Hate feeling this Way

I don't even know where to start because I really believe it is true that my career is always good but my personal life is always a mess. I look around me and I get angry because I feel for the last 20 years of my life that I have lived in a sink or swim situation. I look around me and I see other women have men in their life that are there for them and will do anything for them. My ex-husband did love me and if I would have not walked out the door we would be celebrating our 18 wedding anniversary next month. I don't regret leaving because I lost myself in that relationship. It became more about staying to prove everyone wrong and to show his family that he could be successful. I became so unhappy that I let myself go and I got up to 280 pounds. I left and I made some bad decisions in my next relationship but he gave me things in that relationship that I wanted in my 15 years of marriage. I ended that relationship also because it was toxic for me also and it took me two years before I was ready to really give my heart whole-heartly to someone else. This time I gave more of myself then ever and I truly believe that love could fix everytime no matter what it was. I know now that it can"t and that hurts more. I am 1700 miles away from someone I love so much but because of his situation in his life love will not fix it. People look at me and don't understand why I can not just go on with life with someone new. I can not be with someone else when I know I am still in love with my ex. I feel that it would not be fair to play the role with someone new. I think about the Jaz Sullivain song and I don't want that to be me. I don't want the situation that my body is here with but my mind is on the other side of town or in my case another state. I am tried of crying, I am tired of being lonely. I just want to be loved by someone that I am in love with and not have someone loving me that I am not in love with again in my life. This is why I push men away that are probably very good for me because I can't give them my all. I just can not give a man my body when my heart is just not in it. I just want to be able to move on in life and be happy.

I have not been homesick in a long time. I actually miss my mom and want to go home to see her. I have not seen her since February. I thought I would be able to go for Thanksgiving but it is not going to happen. I was sitting in Church on Sunday and the organist starting playing and I closed my eyes and I was back at home as a little girl sitting in church listening to Eddie Bilberry and Rev. Billups singing. A few minutes later the choir song the song that I lead many Sunday's in my life. Singing was something that I miss in my life but it is also the reason I do what i do today. I wish I had someone in my life then that I have been able to become to so many now.