing with any baggage from my past. I have given myself time to heal and it is a good feeling.

A New Direction ! From California to Michigan

                                                       

 Living in Jersey with a Michigan Hoodie!

It has been awhile since I blogged and a lot has happen since my trip to Detroit. I found out some important things on that trip that changed the course of my life. I was with my Aunt and Cousins for the first time without my parents around but every house that I went to had my parents presents. I saw my great uncle and older cousins that were my babysitters when I growing up and all my younger cousins that I use to babysit when they came down south. I realized how much I miss living around my family. I took a lot of pictures, look at a lot of old pictures and just enjoyed my family being around me. The only other time that I have had a lot of my family around was when I lived in LA. Most of my cousins around my age have left LA because of how expensive it is to live there. My plan was to move back to LA in the summer after TJ graduated and just do me and run my company. After my trip to Detroit, I decided on a new destination. I finally got a chance to meet my best friend face to face after five years of daily conversations. He has help me thru a lot in the past 3 1/2 years. I got to go sight seeing and around Detroit but the one place I didn't want to go was to my grandparents old neighborhood. I didn't see Trey this time but with the move I know I will see him a lot. Trey has been around since 2002 and he is not going anywhere.

                                                                         My Baby Boy! T.J

Football season for T.J was exciting this year with him being on varsity. Every week was a roller coaster in my house with the boys. Yes, I said boys. Dontrell is still with me and has really became like part of my family. I think if his mom ever said he had to leave I would be sad. They started off slow with some major losses but ended up going to the playoffs. I found this website that help me get T.J look at by major colleges for a football scholarships. He has been giving a scholarship to go to college in Kansas and he also has a opportunity the Reg open for him in Missouri. I hope to keep him and Dontrell together for school so they will have each other. T.J was nominated for homecoming court and I believe he did win but after a black female won homecoming queen it was no way that the school was going to let it go down in history like that but he was good with it. It was amazing to see how much my son is like me. He is a leader like mom and not a follower. He has my personality and I fun to just sit back and watch him in action. I feel I have done a great job in raising him not because I say so but because that is the feedback I get from everyone that comes in contact with him and they tell me I that I have done a good job. I feel my parents especially my dad had a lot to do with it because he was my role model of what a man is suppose to be like and that is what I thought my son. So right now it is between University of Saint Mary's and Lincoln University in Missouri for school. We still have the second half of his senior year to go but the first half was so exciting for both of us. Albert came back to the states and he was also here to support T.J and Dontrell at the games with me.

                                         Took T.J and Dontrell on a College Visit to Grambling

Now for Sakyi. She had scheduled her wedding for October and I was upset because I always dream that she would have a real wedding. I have realized that it is not the wedding that is in important but the marriage. I am excited that she has found someone that loves her as much as she loves him and they work things out together. They are not married yet but they live life like they are just in two different houses. She found the diet and fell in love with it and lost over 60 pounds. I am excited about that because I was concerned about her weight and her health. She has learned to eat better and workout now so I am so happy about that now to get her back in school.

                                                                    My Baby Girl! At Then

                                                     After losing 62 pounds in 4 months

I celebrated my last pre-thanksgiving with the girls Margo and Tanisha. We had a lot of fun, we laughed until we cried, talked about love and the one's we love, heartache and heartbreak. In the end the three of us are still strong, black women raising our kids alone and surviving in this world. All we really want is that one person to love , honor and cherish us the same way that we love them. It was our waiting to exhale moment. I will miss the holidays with the girls but I can always come back to visit and even send for her to visit me. One of our girls is already in Detroit so that would be fun to bring Margo and Tanisha up to visit.

                                                                    Margo and Tanisha
Well now for a update on me. I was told a earlier this year or last year a something that was really confusing to me. My girl Theresa Booker is like a big sister to me said "Boo you are looking for love but I believe what you are looking for has been in your life the whole time". I started looking at everyone in my life and I was not seeing it. I was still entertaining conversation with my ex but in my heart I knew that was never going to happen again for me. He was safe for me because I knew he was never coming to Houston. He was someone to talk to that I felt love me but the verdict on the whole love thing will remain a hung jury. I look at the man that has been in my life since I was 13 but I knew it wasn't him either because if being with him was right and what I wanted to do I have had 30 years. Well I recently found out who it was and she was right. He had been in my life the whole time and was the last person I expected. It has been scary making the adjustment but I trust and respect him a lot. He is a real stand up kind of guy . It was funny because the one I met on blackpeoplemeet came to visit and he was definitely not the one and when the person in my life reveal himself I had just told him how important chemistry was to me when I meet people and how there was no chemistry with that guy. When he revealed himself to me , that chemistry was there and we could only laugh about my statement. I am happy and everyday is new for me now. I go thru my periods of missing him a lot because he is not here but we will be together soon in the same place. We are learning each other on a different level now which is scary because he knows all my secrets!

Oh! the new team lead turned out to be great and I would do anything to help her succeed. I have started my job hunt for Detroit and I don't feel I will have a problem at all. I think I have also narrow down an apartment also that is not far from my sister and cousins. Being 43 has been a interested year for me with a lot of revelations and surprises, a lot of ups and downs. My business is doing great and still maintaining a great reputation in the music industry. I hope to blog again before my birthday but if not good bye 43 and hello 44!

                                                                    My 43rd Birthday

                                                                      New Year's Eve 2010

                                                                            Jan 2011

                                                                            March 2011

                                                                      May 2011 (foot surgery)

                                                                      June 2011

                                                                  June 23rd started the HCG diet

                                                                          July 2011

                                                                     End of July 2011

                                                                    First of August 2011

                                                                             Middle of August 2011

                                                                     End of August 2011

                                                                          In Detroit End of August 2011

                                                                         Sept 2011

                                                                         October 2011- Lost 35 pounds

                                                                         November 2011

                                               Me and my baby boy! End of November

When do I get Love right?

I have been told that I play the victim and sometimes that makes me wonder; do I? All my life I have tried to figure out this love thing. I have read and research from many sources what love is and how it is suppose to work. I read self-help books, the bible, advice columns and for some reason what I think and what I do never seem to add up. I pray to God daily to show me what love is and how to handle my situation. I asked God to send me my soulmate and take everyone else out my life that is not for me. I keep getting the same answer and everyone else comes and goes and the one I am in love with remains. I have given love to men that don't deserve my love. For a long time I had love and sex confused and for one I did not connect them. I connected sex with hurt and pain and not love. When I finally dealt with being molested and I got counseling for that I started to understand my feelings and thoughts towards sex.

I guess this is where I feel like the victim but I am tired of people coming into my life that claim they love me only to end up hurting me. I remember a play by Deron Cloud called the "Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang" and he talked about the woman like me that has been hurt so many times that by the time "The one" comes she has nothing else to give. Like the coke bottle being shaking up and open and the fizz comes out the top of the bottle. This can only happen so many things before there is not more fizz that will come to the top. I have ran from love for a long time because I am always trying to protect myself from getting hurt. In the process of running and putting up walls and trying to protect myself, I have hurt the one man I really love and everyday I go through trying to figure out how to fix it. I feel if I leave myself open and I am putting myself in the same space I did to get hurt.

I guess my expectations of love is that love conquers all things. I thought if love is the foundation of the relationship that you can get thru all the ups and downs that happen in relationships. I am not perfect and I make mistakes and most of my mistakes are made because of my reactions to situations in my life.
When you make a mistake with God you ask for forgiveness and God forgives you and you have a clear slate. I don't understand why isn't it the same in relationships? I guess my real questions is if you love someone but you break up and you believe that person is not coming back and you try to move on but your choice of people to move on with are bad choices; does this mean you didn't love the person you where with and how can you fix the problem? I am so confused and when I say I am sorry and try to explain my thought process when I did it I only make it worst. God I really need your help and guidance because I don't know how to fix it or which way to go right now. All I know is I love him, I have always loved him, I don't want to live my life without him but how do I ease his pain and his hurt?

This love thing is not easy and I want to learn to fix it and stop running away from it when it gets hard. I understand that love is give and take. I was hurt and I feel I worked thru my hurt and I realized that I loved him enough to let the pain go so we can move forward with our life. I know we would have never made it this far if it wasn't love between the two of us. Maybe only God can help us fix this or maybe we need counseling. I don't know the answer to the how to fix it but I do not the answer to the question am I in love with him? The answer to that is yes. I am very much in love with my baby and I dedicated to making this work this time.

I can openly admit it!

It has taken me a long time to get back to this point in my life and relationship but I can honestly say that I thought I would never get back to this point. Things are not perfect and there is still a lot of things that we have to work thru but me trusting him with my love and heart is a big step for me. I put a wall up and I was determined not to let anyone back over that wall especially him but time does heal and help. I can only take it one day at a time and maybe we will be where we both need to be to make this work the right way this time. My baby is my heart and I do love him so much. I believe that it is a such thing as a soulmate and I believe he is mine. He is my bestfriend,my lover and therapist and more lol.

Doin Me and It feels Good

It's been a minute since I took the time to blog but this morning I woke up with it on my mind. I took some time to do some soul searching and make some decisions about my life. I was listening to everyone's else feelings about my situation and my heart was not agreeing with any of them. I realized that the man that I am in love with does love me just as much as I love him. I enjoy every conversation we have because right now it is not possible for us to be in the same place. I tried many times to walk away and start a life without him but I am sorry it is no life without him. I have learned that real love is different from just saying you love someone. Life has it's ups and downs and people that are in love with you will ride that rollercoaster with you. I know that situations in our life today does not allow us to be a couple but I know this is not forever. I had a friend that ask me why was I looking for something I already have in my life. That was a good question because I was looking for someone to love me but a new person was never going to work because I was not ever going to be able to love them back. I even tried the friends with benefits but that only was for the sexual side of me and that was not enough. I tried a new relationship but that did not last a month.

I can honestly say today I am good. I talk to my baby daily and we go thru life together. I can't fix everything and I am realizing it is not my job to make his life better but just to be there for him while he works on his own life. My heart does not hurt anymore now that I have made the right decision for me. We can be friends because the love is what keeps us together. When the time is right for us to be a couple again it will happen but for now we enjoy what we have 1700 miles apart.

Another Holiday

I have always loved the holidays especially Christmas but the last five have been really hard for me. It is something about being alone for Christmas. I got married on Christmas Eve because it was a time that all my family could be together. Every year from 1991 to 2004, I had someone in my life to wake up with and enjoy Christmas Day. In 2005, right before the Thanksgiving holiday my life fell apart and the holidays have not been the same for me. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the whole package again.

This is the first year that both of my parents will not be with me. I will not see my sisters or brothers. The person that I spent the last two years with is not in my life either this year. The man that has been in my life since 2007 that has not been with me on any X-mas morning will not be with me again this year. I wish that it was really a person that could make all your dreams come true just by asking for a wish. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the man that loves me more than life and his only desire is to make me happy. I want to him to be in the kitchen with me on X-mas eve helping cook X-mas Dinner. I want him to be by my side shopping for a X-mas tree and building a tradition of decorating the tree with me. I want Christmas to be something exciting for me to look forward to and not run away from because of the pain. I don't like the feeling of wanting to skip the holidays and just get to January 2nd. This has been the hardest 5 years of my life on Christmas. When I was married , Nick always made our anniversary and Christmas special for me until our last one together. Our last one together is when I made the decision to leave my marriage.

Dear God, I pray to you because you are the only one that knows everything. I have always been told that I have to ask God for what I want. This year I am asking him to change my holidays for me. I am asking God to bring the man into my life that he as for me. I am asking God for the man who will love,honor and cherish me to death due us part. The man that will put me and my happiness first after God in his life. I am asking God for the man that I can share my life with, my ups and my downs, my good and my bad, my heartache , tears and also my happiness. Someone to share my success and my failures. Someone that will take the time to understand me and love me for me and not who he wants me to be. God please do not let me experience another holiday like this one. I don't like being alone without someone to share my love with another holiday.

I cry when my kids are not around because I don't want them to see me hurting on the inside. I show a smile to world when I really just want to scream to the top of my lungs. When I was in California at least I had the ocean to calm me when I felt like this. I would sit on the beach and I had my close friend to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But here I don't have that and I have to hide what I really feel inside. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My kids are my blessings and I hold on to them very tight because they are all I have and I do whatever I have to do for them but what is going to happen when they are both living there own lives?

The Soft Side of Me

I was on my way home listening to my favorite station Heart & Soul when they begin to play songs that hit me so hard. Each song was a song that made me think about men in my past and I begin to cry. I had flash backs of the good times that I had experience with them and why I had fallen in love with them. I realized that people around me were the cause of me shouting down my memories. I thought about the most important thing they taught me and that was that love was not about material possessions or how much money they made in their careers. After 15 years of marriage to a man that I knew love me but did not know how to reach me for me to be the woman I knew I could be. Don't get me wrong, getting married saved my life and allowed me to raise my kids with a mother and father under one roof something that alot of kids never experience. They never experienced seeing us fight but always believed that we were one big happy family. The problem was that I was losing myself and I was not happy with my relationship. I loved my husband but I was not in love with my husband. The next three men in my life after my marriage actually taught me who I was and allowed me to grow personally,emotionally and mentally. I learned how to open up and allow someone to really get to know me. They took the time to learn me in ways my husband never did in my marriage. They could look at my facial expressions and know what I was thinking. When I didn't want to talk they learn how to make me talk about what I was feeling inside. I learned to love each one of them for them and not for what they could buy me, where they could take me or what they could do for me. All they had was love to give me and I feel I taught each one what real love was all about. I hate the fact that each one had a secret life that killed our relationship and some of the secrets were worst than others. Each relationship hurt a little more than the other when it ended and because of some of the circumstances I had to completely cut one of them out of my life. The other two are still friends of mine because honestly just like the secrets in their lives that came between us they also understand me because of the true things they know and understand about things in my past. I still think about the silly moments, the deep talks, the quiet time, the walks by the ocean, the nights that we cuddled on the couch, the time we spent with the kids, the great sex that we shared. I have learned alot about life but it also hurts that family and friends make it to a point that men in your past have to become unspoken of because they will criticize you and look at you crazy for saying that you miss them or the things you did together. I will admit I cry because I feel I have to hold so many things inside and I can not talk to anyone about them. I hate that I feel I will never love anyone else in my lifetime like I experienced in those three relationships. I learned what real heartbreak was like , when you feel your heart rip into two pieces and all you can do is cry alone and the only person that can help you heal is the person that hurt you. No one will ever understand. I will never be able to open my heart and life to anyone else the way I did with them. I have tried to find someone that was the three of them in one person and I just do not believe that man exist. The sad part to me is that out of the three only one of them my family would accept back into my life with cutting me off. One cross the line of no return and I could never take him back into my life but I can hold on the the memories of the good times. The last one is the one I cry the most over and just try to understand and accept the present life we have today.

Changes in My Life

It's been a minute since I blogged but alot has happened since the last time. I have lost some people I felt were important in my life but I believe the saying that some people come into your life for a reason and some for a season. I have started a healthy beverage company and I am excited about it because I can help other people. I have also started managing my lil cousin with his music career. I have included some people from my past back into my life for different reasons. My boyfriend did come visit me for two weeks and I realize that I was right that it was not something that would work and it was a mistake to try it. A lot of things have happen since he went back home and I am trying to make major decisions in my life. I have always loved my kids but I think I love them more everyday. I am so proud of them and I continue to just try to teach them to be better people. My everyday thought now is "If I change my thoughts I can change my life". My Mom has been gone since 5 months now and everyday something happens that I want to pick up the phone and tell her and I can't. I know that my brothers and sisters not being in my life was not a option so I decided to fix my relationships. I am happy that I have all of them in my life now. I have a full life now with the people in my life. Sometimes I believe things that appear too good to be true sometimes are too good to be true. I have started my relationship articles back in DBICMag.com and I am bringing back B Serious my relationship talkshow. I am also getting more involved with the parents from T.J's school. Failure is not a option for me

Just Fine

Mary J. Blige - New Music - More Music Videos

Everyday is a challenge in my life with my Dj Company and working my corporate 6-3. I love being the decision maker and doing things my way. The only two things that I feel I have in this world is my kids and my company. My daughters have there own life because they are 22 now and my son is becoming a man now. Like my kids told me there is life after Mommy. I hold on really tight to my company because this represents me and what I believe in along with a group of djs that feel the same way I do about music. I go hard everyday for my kids and my company and they do the same for me. I try to balance my job, my kids, my company and my personal life and sometimes I only get work right. I thank God for bringing someone in my life that I can open up to and talk to about things that I have hidden all my life. Take my advice that love and relationships are not easy. In my life work is easy, but personal is always a challenge.