When do I get Love right?

I have been told that I play the victim and sometimes that makes me wonder; do I? All my life I have tried to figure out this love thing. I have read and research from many sources what love is and how it is suppose to work. I read self-help books, the bible, advice columns and for some reason what I think and what I do never seem to add up. I pray to God daily to show me what love is and how to handle my situation. I asked God to send me my soulmate and take everyone else out my life that is not for me. I keep getting the same answer and everyone else comes and goes and the one I am in love with remains. I have given love to men that don't deserve my love. For a long time I had love and sex confused and for one I did not connect them. I connected sex with hurt and pain and not love. When I finally dealt with being molested and I got counseling for that I started to understand my feelings and thoughts towards sex.

I guess this is where I feel like the victim but I am tired of people coming into my life that claim they love me only to end up hurting me. I remember a play by Deron Cloud called the "Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang" and he talked about the woman like me that has been hurt so many times that by the time "The one" comes she has nothing else to give. Like the coke bottle being shaking up and open and the fizz comes out the top of the bottle. This can only happen so many things before there is not more fizz that will come to the top. I have ran from love for a long time because I am always trying to protect myself from getting hurt. In the process of running and putting up walls and trying to protect myself, I have hurt the one man I really love and everyday I go through trying to figure out how to fix it. I feel if I leave myself open and I am putting myself in the same space I did to get hurt.

I guess my expectations of love is that love conquers all things. I thought if love is the foundation of the relationship that you can get thru all the ups and downs that happen in relationships. I am not perfect and I make mistakes and most of my mistakes are made because of my reactions to situations in my life.
When you make a mistake with God you ask for forgiveness and God forgives you and you have a clear slate. I don't understand why isn't it the same in relationships? I guess my real questions is if you love someone but you break up and you believe that person is not coming back and you try to move on but your choice of people to move on with are bad choices; does this mean you didn't love the person you where with and how can you fix the problem? I am so confused and when I say I am sorry and try to explain my thought process when I did it I only make it worst. God I really need your help and guidance because I don't know how to fix it or which way to go right now. All I know is I love him, I have always loved him, I don't want to live my life without him but how do I ease his pain and his hurt?

This love thing is not easy and I want to learn to fix it and stop running away from it when it gets hard. I understand that love is give and take. I was hurt and I feel I worked thru my hurt and I realized that I loved him enough to let the pain go so we can move forward with our life. I know we would have never made it this far if it wasn't love between the two of us. Maybe only God can help us fix this or maybe we need counseling. I don't know the answer to the how to fix it but I do not the answer to the question am I in love with him? The answer to that is yes. I am very much in love with my baby and I dedicated to making this work this time.

I can openly admit it!

It has taken me a long time to get back to this point in my life and relationship but I can honestly say that I thought I would never get back to this point. Things are not perfect and there is still a lot of things that we have to work thru but me trusting him with my love and heart is a big step for me. I put a wall up and I was determined not to let anyone back over that wall especially him but time does heal and help. I can only take it one day at a time and maybe we will be where we both need to be to make this work the right way this time. My baby is my heart and I do love him so much. I believe that it is a such thing as a soulmate and I believe he is mine. He is my bestfriend,my lover and therapist and more lol.

One Year Yesterday My Mom Passed Away

It has been a long year without my mom. My mom and I did not always see eye to eye on things but she was still Ella Mae. I would call her anyway just to talk to her because she always kept me updated on what was going on in the family and in Monroe. I had so many of her ways that we clashed all the time. It is funny that now I can sit back and remember all the things she taught me about being a woman and life. Our lives were so different because she got married right after high school and my dad went into the Air Force and they were married for 48 years. She was never molested,never a teenage parent, never went to college,never moved away from home alone, never worked in corporate america and was never divorced. It was really hard for her to identify with me and my life. I really fault moving back to Houston in 2008 and I was really angry that my baby trick me into it but in the end it was the best decision for me. I got a chance to send her last Christmas with her and I got to spend time with her before she passed away. It took me a long time after she passed to break the habit of calling home everyday at lunch to talk to her and calling her everytime something happen with the kids or in my life. My older sister is now filling in for my mom and we talk often. My mom died believing that I was not happy because I was not married and she wanted to see me get remarried. I believe that her and my dad look down at me and the kids and just laugh on a daily basis now and that makes me feel good. I miss her alot and her collard greens and cornbread. Fantasia song has me thinking more of my mom collard greens and cornbread then the love of my life she is referring to in the song.

R.I.P

Ella Mae Conley-Tyler