Who Gets to Decide

I have been doing alot of soul searching lately. It is sad that I had to see myself on the Young and the Restless before I realized that I was the person on TV. The picture to the left is a picture of me the day I admitted I was in love. I was on webcam playing with my boyfriend. That was one of the scariest day of my life because I promise myself that I did not want to go there for a long time because I did not want to get hurt again.

I have a lot of questions like who gets to decide who we love? Why do we hurt ourselves by trying to hide who we love to please other people? Love is not easy and in love there will be ups and downs. Everything will not be a perfect picture. You will cry, you will be hurt, you will disagree and you may even break up. But I have found out that when your foundation is love and it is real that you can work things out. Sometimes we make the mistake of talking to our friends for advice about our relationships but we don't look at there relationships. I have also realized that my friends can not heal my heart. I have to do what is best for me and I have to think myself and what makes me happy. If they are my real friends and they truly love me they will support my decision.

I have cried myself to sleep too many nights. I have picked up the phone too many times just to hang it up . I have tried to replace you with others and it did not work. I have tried to move on with my life without you. The hardest time for me was when we had no contact at all. I have to do what is right for me and I have to follow my heart. It is hard to move on to another relationship when someone else has the key to your heart. I have decided that no matter what I go thru this is my decision and I feel I owe it to myself to find out if this love has what it takes.

Another Holiday

I have always loved the holidays especially Christmas but the last five have been really hard for me. It is something about being alone for Christmas. I got married on Christmas Eve because it was a time that all my family could be together. Every year from 1991 to 2004, I had someone in my life to wake up with and enjoy Christmas Day. In 2005, right before the Thanksgiving holiday my life fell apart and the holidays have not been the same for me. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the whole package again.

This is the first year that both of my parents will not be with me. I will not see my sisters or brothers. The person that I spent the last two years with is not in my life either this year. The man that has been in my life since 2007 that has not been with me on any X-mas morning will not be with me again this year. I wish that it was really a person that could make all your dreams come true just by asking for a wish. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the man that loves me more than life and his only desire is to make me happy. I want to him to be in the kitchen with me on X-mas eve helping cook X-mas Dinner. I want him to be by my side shopping for a X-mas tree and building a tradition of decorating the tree with me. I want Christmas to be something exciting for me to look forward to and not run away from because of the pain. I don't like the feeling of wanting to skip the holidays and just get to January 2nd. This has been the hardest 5 years of my life on Christmas. When I was married , Nick always made our anniversary and Christmas special for me until our last one together. Our last one together is when I made the decision to leave my marriage.

Dear God, I pray to you because you are the only one that knows everything. I have always been told that I have to ask God for what I want. This year I am asking him to change my holidays for me. I am asking God to bring the man into my life that he as for me. I am asking God for the man who will love,honor and cherish me to death due us part. The man that will put me and my happiness first after God in his life. I am asking God for the man that I can share my life with, my ups and my downs, my good and my bad, my heartache , tears and also my happiness. Someone to share my success and my failures. Someone that will take the time to understand me and love me for me and not who he wants me to be. God please do not let me experience another holiday like this one. I don't like being alone without someone to share my love with another holiday.

I cry when my kids are not around because I don't want them to see me hurting on the inside. I show a smile to world when I really just want to scream to the top of my lungs. When I was in California at least I had the ocean to calm me when I felt like this. I would sit on the beach and I had my close friend to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But here I don't have that and I have to hide what I really feel inside. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My kids are my blessings and I hold on to them very tight because they are all I have and I do whatever I have to do for them but what is going to happen when they are both living there own lives?