I can openly admit it!

It has taken me a long time to get back to this point in my life and relationship but I can honestly say that I thought I would never get back to this point. Things are not perfect and there is still a lot of things that we have to work thru but me trusting him with my love and heart is a big step for me. I put a wall up and I was determined not to let anyone back over that wall especially him but time does heal and help. I can only take it one day at a time and maybe we will be where we both need to be to make this work the right way this time. My baby is my heart and I do love him so much. I believe that it is a such thing as a soulmate and I believe he is mine. He is my bestfriend,my lover and therapist and more lol.

One Year Yesterday My Mom Passed Away

It has been a long year without my mom. My mom and I did not always see eye to eye on things but she was still Ella Mae. I would call her anyway just to talk to her because she always kept me updated on what was going on in the family and in Monroe. I had so many of her ways that we clashed all the time. It is funny that now I can sit back and remember all the things she taught me about being a woman and life. Our lives were so different because she got married right after high school and my dad went into the Air Force and they were married for 48 years. She was never molested,never a teenage parent, never went to college,never moved away from home alone, never worked in corporate america and was never divorced. It was really hard for her to identify with me and my life. I really fault moving back to Houston in 2008 and I was really angry that my baby trick me into it but in the end it was the best decision for me. I got a chance to send her last Christmas with her and I got to spend time with her before she passed away. It took me a long time after she passed to break the habit of calling home everyday at lunch to talk to her and calling her everytime something happen with the kids or in my life. My older sister is now filling in for my mom and we talk often. My mom died believing that I was not happy because I was not married and she wanted to see me get remarried. I believe that her and my dad look down at me and the kids and just laugh on a daily basis now and that makes me feel good. I miss her alot and her collard greens and cornbread. Fantasia song has me thinking more of my mom collard greens and cornbread then the love of my life she is referring to in the song.

R.I.P

Ella Mae Conley-Tyler

Doin Me and It feels Good

It's been a minute since I took the time to blog but this morning I woke up with it on my mind. I took some time to do some soul searching and make some decisions about my life. I was listening to everyone's else feelings about my situation and my heart was not agreeing with any of them. I realized that the man that I am in love with does love me just as much as I love him. I enjoy every conversation we have because right now it is not possible for us to be in the same place. I tried many times to walk away and start a life without him but I am sorry it is no life without him. I have learned that real love is different from just saying you love someone. Life has it's ups and downs and people that are in love with you will ride that rollercoaster with you. I know that situations in our life today does not allow us to be a couple but I know this is not forever. I had a friend that ask me why was I looking for something I already have in my life. That was a good question because I was looking for someone to love me but a new person was never going to work because I was not ever going to be able to love them back. I even tried the friends with benefits but that only was for the sexual side of me and that was not enough. I tried a new relationship but that did not last a month.

I can honestly say today I am good. I talk to my baby daily and we go thru life together. I can't fix everything and I am realizing it is not my job to make his life better but just to be there for him while he works on his own life. My heart does not hurt anymore now that I have made the right decision for me. We can be friends because the love is what keeps us together. When the time is right for us to be a couple again it will happen but for now we enjoy what we have 1700 miles apart.

Who Gets to Decide

I have been doing alot of soul searching lately. It is sad that I had to see myself on the Young and the Restless before I realized that I was the person on TV. The picture to the left is a picture of me the day I admitted I was in love. I was on webcam playing with my boyfriend. That was one of the scariest day of my life because I promise myself that I did not want to go there for a long time because I did not want to get hurt again.

I have a lot of questions like who gets to decide who we love? Why do we hurt ourselves by trying to hide who we love to please other people? Love is not easy and in love there will be ups and downs. Everything will not be a perfect picture. You will cry, you will be hurt, you will disagree and you may even break up. But I have found out that when your foundation is love and it is real that you can work things out. Sometimes we make the mistake of talking to our friends for advice about our relationships but we don't look at there relationships. I have also realized that my friends can not heal my heart. I have to do what is best for me and I have to think myself and what makes me happy. If they are my real friends and they truly love me they will support my decision.

I have cried myself to sleep too many nights. I have picked up the phone too many times just to hang it up . I have tried to replace you with others and it did not work. I have tried to move on with my life without you. The hardest time for me was when we had no contact at all. I have to do what is right for me and I have to follow my heart. It is hard to move on to another relationship when someone else has the key to your heart. I have decided that no matter what I go thru this is my decision and I feel I owe it to myself to find out if this love has what it takes.

Another Holiday

I have always loved the holidays especially Christmas but the last five have been really hard for me. It is something about being alone for Christmas. I got married on Christmas Eve because it was a time that all my family could be together. Every year from 1991 to 2004, I had someone in my life to wake up with and enjoy Christmas Day. In 2005, right before the Thanksgiving holiday my life fell apart and the holidays have not been the same for me. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the whole package again.

This is the first year that both of my parents will not be with me. I will not see my sisters or brothers. The person that I spent the last two years with is not in my life either this year. The man that has been in my life since 2007 that has not been with me on any X-mas morning will not be with me again this year. I wish that it was really a person that could make all your dreams come true just by asking for a wish. I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the man that loves me more than life and his only desire is to make me happy. I want to him to be in the kitchen with me on X-mas eve helping cook X-mas Dinner. I want him to be by my side shopping for a X-mas tree and building a tradition of decorating the tree with me. I want Christmas to be something exciting for me to look forward to and not run away from because of the pain. I don't like the feeling of wanting to skip the holidays and just get to January 2nd. This has been the hardest 5 years of my life on Christmas. When I was married , Nick always made our anniversary and Christmas special for me until our last one together. Our last one together is when I made the decision to leave my marriage.

Dear God, I pray to you because you are the only one that knows everything. I have always been told that I have to ask God for what I want. This year I am asking him to change my holidays for me. I am asking God to bring the man into my life that he as for me. I am asking God for the man who will love,honor and cherish me to death due us part. The man that will put me and my happiness first after God in his life. I am asking God for the man that I can share my life with, my ups and my downs, my good and my bad, my heartache , tears and also my happiness. Someone to share my success and my failures. Someone that will take the time to understand me and love me for me and not who he wants me to be. God please do not let me experience another holiday like this one. I don't like being alone without someone to share my love with another holiday.

I cry when my kids are not around because I don't want them to see me hurting on the inside. I show a smile to world when I really just want to scream to the top of my lungs. When I was in California at least I had the ocean to calm me when I felt like this. I would sit on the beach and I had my close friend to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But here I don't have that and I have to hide what I really feel inside. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My kids are my blessings and I hold on to them very tight because they are all I have and I do whatever I have to do for them but what is going to happen when they are both living there own lives?

The Soft Side of Me

I was on my way home listening to my favorite station Heart & Soul when they begin to play songs that hit me so hard. Each song was a song that made me think about men in my past and I begin to cry. I had flash backs of the good times that I had experience with them and why I had fallen in love with them. I realized that people around me were the cause of me shouting down my memories. I thought about the most important thing they taught me and that was that love was not about material possessions or how much money they made in their careers. After 15 years of marriage to a man that I knew love me but did not know how to reach me for me to be the woman I knew I could be. Don't get me wrong, getting married saved my life and allowed me to raise my kids with a mother and father under one roof something that alot of kids never experience. They never experienced seeing us fight but always believed that we were one big happy family. The problem was that I was losing myself and I was not happy with my relationship. I loved my husband but I was not in love with my husband. The next three men in my life after my marriage actually taught me who I was and allowed me to grow personally,emotionally and mentally. I learned how to open up and allow someone to really get to know me. They took the time to learn me in ways my husband never did in my marriage. They could look at my facial expressions and know what I was thinking. When I didn't want to talk they learn how to make me talk about what I was feeling inside. I learned to love each one of them for them and not for what they could buy me, where they could take me or what they could do for me. All they had was love to give me and I feel I taught each one what real love was all about. I hate the fact that each one had a secret life that killed our relationship and some of the secrets were worst than others. Each relationship hurt a little more than the other when it ended and because of some of the circumstances I had to completely cut one of them out of my life. The other two are still friends of mine because honestly just like the secrets in their lives that came between us they also understand me because of the true things they know and understand about things in my past. I still think about the silly moments, the deep talks, the quiet time, the walks by the ocean, the nights that we cuddled on the couch, the time we spent with the kids, the great sex that we shared. I have learned alot about life but it also hurts that family and friends make it to a point that men in your past have to become unspoken of because they will criticize you and look at you crazy for saying that you miss them or the things you did together. I will admit I cry because I feel I have to hold so many things inside and I can not talk to anyone about them. I hate that I feel I will never love anyone else in my lifetime like I experienced in those three relationships. I learned what real heartbreak was like , when you feel your heart rip into two pieces and all you can do is cry alone and the only person that can help you heal is the person that hurt you. No one will ever understand. I will never be able to open my heart and life to anyone else the way I did with them. I have tried to find someone that was the three of them in one person and I just do not believe that man exist. The sad part to me is that out of the three only one of them my family would accept back into my life with cutting me off. One cross the line of no return and I could never take him back into my life but I can hold on the the memories of the good times. The last one is the one I cry the most over and just try to understand and accept the present life we have today.

Changes in My Life

It's been a minute since I blogged but alot has happened since the last time. I have lost some people I felt were important in my life but I believe the saying that some people come into your life for a reason and some for a season. I have started a healthy beverage company and I am excited about it because I can help other people. I have also started managing my lil cousin with his music career. I have included some people from my past back into my life for different reasons. My boyfriend did come visit me for two weeks and I realize that I was right that it was not something that would work and it was a mistake to try it. A lot of things have happen since he went back home and I am trying to make major decisions in my life. I have always loved my kids but I think I love them more everyday. I am so proud of them and I continue to just try to teach them to be better people. My everyday thought now is "If I change my thoughts I can change my life". My Mom has been gone since 5 months now and everyday something happens that I want to pick up the phone and tell her and I can't. I know that my brothers and sisters not being in my life was not a option so I decided to fix my relationships. I am happy that I have all of them in my life now. I have a full life now with the people in my life. Sometimes I believe things that appear too good to be true sometimes are too good to be true. I have started my relationship articles back in DBICMag.com and I am bringing back B Serious my relationship talkshow. I am also getting more involved with the parents from T.J's school. Failure is not a option for me