I don"t know how many times in my life that I have back to the same place in life. There is a play called "The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Thang by Deron Cloud that explains where I am in life right now. I have falling in love so many times and thought it was real just to realize that it wasn"t real. I have experienced real love and been hurt bad but instead of taking the time to get over the hurt and pain , I did what most women do , get with someone else. I have heard the best way to get over one man is to get under another man but that is not true at all. I hate when the good men come in your life after being hurt because they only fight a losing battle. I can not speak for other women but I know I have lost and hurt some good men that came into my life at the wrong time. I have always ran from love in my life to avoid getting hurt but when I stop running and let down my wall and return the love I am given it seems that everytime I end up getting hurt. I don"t want that pain anymore because it hurts too much. It is harder for me because I feel that I can not show my pain because it will make me appear to be weak. You can not be weak raising a teenage son or daughters going into adulthood. You can not be weak when you run your own company and have people that depend on you to come thru for them. You can not be weak when you don"t have anyone in your life to support you mentally and emotionally. I really want to be able to show someone the real me but I can"t now because I have tried that and I got hurt over and over again. I just want the pain to go away, I don"t want to cry anymore. I wanna love again but I don"t know how anymore. I don"t want just a sexual relationship, I don"t want to be someone"s friend with benefits. I don't want a man in my life that can I have to hide and not discuss and make sure that I don"t post our picture or his picture. I don"t want someone"s husband or boyfriend. I want a man that will not try to change me but just allow me to be me. The person that I can not show at this point that has to hide behind my wall.
I had a conversation today with some men friends in my life today and they make finding someone new a easy task but it isn"t. They make fallin out of love sound like quitting a job you hate but it isn"t. I have had two relationships that I had to end in my life that left me really scar bad and when I started my last relationship I felt if I told him what I had been through that for sure he would avoid taking me down the same road. The truth is that he did avoid all of those roads and created a new road of disappointment and hurt of his own. He got past the wall that I had up and made me trust again and fall hard and reveal the me that I had not shown others just to find out that he used all my insecurities to his advantage. We have been apart since the summer but we talk on a daily basis and after it hurts more that I know that we have what it takes to make it work and last but I believe the damage just might be unrepairable. I was told that my mouth was saying that I was ready to move on but my heart and actions tell another story. I am so afraid that I feel the fear is taking over my life and causing me to close the door on some men that have tried to come into my life that only want the best for me. One of my ex's told me that if I stop running that I will see what has been in my life the whole time that I keep turning my back on over and over again. I am confused, hurt, lonely and just afraid of getting hurt again. Maybe it will take someone strong, persistant, loving and patient to move me from this place in life. But when he comes into my life this is my biggest fear. The Jazmine Sullivan song!
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