Thursday, July 1, 2010

Being a Diabetic is not fun!


I have been a diabetic now for 10 years. I am a diabetic because I went on a liquid diet to lose weight and lost it too fast. They were doing a ERCP to make sure they could remove my gallbladder because I had gallstones. A gallstone rip thru my pancreas and they had to remove 95% of my pancreas. I have been on insulin every since. The highs and lows are hard but for me the weight gain is my nightmare.
I have taken myself off of insulin to lose weight and decrease the amount of insulin I am suppose to take to avoid weight gain. People do not understand and doctors really do not understand how it feels. Your blood sugar runs high so they increase the insulin you take but when they do that it increases your weight. You gain weight and now you can not fit into your clothes and you have to spend more money on clothes. You become depressed because of the weight gain and this affects you emotionally and mentally, then they want to put you on prozac. When you have battled with your weight your whole life and being big is not something you are comfortable with then all of these things are not easy.
It is even harder when you are single and a consultant that does not get sick days. I have to come to work no matter how high or how low my blood sugar is because the bills still have to be paid. Insurance is another issue because if you ever lose coverage than you have to go without treatment just so that when you can get insurance it will not be look at as a pre-existing condition. If your blood sugar gets too high your can have a stroke and if it gets too low than you can go into a sugar coma. I take 6 shots a day and I have to test my blood sugar about 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to put me on a insulin pump but that is another issue with me. It is a personal reason but maybe after I am married and my husband understands will I go there.
My fear everyday is not being here to see my kids become parents and get married and have careers because of my diabetes. I am putting everything in order financially for my kids so just in case I do not make it they will not struggle. I also fear not finding real love to enjoy the rest of my life. I often think who will cry with me and be there with me in my final days to enjoy the time I have left.
It is a scary thought but it is the reality of a diabetic.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

It's the Sagittarius in Me!

Some people do not believe in Zodiac Signs but when I read my profile, I do believe. I wake up some mornings and I want to look other at someone special and other mornings I don"t want to be bother. I don't want anyone having any input in my life. I don't want anyone having an opinion about anything that I do. I don't want anyone to feel that can tell me where and when I can go anywhere. I don't want to argue or fuss with anyone about anything. I don't want to be stressed over anyone else's financial issues or problems. I like my freedom and I like being me.

This is me! All Day..It is so true.


Generous, clever, sincere and sometimes visionary, Sagittarians make big plans, take risks and travel to foreign places whenever they can.

Gregarious, upbeat and confident, Sagittarians usually have many friends, but their impulsiveness can throw more security-loving types off kilter. Most Sagittarians are brave and generous, and they usually have a desire to help humanity in some way.

Cheerful and Positive

Sagittarians are extroverted, cheerful and optimistic. They believe that things will turn out well, and they trust much to luck. Not much gets them down and they usually rebound quickly from depression, illness or stressful life events. Most enjoy robust health and when they do experience medical problems, it is often the result of over-indulging and risk taking.

Risk Takers

Sagittarians are not prone to anxiety or worry unless the ascendant falls in a more anxiety-prone sign, which makes them natural risk takers. They are inclined to do things that are damaging to their health, or even take physical risks that can endanger their lives. Sagittarians leap before looking and land themselves in various scrapes. However, they have a last-minute luck that often saves them in the end, and they’ll turn around and do it all over again.


Addictive and Sensation Seeking

Sagittarians seek the next challenge and the next big adrenaline rush, and in some cases this sensation seeking can lead to drug abuse. Additionally, although they are energetic, physically strong, muscular and naturally athletic, many become fat or even obese through overeating and drinking. Alcoholism is a common Sagittarian ailment, as they don’t know when to stop and don’t listen to the signals their bodies send them.

Generous and Careless with Money

Sagittarians are altruistic and will sacrifice time, energy and money to help others. They’re generous to a fault and will give their last dollar to someone in need or spend it all on drinks for everyone in the room. Many Sagittarians have big, impractical plans for making money, as well as a penchant for gambling. They win more often than most, but when they lose, they lose big
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Love of Travel

Sagittarians love to travel and often believe that it is a better educator than school. They like to meet people in foreign lands and learn foreign languages. When traveling, they’d rather camp out with the locals than set up in a fancy hotel. Most Sagittarians also like outdoor pursuits such as hiking, camping or kayaking.

Suited to Nontraditional Employment

Sagittarians often have trouble with traditional 9-5 careers. They will not follow the rules if they don’t believe that the rules are right and just. They have the courage to speak up for their convictions and fight for what they believe in, which can lead to clashes with authority. They are also very physical and have trouble with staying put in an office chair for hours on end. Sagittarians have a constant need for movement and novelty, and these requirements should be taken into account when planning a career.

Opinionated and Open-Minded
A Sagittarian quirk is to be open-minded on most subjects but fiercely opinionated on a few pet topics. Some Sagittarians can be tyrannical and bullying, insisting that others conform to their beliefs. This sign is known to have a self-righteous streak. However, most are open-minded and easy going, not worrying much about the things other people say.

Exaggerated Need for Freedom
Sagittarians value freedom far above security. As a result, unless the ascendant falls in the sign of Cancer or one of the fixed signs, many don’t settle down in a relationship too easily. They find the majority of partners too clingy or restrictive, and even those who do settle down will look to the horizon with longing from time to time. This is not a domestic sign. When they do stay put, Sagittarians tend to be messy around the house and most are not particularly good cooks.(Not true for me)

Tactless and Insensitive
Although Sagittarians are good at creating fun times and cheering people up, their bluntness can sometimes have the opposite effect. Sagittarians can be honest to the point of cruelty, and will upset more sensitive individuals with their often accurate but not very diplomatic statements. Most Sagittarians can take the truth about themselves, at least more of the truth than others can, and so they seek to impose truths on others even when sensitivity is called for. This is the source of much strife in Sagittarian relationships. Additionally, some Sagittarians have a tendency to exaggerate and brag, which can put others off.

Friendly and Philosophical
Sagittarians are good judges of character, but they’ll hang around with almost anyone, even someone they think is not a very nice person, if they find that person interesting. Deep, profound and expansive subjects are favoured by Sagittarians. They like philosophizing on important ideas and don’t care for small talk.

Spiritually Minded
Sagittarians usually enhance their minds with a lot of reading. Many feed their mystical sides with books that tackle the big questions in life as they seek their personal connection to a higher power or things beyond human understanding. Once they do settle on a religion or a lifestyle, they can become very preachy, much to the annoyance of those around them.

Extroverted and Transient
Sagittarians are friendly people who need a wide variety of acquaintances to spend time with. They don’t like to sit around the house and usually prefer large, exuberant gatherings to small, cozy nights at home with one other person.

Many Sagittarians move from city to city and job to job, always in search of a new challenge or new social interactions. They have trouble finishing what they start, but they cope well with change, adversity and diversity, and their sunny personalities ensure that they make plenty of friends along the way

Monday, June 28, 2010

When Will I Feel Different?

I wake up every morning with the same person on my mind and I end my day every night with the same person on my mind. I thought by now that I would have moved on with my life and he would be a afterthought for me like the rest of my ex's. I have ask God to give me the strenght to move on and release him from my life if he is not my soulmate. I have ask God to make me lose my desire for him and everyday it is still there. We broke up a year ago and I have not seen him face to face in almost two years. He has been in my life for almost three years now. I have been on dates and the guys were not bad guys. They had good jobs, nice looking and gentlemen but there is something on the inside that is not opening for them and I have not seen any of them anymore. It is funny because I talk to a close friend of mine and he tells me that it does not work because I am looking for my ex in all of them. I don't think I am looking for him in them but I am looking for the feeling I get from him. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see him call and when I hear his voice it sends chills thru my body. When he is near me it is hot and I never want him to leave, and when he is not with me I miss him. He stays on my mind 24/7 and I always want to talk to him. The crazy thing is we have gone thru some serious issues since we met and they are the kind of things that I should not ever want to deal with him again. I can not really talk to anyone close to me because no one wants me to deal with him. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. The preacher was talking last Sunday and he was saying that God was getting me ready for my husband. I believe there could be some truth in that but right now I feel there has been a lock put on my heart and my ex has taken the key with him. I wish someone would break the lock or he would return the key so I can go on with my life. Part of me wishes that we could work it out and he would fix what he broke with us but the other part of me knows that if he remains the same that he is not good for my life and bringing him back in my life could cause me to lose a lot of people I love. It is funny because as I wrote this blog , I got a message from a friend that said " U gotta do what's best for B & hers and 4get about him. U need peace and happiness right now". Believe it or not I want happiness and peace in my life but I don"t know how right now. I am listening to this song by Monica that says you only get one in a lifetime and sometimes I believe he is my soulmate and my one in a lifetime.




Friday, June 25, 2010

Goodbye to my Mom

My Mom passed away on May 24th, 2010. When I left the hospital in March and the doctor gave her two weeks to two months to live, I knew that was the last time I would tell her I loved her or kiss her goodbye. I came home and I did what they tell you to do , get prepared but you can never prepare yourself for your mom dying. My mom like every other person had her faults but she is the woman who gave me life.

There was alot of drama and stress when my mom passed away but in the end it brought her children closer together. Me and my sister Denny have been able to really talk about how we feel. She has realized that she does not have to be superwoman for me and I can actually just be her little sister. Since my mom's death , I have realized that I was not the only one of mom's kids that went thru the verbal and emotional abuse by her.

For the first time since my dad past away I felt a calm safe feeling being in my parents room. I had a chance to confront a lot of things from my past when I went home. My brother Tim after 33 years apolognized for not protecting me when I was molested as a child. My older sister and brother finally found out why I never wanted to deal with my brother Tim growing up. All I have now is my brothers and sister because now Mom and Dad are gone. I never thought that either one of my parents would be alive to see me get remarried and have grandkids. I knew they could not live forever but I did not believe that they would leave me at 42. I remember when I was sick and they told my parents I had 3 weeks to live, Mom pray that God would not take me before he took her life. I lost my grandparents and now both parents. My Dad use to say I hope God takes your mom before me because your mom will leave you guys in a financial mess. Dad was so right but we will work it out. I have learn from my mom's mistakes and I am making sure that my kids will be taking care of when my time comes.

My high school love was with me the weekend before my mom died visiting and when my mom was buried he was by my side. We have remain friends after 27 years and that is something I treasure. I hate that men that I have been in relationships with over the years don"t understand that is one friendship they can never ask me to walk away from ever. He has been apart of every part of my life since I was 14. He has watched me grow up and he has never left my side. I treasure his friendship and he is the one person in the world that I know will never hurt me. I am enjoying his time back in the states before he leaves again to go back overseas.

My kids are okay after losing two grandparents in two days. I was really worried about them because that is hard for an adult to deal with and my baby is only 16. I have them and they have me and I will do everything in my power to be the Mother that when my time comes they will have many good memories and they will want to be with me until the end. Sakyi is grown now and I just want to make sure she has what she needs to start her life and be independent. I want to teach T.J to be the man that God's desires him to be and I feel he is on the right road.

Who says there are no friends in the industry? When my mom passed away I got love from around the world from the industry and that made me feel so good. I have made some solid relationships and friendships in the industry , I thank God for my extended family that he blessed me with in the industry. God also brought my family back into my life and I thank him for that also. It is time for me to continue being the woman that God wants me to be and to work thru my past so I can enjoy my future..

I love you Mom and I will miss you alot, Kiss my dad for me and hug my grandparents.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I thought that I was strong





[Verse One]
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]
Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

[Verse Two]
All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

[Chorus]

It official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My Dream



Last night I had a nightmare not a dream. Most of the people that know me do not know that July,2000 I was given 3 weeks to live. I died twice in 3 months. After I survived my hospital stay of 6 months I decided I wanted to enjoy everything about my life. I wanted to build memories with my kids and I wanted to experience true happiness in my relationship. I wanted to leave something behind for my kids and I wanted to be able to reach out to a lot of people and help them and be there support.

I have accomplished a lot since 2000 towards my goal. I have tried to repair my relationship with my brother and sisters and to be honest I don"t know how I feel about those relationships. I have rebuilt my relationships with my kids. I have Margo in my life and she is the sister that I never had in my life. The one thing that I have not accomplished is that long lasting loving relationship. Before I die I desire to be remarried and have a healthy loving relationship. I feel that I found my soulmate, my bestfriend and the love of my life but things ended with us. Last night I had a dream that I died and the one person that I wanted by my side was not with me and my kids did not call him to tell him. In the dream, I text him a message and I email him to let him know how I felt. I told him what he meant to me and where he still stood in my life. The last thing I told him was that I loved him and I would die loving him and no one could change the way I felt. I never woke up from going to sleep that night.

I woke up determined that I did not want to die that way and I want him in my life everyday. I am a severe diabetic without a pancreas (only 5% and it does not work), my diabetics is out of control. I now have high blood pressure. There is a lot I have not done that I want to do before I die. I want to see my kids be successful in their lives and I want to see all the people that mean alot to me be experience happiness. I feel I am living on borrow time and I know that my condition is causing a lot of problems to my other internal organs. All I know is that I have to make it right and no matter how anyone else feels I want to spent the rest of days I have left with him and him only.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

One Day @ A Time



I am finding out that it does get better everyday. Just like the other times the wound does heal in time. I am focus on my company and the work ahead that is on my plate. I am enjoying being Mom again to my kids. The break I took really help me alot and to close some doors from the past. My kids are my hearts and watching them grow up puts a smile on my face. I really missed the day to day things that happen with them when I moved away. I love to watch them sleep, eat and just enjoy life. At one point I felt my kids did not want to be with me and that hurt alot. Not only do I have my kids, I have Bryan, Jarvis, Lil Jarvis, Swoll, AJ, Kemo and Matt and the others. I have my sister Margo and I am working on my relationships with my birth sisters and brothers. I had to let them know how I feel and my hurt and pain from them. My mom is doing better and I am happy about that to! I am on my 12 step TA program and I am taking it one day at a time!!!!!