My first seminar for my weightloss surgery

My emotions are all over the place this morning about going and the surgery. I talk to Stacy, Dimples,Margo and Pat because they have done it before and they have been very supportive. It is the three closest to me and my sisters and brothers that don't  feel I need to do this. I am not doing this to get a man or catch a man or because a man told me I needed to do it. I am doing this because I have been fighting this battle since I was a kid and I finally want a solution that will be permanent. I want a real opportunity to fix this problem. The way I view it is I started with a disadvantage and everytime I try to fix it I run into this thing call setpoint that kicks my butt. Every plan, every diet, every workout gets me to 170 to 178 from my highest 280 to my next highest 220 and then everything stops and no matter what I do I will not start the lost over but i get stuck in the 190's. I am only 5'1. I don't want to be 115 pounds but can i get to a healthy body fat of around 25% . Right now 79 pounds of me is fat. Lets make it 80. I want to lost at least 50 pounds. If i can get to 135 or 140 I feel my blood pressure will be normal, my blood sugar would be under better control and just maybe I won't snore anymore. My clothes might fit better and maybe I will add more years to my life. I understand everyone that is around me fears but they dont wake up tired and they dont deal with my high blood pressure or my diabetes.  All they see is the smile I show the world. My health is my priority this year. I even decided to try the insulin pump. I have fought it for 14 years but i am just trying to finally take the time to take care of myself because my whole life I have been taken care of others.

I wanted someone to go with me today but my sister didnt answer her phone yesterday and he would never go with me so I didnt even ask. So I guess it is me and my God today because he is that kind of friend and he never leaves me alone. 

I have to start somewhere to make a change in my situation.  If you keep doing the same things and let fear keep you in jail and you will stay locked up. I see the keys on the table of my cell. I have to see if one of the fit to unlock the door for me.

Pray with me and for me to allow God to lead my decisons on this process. God has never let me down before.

My first 5k

Yesterday I decided that I wanted to see if I selected the option on my treadmill for 5k if I could do it. I thought a 5k was 3.1 miles but my treadmill started at 5 miles so I don't understand.  I have to do more research. I know I do a 18 to 20 min mile and it took 60 mins and that would be 5 miles. We made a family plan to work on our health this year so I am excited. I want to start working out at least 5 days a week but i have to start working out before work because school is starting on the 12th and I don't know what the homework load will be like this semester. I also need to increase my calories to lose weight. I want to do HCG again but I have to get my finances back on track. My insulin pump is being ordered and that and my dexcom device will also be another change in my life.  It feels good to focus on me and I have to stay on task. All my life I have focus on everyone around me. So I have sacrifice my personal life to do it but it will only make me a better person.

I lost some ppl in my life 2014 that had been friends for a long time but when I ask God to remove ppl from my life I have to accept it when he does and go forward. I wish them well in their lives. I am keeping my inner circle small and stressfree.

I made some great changes in Sniper Squad in 2014. I left DJs United and named a new VP and East Coast Regional Director. I brought my daughter into the company and started my management company back but I have to see what I really want to do with it because it isn't making me money yet.

I applied for graduation on Friday. I have to payoff uop to transfer my last hours other and I have 6 hours left for my Marketing Degree. I make check with UOP for my BS or I may stop after these degrees.

I am starting this year focused on me!

My battle with weight

Since I was 8 or 9 I have been overweight
My mom didnt believe in me going outside to play after we moved to Monroe. So my life became eating unhealthy and no exercise. I was always teased by the kids at school and that was hard. My senior year I decided to go into the Air Force and I had to get down to 135. My brother help me and I did it but my dad talked me out of it. Every since then the lowest i have been able to get down to is 160. I lose and regain ;it is so hard. I just need to finally get to a healthy weight because it will help everything related to my health.

I start the process for my weightloss surgery this week. My insurance will cover everything. I bmi is 36 and i need to be around 24. My first call is on the 19th. I have to meet with the nutritionist once a month and have a psch eval. I decided to have the sleeve procedure done after researching all the procedures.

2015 will be the biggest year of my life. I finish both of my degrees Management and Marketing, my surgery,  my company growth and two family reunions.

There is only two other things that will make my life complete and there is nothing I can do to make either happen on my time.

Unexplainable

Sometimes the things on our mind is unexplainable.  We think about alot and we feel alot but if you said what was on your mind many people would not understand
There is a invisible force shield around me and it is hard to describe. I see the people on the other side and i hear them screaming at me. I read their words and for me I just dont want to lead anyone on and make them believe they can have something that is not available. I know what I want and I know where I want to be. I close my eyes and I see my future. One day it will all come true and then I will be able to explain why it was explainable. I trust my heart and it can not be wrong.

Unspoken Words

There are so many things that I feel in my heart and think in my head but I can not form the words to come out my mouth. If I could only scream to the top of my lungs until I cant scream anymore. Many people just want to cry but I don't. I smile when I think about what makes me happy. I smile all the time because what is in my head is worth smiling about. I went through a time in my life that I cried a lot and I went through a time that I believed there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I stayed in prayer when I wanted to give up and God answered my prayers and told me to be patient. When my friends thought I should walk away and put my back against the wall. I listened to my heart and just learned to let go and Let God. Everything doesnt happen over night and I just have remind myself some words just have to be unspoken. ..#SOOC

Excitement, Stress and New Adventures

There is a lot going on in my life and I would not change it for the world. I am in my last semester of school for my Management Degree. I have a great job at Centurylink in Management, I am back into Artist Management with my own company Sniper Squad Management and I still have Sniper Squad DJs. I have maintain within 5 pounds my weight loss and getting ready to start again. I fired my diabetic doctor because he was not willing to try new technology methods to help me maintain my blood sugars. I am going to Joslin Diabetic Center starting next month. I attempted to go to my son's football game in Missouri and ended up with two busted tires and bent rims in Galesburg, Illinois. God kept me safe and got me home safe. I got to see my oldest brother for the first time in 4 years and it was a lot of fun. The other things in my life are great and I am happy, Everything is just one day at a time and I can deal with that for now. My kids are doing great and I can't wait to see them. Starting next week I start back on my HCG because I had to give my body a break. I won't miss the carbs. I remember being in Houston living with Jamel and he would listen to all the Houston rappers. It is funny to be now because I am working with those Houston Rappers now on a professional level. My artist Rev City has just signed his label to Lil Flip's label so now I am working with Lil Flip. I am trying to learn how to communicate with him so we make this business side flow easy. I have lost a few new friends at work because they moved out of state. I have also made some new friends. Me and Diana talk more now and she is pretty cool. I do miss my girls and try to call them at least once every 2 to 3 weeks. My team at work is awesome and I love them to death. They work hard and I don't have to babysit them or micromanage them. They make my job so much easier. Well I have to go now. Oh! before I leave. I want to give a shoutout to my Phamlife Muzik family! Rev City, Derek Kelley, Charles Hines, KillerKev, EM the producer and EM the Band...Let's make money !!

Just Feeling Bad Ass Today

Always with a Attitude

But always with a smile

Emotional

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I always have a 10 ft wall around me all the time and never like to show the soft side of me. I went to the movies with my cousin Tujuana to see "If I Stay". It brought back memories about me being sick the I had suppress for so long. I could feel what she was feeling and I remembered hearing my family talking to me while I was in a coma. I remembered trying to fight my way back and not knowing how. I remembered not being able to breath on my own. I remembered replaying my life in my head. Thinking about the birth of my kids, my kids starting school and the promise I made to both of them to always be there for them. I heard the nurses talking about my condition  and how no one expected me to live and when they put meds in the wrong tubes and felt it didn't matter. But I had a male nurse name Chris and I remember how he would come in my room at night and he would just talk to me. When I finally open my eyes, I got to see Chris. I still couldn't talk but he understood me and I never wanted him to leave. I had trust in Chris. That time was the hardest time in my life because everything I took for granted was now a challenge for me. Breathing on my own, talking, walking and feeding myself. I am so afraid and I never want to be in that spot again.