Another Holiday

I have always loved the holidays especially Christmas but the last five have been really hard for me. It is something about being alone for Christmas. I got married on Christmas Eve because it was a time that all my family could be together. Every year from 1991 to 2004, I had someone in my life to wake up with and enjoy Christmas Day. In 2005, right before the Thanksgiving holiday my life fell apart and the holidays have not been the same for me. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the whole package again.

This is the first year that both of my parents will not be with me. I will not see my sisters or brothers. The person that I spent the last two years with is not in my life either this year. The man that has been in my life since 2007 that has not been with me on any X-mas morning will not be with me again this year. I wish that it was really a person that could make all your dreams come true just by asking for a wish. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the man that loves me more than life and his only desire is to make me happy. I want to him to be in the kitchen with me on X-mas eve helping cook X-mas Dinner. I want him to be by my side shopping for a X-mas tree and building a tradition of decorating the tree with me. I want Christmas to be something exciting for me to look forward to and not run away from because of the pain. I don't like the feeling of wanting to skip the holidays and just get to January 2nd. This has been the hardest 5 years of my life on Christmas. When I was married , Nick always made our anniversary and Christmas special for me until our last one together. Our last one together is when I made the decision to leave my marriage.

Dear God, I pray to you because you are the only one that knows everything. I have always been told that I have to ask God for what I want. This year I am asking him to change my holidays for me. I am asking God to bring the man into my life that he as for me. I am asking God for the man who will love,honor and cherish me to death due us part. The man that will put me and my happiness first after God in his life. I am asking God for the man that I can share my life with, my ups and my downs, my good and my bad, my heartache , tears and also my happiness. Someone to share my success and my failures. Someone that will take the time to understand me and love me for me and not who he wants me to be. God please do not let me experience another holiday like this one. I don't like being alone without someone to share my love with another holiday.

I cry when my kids are not around because I don't want them to see me hurting on the inside. I show a smile to world when I really just want to scream to the top of my lungs. When I was in California at least I had the ocean to calm me when I felt like this. I would sit on the beach and I had my close friend to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But here I don't have that and I have to hide what I really feel inside. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My kids are my blessings and I hold on to them very tight because they are all I have and I do whatever I have to do for them but what is going to happen when they are both living there own lives?

The Soft Side of Me

I was on my way home listening to my favorite station Heart & Soul when they begin to play songs that hit me so hard. Each song was a song that made me think about men in my past and I begin to cry. I had flash backs of the good times that I had experience with them and why I had fallen in love with them. I realized that people around me were the cause of me shouting down my memories. I thought about the most important thing they taught me and that was that love was not about material possessions or how much money they made in their careers. After 15 years of marriage to a man that I knew love me but did not know how to reach me for me to be the woman I knew I could be. Don't get me wrong, getting married saved my life and allowed me to raise my kids with a mother and father under one roof something that alot of kids never experience. They never experienced seeing us fight but always believed that we were one big happy family. The problem was that I was losing myself and I was not happy with my relationship. I loved my husband but I was not in love with my husband. The next three men in my life after my marriage actually taught me who I was and allowed me to grow personally,emotionally and mentally. I learned how to open up and allow someone to really get to know me. They took the time to learn me in ways my husband never did in my marriage. They could look at my facial expressions and know what I was thinking. When I didn't want to talk they learn how to make me talk about what I was feeling inside. I learned to love each one of them for them and not for what they could buy me, where they could take me or what they could do for me. All they had was love to give me and I feel I taught each one what real love was all about. I hate the fact that each one had a secret life that killed our relationship and some of the secrets were worst than others. Each relationship hurt a little more than the other when it ended and because of some of the circumstances I had to completely cut one of them out of my life. The other two are still friends of mine because honestly just like the secrets in their lives that came between us they also understand me because of the true things they know and understand about things in my past. I still think about the silly moments, the deep talks, the quiet time, the walks by the ocean, the nights that we cuddled on the couch, the time we spent with the kids, the great sex that we shared. I have learned alot about life but it also hurts that family and friends make it to a point that men in your past have to become unspoken of because they will criticize you and look at you crazy for saying that you miss them or the things you did together. I will admit I cry because I feel I have to hold so many things inside and I can not talk to anyone about them. I hate that I feel I will never love anyone else in my lifetime like I experienced in those three relationships. I learned what real heartbreak was like , when you feel your heart rip into two pieces and all you can do is cry alone and the only person that can help you heal is the person that hurt you. No one will ever understand. I will never be able to open my heart and life to anyone else the way I did with them. I have tried to find someone that was the three of them in one person and I just do not believe that man exist. The sad part to me is that out of the three only one of them my family would accept back into my life with cutting me off. One cross the line of no return and I could never take him back into my life but I can hold on the the memories of the good times. The last one is the one I cry the most over and just try to understand and accept the present life we have today.

Changes in My Life

It's been a minute since I blogged but alot has happened since the last time. I have lost some people I felt were important in my life but I believe the saying that some people come into your life for a reason and some for a season. I have started a healthy beverage company and I am excited about it because I can help other people. I have also started managing my lil cousin with his music career. I have included some people from my past back into my life for different reasons. My boyfriend did come visit me for two weeks and I realize that I was right that it was not something that would work and it was a mistake to try it. A lot of things have happen since he went back home and I am trying to make major decisions in my life. I have always loved my kids but I think I love them more everyday. I am so proud of them and I continue to just try to teach them to be better people. My everyday thought now is "If I change my thoughts I can change my life". My Mom has been gone since 5 months now and everyday something happens that I want to pick up the phone and tell her and I can't. I know that my brothers and sisters not being in my life was not a option so I decided to fix my relationships. I am happy that I have all of them in my life now. I have a full life now with the people in my life. Sometimes I believe things that appear too good to be true sometimes are too good to be true. I have started my relationship articles back in DBICMag.com and I am bringing back B Serious my relationship talkshow. I am also getting more involved with the parents from T.J's school. Failure is not a option for me

The End

Yesterday was officially the end of a long chapter in my life that started October 2007. It was a part of my life that I will never forget. I learned a lot of life lessons, and a lot about myself. He help me thru a lot of major issues in my life. The crazy thing is that he was stronger for me then he was for myself. I don't hate him and I wish him the best in the future. We tried the breaking up and staying friends but that is hard when you don't have a understanding of real friendship.

After a long conversation yesterday with my close friends , I was able to finally let go and walk away forever. Both have been saying the same things to me but one was just harder than the other. The funny thing is we have been here before and there was always this 72 hour thing with us. One of us always gave in and contacted the other within 72 hours. This time I am ready and I feel it within myself. Today I feel like I did the day after I walked out of Nick's apartment after being married after 14 years, November 5th when I ask Jamel to leave after living together for 1 year and a half, this has been two years and nine months of my life. I did not look back on either of the other long term relationships in my life and I will not look back this time. I am not bitter or angry but just relieved. This time it is mutual and no talk of get back or revenge. I can only control my life and that is with the help of God. I believe that God is preparing me for my husband not someone else's husband or boyfriend. God is preparing my husband for me and when it is the right time in my life God will present him to me and he will be everything I need. Me and my ex did create something that means a lot to me , my company. That is our baby and I will treat it just like my other two kids that I birth. I have been here before and each time it took me a little longer to let go but in the end I did. I experience a lot of first with my last ex that I will not forget! lol..I experience things that I never thought I could feel but in a good way. No more tears but if you see me and I have a smile on my face I probably had a flash back that caused it. He is someone I will always love and remember.

Monica Still Standing

Spoken

Mama always told me

Baby you gotta walk by faith

And not by sight

Real talk

You gotta listen

Oh, oh, oh, ohohoh

Ooh, yeah

Verse 1

Oh, listen to me now

I'm gonna say it loud

So you won't be confused

'Bout what we talkin' 'bout

I been through the storm

Had dirt on my name

I'm still holding on

Champion of the game (they said)

Whatever don't kill you make you stronger

Well, I must be the world's strongest woman

See I done done a whole lotta growin'

Everything you say

I'm already knowin'

Cause I...

Chorus

I been up against ropes

Everything you're going through

I been there before

Seen them all come

And I seen them all go

You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor

Never

And I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

Verse 2

I had a lover take his own in front of me

I asked God why is this happening to me

But I didn't fold,

I held my own

And now I'm deep in love with who I belong(This is my life)

They say with age comes wisdom

And the white flag, I can't give 'em

Tryin' to tell you how it's s'posed to be

See, this is more than just a song to me

Cause I...

How Do I Heal?

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. I have some deep conversations with two of my closest friends on a daily basis. It feels good that I can actually talk to them about things going on in my life. I can speak truthfully about how I feel about things in my life now and in my past. It is funny to me when the people in my life that have done things to me that have affected my life in a major way feel that I should not talk about it to other people. They feel their actions should just disappear because it is in the past and they don't want others to know what they did to me. This helps them I guess but it does not help me to heal on the inside. In order for me to heal and move on with my life I have to be able to talk about it and deal with it. I guess they feel I should invest in professional counseling because they have taken a oath not to repeat anything that is said in a session. For people to understand me , they have to understand what I have been thru in my life. My life is far from a fairytale and without God being apart of my life I probably would be died now.

I have to deal with being molested, abused, rape, cheating, betrayal, being used and all by people who were suppose to love me. This is the hardest thing to deal with now. I feel my definition of love and their definition of love most be so different. It is funny one of the people in my life that did alot of damage to my life use to say to me all the time "You could never hurt someone you love". I questioned her love from my birth to her death. When I love someone I give my all to them and I give them all my trust but the people that have told me they love me seem to be able to lie and hurt me without a problem. So why do I have a problem with people that say they love me? It is crazy to me that the people that have damage my life are going on with their lives and what they did to me is not affecting them at all. Sometimes I wonder "Do they even feel bad or have any emotions concerning what they did? I feel they are more concerned about me not telling anyone what they did so people will not have a bad opinion of them. I really do not care what people feel about them and what they did to me. I am more concern with my healing and the people in my life understanding why I do the things I do. Why I make the decisions I make to do the things I do. Why I have a brick wall up and select who I let over my wall. If I never tell anyone about the things that happen to me and they only have what they were told or what they saw then they will not have the true picture of who I am. You have to read my whole book to know me. You can look at the nice cover and skip chapters of my book and read the last chapter and know who I am. Maybe they need to deal with the things they have done in their lives and stop trying to hide it from the ppl in their lives because I am working on me. I know for me to work on me and for me to heal on the inside I have to talk about the things that happen in my past so I can go on with my life and have a healthy future without the pain of my past.

The Fight with Weight Gain

My fight with my weight gain is back on and this time I want to fight back the right way. Normally when the doctors increase my insulin to control my blood sugars and I see myself gaining weight, I decrease my insulin. I don't like when I wake up in the morning and I can not fit the clothes I could wear just last week. I don't like when I take a picture like this and I see the weight gain in my face. I want to find a gym to join so I can start working out again. I find that Houston is not good for me and my weight because I am very inactive here. Everytime I have lived in California I have managed my weight because I stay active because the weather is good and I don't like staying in the house. I was able to do it in New Jersey/New York because I walked everywhere and there was always something to do. The weather in up north was bad in the weather but the spring and summer was nice. In Houston , all you want to do is stay in the air condition somewhere because it is too hot to be outside. I hate the rain and it rains alot here. I have to come to a happy medium since I am here for at least two more years. I will start looking for a gym this weekend. I am looking at 24 hour fitness and LA fitness. I tried Bally's and everytime I have tried to schedule before time they always screw me up. I just to go to the YMCA downtown when I lived here before but I don't work downtown anymore. I want something that I have to pass by everyday going home and that is not too far when I am home and want to go. I want to get back to 140 or 150 because now I feel I am over 200 and I don't like the feeling. I have to break this thing I have of not wanting to do things alone because I have been waiting on other ppl to have free time or want to do things but everyone has there own life. I will pray on this because this is something I have to do for myself.

I talked to my sister the other day but I have not talk to my brother at home. He is never there when I call but my sister said he is doing okay. I need to call my big brother to check on him today. Well it is time for me to get to work and make some money.

Don't like the fat feeling...I have to change this quickly without going against the doctor. I wish I could quality for the lapband procedure. I am going to go to a seminar to see what they can do with my insurance.

Being a Diabetic is not fun!

I have been a diabetic now for 10 years. I am a diabetic because I went on a liquid diet to lose weight and lost it too fast. They were doing a ERCP to make sure they could remove my gallbladder because I had gallstones. A gallstone rip thru my pancreas and they had to remove 95% of my pancreas. I have been on insulin every since. The highs and lows are hard but for me the weight gain is my nightmare.

I have taken myself off of insulin to lose weight and decrease the amount of insulin I am suppose to take to avoid weight gain. People do not understand and doctors really do not understand how it feels. Your blood sugar runs high so they increase the insulin you take but when they do that it increases your weight. You gain weight and now you can not fit into your clothes and you have to spend more money on clothes. You become depressed because of the weight gain and this affects you emotionally and mentally, then they want to put you on prozac. When you have battled with your weight your whole life and being big is not something you are comfortable with then all of these things are not easy.

It is even harder when you are single and a consultant that does not get sick days. I have to come to work no matter how high or how low my blood sugar is because the bills still have to be paid. Insurance is another issue because if you ever lose coverage than you have to go without treatment just so that when you can get insurance it will not be look at as a pre-existing condition. If your blood sugar gets too high your can have a stroke and if it gets too low than you can go into a sugar coma. I take 6 shots a day and I have to test my blood sugar about 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to put me on a insulin pump but that is another issue with me. It is a personal reason but maybe after I am married and my husband understands will I go there.

My fear everyday is not being here to see my kids become parents and get married and have careers because of my diabetes. I am putting everything in order financially for my kids so just in case I do not make it they will not struggle. I also fear not finding real love to enjoy the rest of my life. I often think who will cry with me and be there with me in my final days to enjoy the time I have left.

It is a scary thought but it is the reality of a diabetic.