HCG Round 5 P2D3

We started HCG again and I am happy about that happening. It is better when he does it with me because that means I am not tempted to eat bad. I started at 214 and today I am 211.7 . 2.3 total weigh lost and 1.7 was fat. That ending I was talking about didnt end up being a ending. I can't let go.

Another Ending

I have experienced many endings in my life and like all endings you try to prepare for them. Yesterday I had another ending after 9 years and it feels like the ending of July 2004. It was not as bad as the ending in 2009 but I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel hurt like that again. In 2015, I finally let someone new into my life and realized the things I was missing in my life. I had learn to put distance between me and the person I was involved with since the bad relationship that ended in 2005. Everything since then has been on my terms. I avoided spending too much time with anyone.

There was one that brought down my walls but he could never make it to the other side of road of being in a publicly commited relationship.We shared many things couple shared and the chemistry between us was amazing but I wanted it all and if he did he could never admit it.

For me to move forward in my life, I have to let go completely.  I learned alot in 2015 about myself and what I want and expect. I have to stop holding on to someone that is not holding on to me. I have to look out for myself and stop holding on to ppl not looking out for me. I don't think I will ever stop loving him but I will just take the memories smile and give the new opportunities a chance. I was always told a man knows what he wants and it doesn't take years for him to know.

2016 is about a mutual loving relationship that ends at the alter. It is time for me to have it all.

Be careful what you ask for!

On Jan 2nd I wrote a blog about wanting it all and Jan. 8th 2016 I have been offered everything I ask for in that blog. Scary isn't it. I guess you should be careful for what you ask God for because he will give it to you.

My bestfriend told me I had three options. She did not like my past, she was a fan of the present but she felt I should try something new.

Two readers gave me a chart that told  me big changes were going to happen to me, they saw marriage in my future, something was going to happen that was going to be emotional. They have been right each time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I was always told it doesnt take a man forever to know that he wants to be with you.

People show themselves everyday and when they tell you who they are then you should believe them. I took a leap of faith 24 years ago and it lasted 15 years. If I do it again maybe this will last until I close my eyes. I have watched Marriage at first sight and I don't want to do that but I did say I wanted to be loved the way my ex-husband loved me. My ex-husband did the same thing because he said he knew the first time he saw me..

I believe in God and the first thing I was told was "I am a God fearing man". I wasn't evenly yoke before and I ask God for a God fearing man. I ask God for someone who would put me first. I ask God for someone who would do anything to make me happy. I ask God for the man that wanted a future with me and not something temporary. I ask God for the person who love family, would travel the world with me, be my friend , my husband and my lover. I ask God for someone I didn't mind looking at you know come on not bad on the eyes.  Someone who shared my love for football, music, cooking, and the things I love to do, someone business-minded like me. Someone not afraid of work like me.

I woke up and look at the calendar and October 1st was the date I look at on the calendar.

A lot on my mind

I have been sitting here watching alot of tv over the Christmas break. Many different story lines and situations. I have major decisions to make in my life. I know what I want but I don't know how to make it happen. I know where I want to be and why I want to be there. My head and my heart are in two different places. Things are changing and I don't know how to fix it. Everyone has thoughts about what they want and me. I am just afraid.

I want it all in 2016!

It is 1/2/2016 and I woke up with the attitude that I want it all this year. Since 2005 , I have made the choice to run, push people away and accept less because I have been afraid to have it all. I have been afraid to give someone my all. I have committed to situations but not relationships. I committed to a relationship but it always had a exit tragedy. I have loved but made sure that I could not get hurt again. I have moved away from my kids in search of love but I want it all. I want my kids, my mate, a good job, a house , and a successful company. I want to give someone my all but they have to be able to give me their all.

I have found the qualities that I desire but I need that person to give my 100% of everything I need. I want to be with my kids more than anything and be able share my love and not have to choose either my mate or my kids. I want my mate to be in my family life . I am tried of making the choice and this year it ends.

I will only accept it all or nothing at all. I can end everything to have everything I want. I want the man that can express his love, show his love and be there for me in the good and bad times. Someone that is willing do whatever it takes to make me happy.

I lost alot in 2015 because I made choices to help other people and these people did not care what I lost because they did not lose anything. I put other people first and for that I took major loses.

I found out some very important things about myself this year and now I can face the future. I am not walking down the isle until I know I can have it all.

Graduation ! Macomb Community College Alumni!!

I finally completed my Management Degree from Macomb Community College. I wanted my son and daughter by my side but my daughter was not able to make it but T.J was here. I wanted the person that push me to be my best to be with me but he could not get off work to come either. I celebrated with my co-workers and friends, Michelle, Ronnie, Scott, Rodney, Diana and Randall. T.J spent the whole weekend with me before he went back to Kansas.

I have two classes left to complete my Marketing Degree but I might have to wait to complete it until I can pay for the two classes and my books . I have learned alot from my instructors at Macomb and I want to continue to share my knowledge with others. This was a hard 2 years. I gave up any free time I had and I had to focus on me.

I know that Management is what I want to do and my next step in my career. I am trying to decide where I go from here for me. Do I stay in Michigan? I love everything but the winter here. I love my job and the guys that work for me. They are a great team.

My Graduation Weekend

Catching up with life!

So much as happened since January. I went thru the process for the Bariatic Surgery but the procedure was denied because of my past surgery history. At first I was angry because I really wanted the surgery, but the surgeon was afraid that I would die on the table. It was hard for me to hear him say that but my life is more important. The doctor started me on a insulin pump, because I wanted the Dexcom to monitor my blood sugar. Because I wanted the Dexcom, I tried it. It didn't work for me. The type of insulin the pump uses was Novolog. It was putting Novolog in my body 24 hours a day. I started gaining weight even eating 500 calories  no carbs. This was very frustrating to me. School was difficult, work was stressful but it was my time to graduate. 

I learn some things about myself this semester thanks to a close friend. Love is a hellified thing and it is scary and uncontrollable. I learned that I keep a wall up around myself to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't let people inside because that is just too painful. I have to keep a safe place for myself. People from the outside look in but they see what they feel isn't right with me life but they don't understand why it has to be this way.

Dealing with me isn't easy. I have to feel I have my freedom but I know they are there when I need them. I am a runner and when I get scare that I am getting too close ,  I pull away. I don't understand but I want to fix me. I read everything in path about relationships and I listen to what everyone has to say but they don't understand that he knows me. He has listened to me for 9 years and he has seen me run and he know why I run. 

We live our lives the way we know works for now. I understand him and his situation. I did the same thing when I was raising my son.