Wednesday, November 15, 2017

"You can't Run From Love"

Since 2008 , I have talk to him almost everyday. When no one else knew where I was and what I was doing , he did. When this friendship started, I use to call him someone that was like a brother to me. We spent all day just talking but it was different.  He was like I am and we are better expressing ourselves writing, so we text more than we talk. We did the text and talk thing for 5 years before we met face to face.

This guy help me through the worst heartbreak I had in my life. If you have read this blog you know the one I am referring to. He picked up the broken me and he put all the pieces back together and help me become whole again. He didn't do it with an agenda to one day be the man in my world.
Being my friend , he had alot of insight into my life, my pain, my past, my baggage. I was truly a Bag lady. But he had baggage too and we both understood that and that made the friendship stronger. He had been hurt and people made him promises and they didn't keep their word to him.
I fell in love with someone that I had never met face to face. I didn't even realize that it had happened until July 2011. I stopped hearing from him for almost a week. I panic and started checking news sites, police reports, and hospitals because there was no sign on him. He wasn't responding to my messages, he wasn't posting on social media, so I started reaching out to people we talked about to see if they had physically saw him or talked to him because he was 1600 miles away from me. He finally contacted me to let me know he was ok. He was just going through something and needed some space to himself.

It was that July 2011, that I realized how I felt about him. I did meet him August 2011. The friendship that I hide behind was in my world. The feelings I never expressed I had show up front and center the first time he hug me. We both realized that we had built more than a friendship.
Because of our past pain and baggage we have spent since 2011, running to and from each other. We can't seem to let go and trust our hearts with each other. We can't seem to commit to a relationship with a title for that is what it is. So we keep running and ending up back in the same place.
I have hurt him but he doesn't understand that he has hurt me also. We have been in this so long that I dont know how to live without him. He pushes me away and I try to go but how can I go when he is inside of me. He is apart of me.

He will tell me to go find someone that can give me everything I am looking for and I am dumb enough to try it. I end up only involving others into our life for them to tell me no one can have a heart that belongs to him. I am physically with them and I can learn to love them but I can't give them all of me. Jasmine Sullivan song "I'm in Love with another man" always appears.
He owns my heart, he is in me, apart of me and I can't run from it. I am 10 hours away and a new place, a new apartment, a new job and new people but I miss him. He is in me and I can't run. When I moved to Detroit in 2012, I met this artist that I was working with that had this song. The lyrics of the song says "You can't run from love". This made me show up on his porch June 2012. It continues to make me show .

It is funny all the test on Facebook keeps telling me I am already with my soulmate. I believe he  is the white suit at the end of my isle.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Full of surprises

Full of Surprises

It has been awhile since I actually blogged. So many things happen since the last time. So I will give a brief catch up. My contract ended with CenturyLink in September 2016. I started working for this company out of India called TCS. In August, I relocated to Raleigh, NC to take on a challenge I was looking for as IT Manager of the Service Desk, Desktop Support, Asset Management, Mobility, Telecom and IT Security. I have put in many 16 hours day but it is getting where I want it to be. Raleigh is not bad but I am 10 hours away from Detroit.

Once again , I put my career first and might have hurt my personal life. I am still trying to figure out what my personal life is now. I can't and won't lie the man I left in Detroit was my life. We have been through alot since we meet. It wan't the Relationship I wanted but he was there in ways no one will ever understand for years before I even moved to Detroit. If it is truly over , I will never be mad or angry towards him. One day at a time to see where my life goes from here. I really don't have a clue.

My son graduated from college and is back in school to get his Master's . Proud Mom moment . It was the first time my original family was in the same place since our divorce and we have a good weekend.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

2017 Is a different type of Year!

This year has been very interesting. I got a new job and the stress of the last job is gone. This job gave the title and money I wanted but they screwed up so many other things in the process. I have a new friend in my job and he is alot like Ronnie. Yes , another Taurus. We work well together and that helps. I found out that I have a fatty liver so I have been having a problem losing weight. I just don't have the energy. Reg and I are in a good space and our friendship is back on track. My bestfriend Ronnie is getting married in 19 days. My son is graduating next month and I start my last two classes on 5/22. I got hit by a 18 wheeler and total my Land Rover and now I have a nice shiny black BMW X5.with a carnote. I will update you more later but for now I have to go do some work!!!

PS. Don't know where I stand on the Love and Relationship thing for now but I guess one day I will know.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Christmas Detroit 2016

The kids came to Detroit and I was so excited. We laughed, played games, watched tv and binge watch tv. This might be our last Christmas Day in Detroit and we did have a white Christmas. We started a family tradition that I love. Christmas breakfast, opening gifts on Christmas Eve at midnight and watching This Christmas. We hungout with the family and it was one of the best Christmas we have had in years.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

HCG Round 5 P2D3

We started HCG again and I am happy about that happening. It is better when he does it with me because that means I am not tempted to eat bad. I started at 214 and today I am 211.7 . 2.3 total weigh lost and 1.7 was fat. That ending I was talking about didnt end up being a ending. I can't let go.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Another Ending

I have experienced many endings in my life and like all endings you try to prepare for them. Yesterday I had another ending after 9 years and it feels like the ending of July 2004. It was not as bad as the ending in 2009 but I promised myself I would never allow myself to feel hurt like that again. In 2015, I finally let someone new into my life and realized the things I was missing in my life. I had learn to put distance between me and the person I was involved with since the bad relationship that ended in 2005. Everything since then has been on my terms. I avoided spending too much time with anyone.

There was one that brought down my walls but he could never make it to the other side of road of being in a publicly commited relationship.We shared many things couple shared and the chemistry between us was amazing but I wanted it all and if he did he could never admit it.

For me to move forward in my life, I have to let go completely.  I learned alot in 2015 about myself and what I want and expect. I have to stop holding on to someone that is not holding on to me. I have to look out for myself and stop holding on to ppl not looking out for me. I don't think I will ever stop loving him but I will just take the memories smile and give the new opportunities a chance. I was always told a man knows what he wants and it doesn't take years for him to know.

2016 is about a mutual loving relationship that ends at the alter. It is time for me to have it all.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Be careful what you ask for!

On Jan 2nd I wrote a blog about wanting it all and Jan. 8th 2016 I have been offered everything I ask for in that blog. Scary isn't it. I guess you should be careful for what you ask God for because he will give it to you.

My bestfriend told me I had three options. She did not like my past, she was a fan of the present but she felt I should try something new.

Two readers gave me a chart that told  me big changes were going to happen to me, they saw marriage in my future, something was going to happen that was going to be emotional. They have been right each time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I was always told it doesnt take a man forever to know that he wants to be with you.

People show themselves everyday and when they tell you who they are then you should believe them. I took a leap of faith 24 years ago and it lasted 15 years. If I do it again maybe this will last until I close my eyes. I have watched Marriage at first sight and I don't want to do that but I did say I wanted to be loved the way my ex-husband loved me. My ex-husband did the same thing because he said he knew the first time he saw me..

I believe in God and the first thing I was told was "I am a God fearing man". I wasn't evenly yoke before and I ask God for a God fearing man. I ask God for someone who would put me first. I ask God for someone who would do anything to make me happy. I ask God for the man that wanted a future with me and not something temporary. I ask God for the person who love family, would travel the world with me, be my friend , my husband and my lover. I ask God for someone I didn't mind looking at you know come on not bad on the eyes.  Someone who shared my love for football, music, cooking, and the things I love to do, someone business-minded like me. Someone not afraid of work like me.

I woke up and look at the calendar and October 1st was the date I look at on the calendar.