So much as happened since January. I went thru the process for the Bariatic Surgery but the procedure was denied because of my past surgery history. At first I was angry because I really wanted the surgery, but the surgeon was afraid that I would die on the table. It was hard for me to hear him say that but my life is more important. The doctor started me on a insulin pump, because I wanted the Dexcom to monitor my blood sugar. Because I wanted the Dexcom, I tried it. It didn't work for me. The type of insulin the pump uses was Novolog. It was putting Novolog in my body 24 hours a day. I started gaining weight even eating 500 calories no carbs. This was very frustrating to me. School was difficult, work was stressful but it was my time to graduate.
I learn some things about myself this semester thanks to a close friend. Love is a hellified thing and it is scary and uncontrollable. I learned that I keep a wall up around myself to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't let people inside because that is just too painful. I have to keep a safe place for myself. People from the outside look in but they see what they feel isn't right with me life but they don't understand why it has to be this way.
Dealing with me isn't easy. I have to feel I have my freedom but I know they are there when I need them. I am a runner and when I get scare that I am getting too close , I pull away. I don't understand but I want to fix me. I read everything in path about relationships and I listen to what everyone has to say but they don't understand that he knows me. He has listened to me for 9 years and he has seen me run and he know why I run.
We live our lives the way we know works for now. I understand him and his situation. I did the same thing when I was raising my son.
