The End

Yesterday was officially the end of a long chapter in my life that started October 2007. It was a part of my life that I will never forget. I learned a lot of life lessons, and a lot about myself. He help me thru a lot of major issues in my life. The crazy thing is that he was stronger for me then he was for myself. I don't hate him and I wish him the best in the future. We tried the breaking up and staying friends but that is hard when you don't have a understanding of real friendship.

After a long conversation yesterday with my close friends , I was able to finally let go and walk away forever. Both have been saying the same things to me but one was just harder than the other. The funny thing is we have been here before and there was always this 72 hour thing with us. One of us always gave in and contacted the other within 72 hours. This time I am ready and I feel it within myself. Today I feel like I did the day after I walked out of Nick's apartment after being married after 14 years, November 5th when I ask Jamel to leave after living together for 1 year and a half, this has been two years and nine months of my life. I did not look back on either of the other long term relationships in my life and I will not look back this time. I am not bitter or angry but just relieved. This time it is mutual and no talk of get back or revenge. I can only control my life and that is with the help of God. I believe that God is preparing me for my husband not someone else's husband or boyfriend. God is preparing my husband for me and when it is the right time in my life God will present him to me and he will be everything I need. Me and my ex did create something that means a lot to me , my company. That is our baby and I will treat it just like my other two kids that I birth. I have been here before and each time it took me a little longer to let go but in the end I did. I experience a lot of first with my last ex that I will not forget! lol..I experience things that I never thought I could feel but in a good way. No more tears but if you see me and I have a smile on my face I probably had a flash back that caused it. He is someone I will always love and remember.

Monica Still Standing

Spoken

Mama always told me

Baby you gotta walk by faith

And not by sight

Real talk

You gotta listen

Oh, oh, oh, ohohoh

Ooh, yeah

Verse 1

Oh, listen to me now

I'm gonna say it loud

So you won't be confused

'Bout what we talkin' 'bout

I been through the storm

Had dirt on my name

I'm still holding on

Champion of the game (they said)

Whatever don't kill you make you stronger

Well, I must be the world's strongest woman

See I done done a whole lotta growin'

Everything you say

I'm already knowin'

Cause I...

Chorus

I been up against ropes

Everything you're going through

I been there before

Seen them all come

And I seen them all go

You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor

Never

And I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

I'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

Verse 2

I had a lover take his own in front of me

I asked God why is this happening to me

But I didn't fold,

I held my own

And now I'm deep in love with who I belong(This is my life)

They say with age comes wisdom

And the white flag, I can't give 'em

Tryin' to tell you how it's s'posed to be

See, this is more than just a song to me

Cause I...

How Do I Heal?

I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. I have some deep conversations with two of my closest friends on a daily basis. It feels good that I can actually talk to them about things going on in my life. I can speak truthfully about how I feel about things in my life now and in my past. It is funny to me when the people in my life that have done things to me that have affected my life in a major way feel that I should not talk about it to other people. They feel their actions should just disappear because it is in the past and they don't want others to know what they did to me. This helps them I guess but it does not help me to heal on the inside. In order for me to heal and move on with my life I have to be able to talk about it and deal with it. I guess they feel I should invest in professional counseling because they have taken a oath not to repeat anything that is said in a session. For people to understand me , they have to understand what I have been thru in my life. My life is far from a fairytale and without God being apart of my life I probably would be died now.

I have to deal with being molested, abused, rape, cheating, betrayal, being used and all by people who were suppose to love me. This is the hardest thing to deal with now. I feel my definition of love and their definition of love most be so different. It is funny one of the people in my life that did alot of damage to my life use to say to me all the time "You could never hurt someone you love". I questioned her love from my birth to her death. When I love someone I give my all to them and I give them all my trust but the people that have told me they love me seem to be able to lie and hurt me without a problem. So why do I have a problem with people that say they love me? It is crazy to me that the people that have damage my life are going on with their lives and what they did to me is not affecting them at all. Sometimes I wonder "Do they even feel bad or have any emotions concerning what they did? I feel they are more concerned about me not telling anyone what they did so people will not have a bad opinion of them. I really do not care what people feel about them and what they did to me. I am more concern with my healing and the people in my life understanding why I do the things I do. Why I make the decisions I make to do the things I do. Why I have a brick wall up and select who I let over my wall. If I never tell anyone about the things that happen to me and they only have what they were told or what they saw then they will not have the true picture of who I am. You have to read my whole book to know me. You can look at the nice cover and skip chapters of my book and read the last chapter and know who I am. Maybe they need to deal with the things they have done in their lives and stop trying to hide it from the ppl in their lives because I am working on me. I know for me to work on me and for me to heal on the inside I have to talk about the things that happen in my past so I can go on with my life and have a healthy future without the pain of my past.

The Fight with Weight Gain

My fight with my weight gain is back on and this time I want to fight back the right way. Normally when the doctors increase my insulin to control my blood sugars and I see myself gaining weight, I decrease my insulin. I don't like when I wake up in the morning and I can not fit the clothes I could wear just last week. I don't like when I take a picture like this and I see the weight gain in my face. I want to find a gym to join so I can start working out again. I find that Houston is not good for me and my weight because I am very inactive here. Everytime I have lived in California I have managed my weight because I stay active because the weather is good and I don't like staying in the house. I was able to do it in New Jersey/New York because I walked everywhere and there was always something to do. The weather in up north was bad in the weather but the spring and summer was nice. In Houston , all you want to do is stay in the air condition somewhere because it is too hot to be outside. I hate the rain and it rains alot here. I have to come to a happy medium since I am here for at least two more years. I will start looking for a gym this weekend. I am looking at 24 hour fitness and LA fitness. I tried Bally's and everytime I have tried to schedule before time they always screw me up. I just to go to the YMCA downtown when I lived here before but I don't work downtown anymore. I want something that I have to pass by everyday going home and that is not too far when I am home and want to go. I want to get back to 140 or 150 because now I feel I am over 200 and I don't like the feeling. I have to break this thing I have of not wanting to do things alone because I have been waiting on other ppl to have free time or want to do things but everyone has there own life. I will pray on this because this is something I have to do for myself.

I talked to my sister the other day but I have not talk to my brother at home. He is never there when I call but my sister said he is doing okay. I need to call my big brother to check on him today. Well it is time for me to get to work and make some money.

Don't like the fat feeling...I have to change this quickly without going against the doctor. I wish I could quality for the lapband procedure. I am going to go to a seminar to see what they can do with my insurance.

Being a Diabetic is not fun!

I have been a diabetic now for 10 years. I am a diabetic because I went on a liquid diet to lose weight and lost it too fast. They were doing a ERCP to make sure they could remove my gallbladder because I had gallstones. A gallstone rip thru my pancreas and they had to remove 95% of my pancreas. I have been on insulin every since. The highs and lows are hard but for me the weight gain is my nightmare.

I have taken myself off of insulin to lose weight and decrease the amount of insulin I am suppose to take to avoid weight gain. People do not understand and doctors really do not understand how it feels. Your blood sugar runs high so they increase the insulin you take but when they do that it increases your weight. You gain weight and now you can not fit into your clothes and you have to spend more money on clothes. You become depressed because of the weight gain and this affects you emotionally and mentally, then they want to put you on prozac. When you have battled with your weight your whole life and being big is not something you are comfortable with then all of these things are not easy.

It is even harder when you are single and a consultant that does not get sick days. I have to come to work no matter how high or how low my blood sugar is because the bills still have to be paid. Insurance is another issue because if you ever lose coverage than you have to go without treatment just so that when you can get insurance it will not be look at as a pre-existing condition. If your blood sugar gets too high your can have a stroke and if it gets too low than you can go into a sugar coma. I take 6 shots a day and I have to test my blood sugar about 10 times a day. The doctor wanted to put me on a insulin pump but that is another issue with me. It is a personal reason but maybe after I am married and my husband understands will I go there.

My fear everyday is not being here to see my kids become parents and get married and have careers because of my diabetes. I am putting everything in order financially for my kids so just in case I do not make it they will not struggle. I also fear not finding real love to enjoy the rest of my life. I often think who will cry with me and be there with me in my final days to enjoy the time I have left.

It is a scary thought but it is the reality of a diabetic.

It's the Sagittarius in Me!

Some people do not believe in Zodiac Signs but when I read my profile, I do believe. I wake up some mornings and I want to look other at someone special and other mornings I don"t want to be bother. I don't want anyone having any input in my life. I don't want anyone having an opinion about anything that I do. I don't want anyone to feel that can tell me where and when I can go anywhere. I don't want to argue or fuss with anyone about anything. I don't want to be stressed over anyone else's financial issues or problems. I like my freedom and I like being me.

This is me! All Day..It is so true.


Generous, clever, sincere and sometimes visionary, Sagittarians make big plans, take risks and travel to foreign places whenever they can.

Gregarious, upbeat and confident, Sagittarians usually have many friends, but their impulsiveness can throw more security-loving types off kilter. Most Sagittarians are brave and generous, and they usually have a desire to help humanity in some way.

Cheerful and Positive

Sagittarians are extroverted, cheerful and optimistic. They believe that things will turn out well, and they trust much to luck. Not much gets them down and they usually rebound quickly from depression, illness or stressful life events. Most enjoy robust health and when they do experience medical problems, it is often the result of over-indulging and risk taking.

Risk Takers

Sagittarians are not prone to anxiety or worry unless the ascendant falls in a more anxiety-prone sign, which makes them natural risk takers. They are inclined to do things that are damaging to their health, or even take physical risks that can endanger their lives. Sagittarians leap before looking and land themselves in various scrapes. However, they have a last-minute luck that often saves them in the end, and they’ll turn around and do it all over again.


Addictive and Sensation Seeking

Sagittarians seek the next challenge and the next big adrenaline rush, and in some cases this sensation seeking can lead to drug abuse. Additionally, although they are energetic, physically strong, muscular and naturally athletic, many become fat or even obese through overeating and drinking. Alcoholism is a common Sagittarian ailment, as they don’t know when to stop and don’t listen to the signals their bodies send them.

Generous and Careless with Money

Sagittarians are altruistic and will sacrifice time, energy and money to help others. They’re generous to a fault and will give their last dollar to someone in need or spend it all on drinks for everyone in the room. Many Sagittarians have big, impractical plans for making money, as well as a penchant for gambling. They win more often than most, but when they lose, they lose big
.
Love of Travel

Sagittarians love to travel and often believe that it is a better educator than school. They like to meet people in foreign lands and learn foreign languages. When traveling, they’d rather camp out with the locals than set up in a fancy hotel. Most Sagittarians also like outdoor pursuits such as hiking, camping or kayaking.

Suited to Nontraditional Employment

Sagittarians often have trouble with traditional 9-5 careers. They will not follow the rules if they don’t believe that the rules are right and just. They have the courage to speak up for their convictions and fight for what they believe in, which can lead to clashes with authority. They are also very physical and have trouble with staying put in an office chair for hours on end. Sagittarians have a constant need for movement and novelty, and these requirements should be taken into account when planning a career.

Opinionated and Open-Minded
A Sagittarian quirk is to be open-minded on most subjects but fiercely opinionated on a few pet topics. Some Sagittarians can be tyrannical and bullying, insisting that others conform to their beliefs. This sign is known to have a self-righteous streak. However, most are open-minded and easy going, not worrying much about the things other people say.

Exaggerated Need for Freedom
Sagittarians value freedom far above security. As a result, unless the ascendant falls in the sign of Cancer or one of the fixed signs, many don’t settle down in a relationship too easily. They find the majority of partners too clingy or restrictive, and even those who do settle down will look to the horizon with longing from time to time. This is not a domestic sign. When they do stay put, Sagittarians tend to be messy around the house and most are not particularly good cooks.(Not true for me)

Tactless and Insensitive
Although Sagittarians are good at creating fun times and cheering people up, their bluntness can sometimes have the opposite effect. Sagittarians can be honest to the point of cruelty, and will upset more sensitive individuals with their often accurate but not very diplomatic statements. Most Sagittarians can take the truth about themselves, at least more of the truth than others can, and so they seek to impose truths on others even when sensitivity is called for. This is the source of much strife in Sagittarian relationships. Additionally, some Sagittarians have a tendency to exaggerate and brag, which can put others off.

Friendly and Philosophical
Sagittarians are good judges of character, but they’ll hang around with almost anyone, even someone they think is not a very nice person, if they find that person interesting. Deep, profound and expansive subjects are favoured by Sagittarians. They like philosophizing on important ideas and don’t care for small talk.

Spiritually Minded
Sagittarians usually enhance their minds with a lot of reading. Many feed their mystical sides with books that tackle the big questions in life as they seek their personal connection to a higher power or things beyond human understanding. Once they do settle on a religion or a lifestyle, they can become very preachy, much to the annoyance of those around them.

Extroverted and Transient
Sagittarians are friendly people who need a wide variety of acquaintances to spend time with. They don’t like to sit around the house and usually prefer large, exuberant gatherings to small, cozy nights at home with one other person.

Many Sagittarians move from city to city and job to job, always in search of a new challenge or new social interactions. They have trouble finishing what they start, but they cope well with change, adversity and diversity, and their sunny personalities ensure that they make plenty of friends along the way

When Will I Feel Different?

I wake up every morning with the same person on my mind and I end my day every night with the same person on my mind. I thought by now that I would have moved on with my life and he would be a afterthought for me like the rest of my ex's. I have ask God to give me the strenght to move on and release him from my life if he is not my soulmate. I have ask God to make me lose my desire for him and everyday it is still there. We broke up a year ago and I have not seen him face to face in almost two years. He has been in my life for almost three years now. I have been on dates and the guys were not bad guys. They had good jobs, nice looking and gentlemen but there is something on the inside that is not opening for them and I have not seen any of them anymore. It is funny because I talk to a close friend of mine and he tells me that it does not work because I am looking for my ex in all of them. I don't think I am looking for him in them but I am looking for the feeling I get from him. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see him call and when I hear his voice it sends chills thru my body. When he is near me it is hot and I never want him to leave, and when he is not with me I miss him. He stays on my mind 24/7 and I always want to talk to him. The crazy thing is we have gone thru some serious issues since we met and they are the kind of things that I should not ever want to deal with him again. I can not really talk to anyone close to me because no one wants me to deal with him. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. The preacher was talking last Sunday and he was saying that God was getting me ready for my husband. I believe there could be some truth in that but right now I feel there has been a lock put on my heart and my ex has taken the key with him. I wish someone would break the lock or he would return the key so I can go on with my life. Part of me wishes that we could work it out and he would fix what he broke with us but the other part of me knows that if he remains the same that he is not good for my life and bringing him back in my life could cause me to lose a lot of people I love. It is funny because as I wrote this blog , I got a message from a friend that said " U gotta do what's best for B & hers and 4get about him. U need peace and happiness right now". Believe it or not I want happiness and peace in my life but I don"t know how right now. I am listening to this song by Monica that says you only get one in a lifetime and sometimes I believe he is my soulmate and my one in a lifetime.

Goodbye to my Mom

My Mom passed away on May 24th, 2010. When I left the hospital in March and the doctor gave her two weeks to two months to live, I knew that was the last time I would tell her I loved her or kiss her goodbye. I came home and I did what they tell you to do , get prepared but you can never prepare yourself for your mom dying. My mom like every other person had her faults but she is the woman who gave me life.

There was alot of drama and stress when my mom passed away but in the end it brought her children closer together. Me and my sister Denny have been able to really talk about how we feel. She has realized that she does not have to be superwoman for me and I can actually just be her little sister. Since my mom's death , I have realized that I was not the only one of mom's kids that went thru the verbal and emotional abuse by her.

For the first time since my dad past away I felt a calm safe feeling being in my parents room. I had a chance to confront a lot of things from my past when I went home. My brother Tim after 33 years apolognized for not protecting me when I was molested as a child. My older sister and brother finally found out why I never wanted to deal with my brother Tim growing up. All I have now is my brothers and sister because now Mom and Dad are gone. I never thought that either one of my parents would be alive to see me get remarried and have grandkids. I knew they could not live forever but I did not believe that they would leave me at 42. I remember when I was sick and they told my parents I had 3 weeks to live, Mom pray that God would not take me before he took her life. I lost my grandparents and now both parents. My Dad use to say I hope God takes your mom before me because your mom will leave you guys in a financial mess. Dad was so right but we will work it out. I have learn from my mom's mistakes and I am making sure that my kids will be taking care of when my time comes.

My high school love was with me the weekend before my mom died visiting and when my mom was buried he was by my side. We have remain friends after 27 years and that is something I treasure. I hate that men that I have been in relationships with over the years don"t understand that is one friendship they can never ask me to walk away from ever. He has been apart of every part of my life since I was 14. He has watched me grow up and he has never left my side. I treasure his friendship and he is the one person in the world that I know will never hurt me. I am enjoying his time back in the states before he leaves again to go back overseas.

My kids are okay after losing two grandparents in two days. I was really worried about them because that is hard for an adult to deal with and my baby is only 16. I have them and they have me and I will do everything in my power to be the Mother that when my time comes they will have many good memories and they will want to be with me until the end. Sakyi is grown now and I just want to make sure she has what she needs to start her life and be independent. I want to teach T.J to be the man that God's desires him to be and I feel he is on the right road.

Who says there are no friends in the industry? When my mom passed away I got love from around the world from the industry and that made me feel so good. I have made some solid relationships and friendships in the industry , I thank God for my extended family that he blessed me with in the industry. God also brought my family back into my life and I thank him for that also. It is time for me to continue being the woman that God wants me to be and to work thru my past so I can enjoy my future..

I love you Mom and I will miss you alot, Kiss my dad for me and hug my grandparents.